There are many of us in this life who have gotten used to receiving the short end of most sticks. That is to say we are not well understood enough, not respected enough, and not assertive enough to ensure that our own needs are being satisfied to a reasonable extent. Put another way, we put up with all sorts of crap because we are afraid of being dumped or estranged from (insert name of person who matters more than we do here)...
Today's blog post is about turning this trend around in our own lives, which begins by recognizing when we are, in fact, taking hold of the short end of any stick.
Let's take a look at "Susan" (not her real name) and "Jeff" (ditto!). They have been boyfriend and girlfriend for over 30 years. Both were previously married, both divorced. Jeff has grown children; Susan has none. For Susan, meeting Jeff back in the day was magical because he personified all that she hoped for in a partner. He was ruggedly handsome, had a Harley and liked to ride, and didn't put up with anybody else's garbage. Susan was of course shocked that Jeff even looked twice in her direction when they first met; she had been through a string of broken relationships with men who cheated on her. To have someone as "hot" as Jeff showing an interest made Susan feel like she was ten feet tall. So they began dating...and dating some more...and before six months were up, Jeff moved into Susan's apartment.
As you read this brief introductory synopsis into Susan and Jeff's initial meeting and relationship...are there any red flags that pop up for you? There should be. Jeff, for one thing, has been perceived as a "prize" in Susan's mind. Susan, for another thing, doesn't think much of herself as a prize of any sort. Susan has a history with men who cheated. Susan feels real good about herself by having Jeff around. Susan takes Jeff into her home within six months' time. And 30 years later...there they still are.
Susan always wanted to be married and have a family. She talked about having children of her own ever since she was 18 years old. "I wanted ten kids back then...kind of funny to realize now how idealistic I was about children." Yet---when Susan was 30 years old and met Jeff, she neglected to tell him about her dream of one day having children of her own. "Well, he already had three kids and would talk about them and his ex wife like they were always squeezing him for more of everything." Another red flag. Susan never mentioned her desire for children because Jeff's narrative already included them and he didn't seem too happy about it.
Over time, Susan learned to bend herself more to Jeff's will than her own. "Jeff is a great guy, don't get me wrong...but he has no problem saying "NO!" to anything he isn't interested in." What about Susan? Is she equally assertive about what she does or doesn't want? "Well, I just figured that Jeff being so larger than life as he is...there wasn't really room for a woman to be butting heads with him. Actually, that's what caused him to divorce his first wife anyway. She was a horrible nag." Red flag! Red flag! Red flag! Yet, did Susan see these flags? Of course not. In spite of 30 years living under Susan's roof, in spite of their lives being an homage to all that Jeff was about and interested in, and in spite of Susan's own string of ongoing disappointments about what she hoped for, wanted, and needed---but rarely received, Susan was still "in it to win it" with Jeff.
The term doormat comes to mind, as does codependent giver/martyr, as does woman without a clue. BUT...it's Susan's life right? If she wants to be consistently receiving the short end of any stick, so she shall for as long as it's there for her to grab onto.
What about you? Are you someone who has put up with everything and anything...while standing for nothing, least of all yourself? Why is that? Do you want help for this issue in your life? If so, that's what I and others like me are here for: to provide assistance in getting you from where you are now---to that better place and space inside yourself. You matter. You have always mattered. Perhaps it's time to get the right kind of help so you can learn to take the best care of YOU without first accepting that short end...
Until next time.