The holidays can bring out both the best and worst in us. Calls to psychotherapists' offices typically take a jump in both November and December. People inherently know that they must prepare for whatever is coming, be that anticipation positive or negative in nature. Today, I would like to talk about the motivation behind our ability to behave both "naughty" and "nice". Why do we behave as we do in any given moment? Why is it that one minute we can benevolently give to someone else without any expectations attached...but then scream at our teenager the next minute for not loading the dishwasher last night? Perhaps if we can better understand why we say and do the things we do, we will be motivated to practice what is best for best's sake...and not merely our own.
First, let's take a look at why we are "good" when we choose to behave this way. Does behaving as a "good" person make you feel good about yourself? If you agree, you are not alone. Many people choose to be good because of how it makes them feel. Which is fine. No law against that.
Next, there are those of us who are "good" because we expect something back for all that goodness we put out there. Does this sound strange? It shouldn't. Don't you remember my past posts about codependent giving and what all that entailed? When we give give and give some more to others, what we want in return is their (1) acceptance, (2) approval, and (3) like/love. When we don't get what we are expecting, there can be h-e-double hockey sticks to pay. To complicate matters further, we may give to one person in our life without truly expecting anything back (like a sister who has MS, or a father with dementia)...but then double down on our expectations of someone else in our life (like our spouse, like our kid(s), like our best friend). All this good deeds stuff ultimately leaves us feeling hurt, angry, lonely, guilty, and ashamed. Why? Because we feel like we are martyring ourselves and nobody is even noticing. Welcome to the codependent givers club just sayin'...
Third, there is a market of humanity who are "good" because we are rule followers and like to live by whatever rules our fellow human beings have established for the larger community we are part of. Being "good" serves to maintain order, keep the peace, and basically promotes everyone living life to its fullest...while staying in their own lane. Sounds good in theory for sure, but in practice---not so much. As soon as we are on the receiving end of someone else's "But it felt good to me!", we realize that not too many are very good about staying in their own lane!
For those who ascribe to a spiritual world view that offers a faith-based approach towards life and relationships, being "good" represents a way to serve God, in accordance with His will for us. The world is loud; we seek to hear His voice and direction in spite of the cacophony around us. We do good because we feel led to...and without strings attached to our giving. We do good because we want to...and without strings attached to our giving. And we do good because we have to....because we love the God and seek to obey His commandments.
Being naughty....or being nice....no matter "why" we behave as we do, we will still feel the pinch of disappointment, the slap of anger, and of course the punches of resentment and bitterness. And in spite of all, we will still need to move forward in the way that's best....for best's sake. To be good is to be authentic, to be honest, and to be forgiving too. Nobody exists on this earth merely to serve us and our own needs...nor do we exist merely to serve the needs of one or more others. It is okay to practice saying "No, sorry I can't do that for you now.." or "Maybe later if I have the time..." or "I'll have to get back with you on that.." AS we also learn to accept hearing these same responses when we have asked for something from someone else.
Why indeed. Because we are human, that's why.
Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!