A friend of mine was explaining dating to me from her perspective. As a single woman who never married, she said one of the most frustrating aspects of the whole dating scene was meeting "The Representative". The Representative is that person who shows up in our lives and who, over time, is nothing at all like what he (or she!) claimed to be---or be about. And, I should add, to be or be about NOT in a good way! (LOL!) No surprise there right? We have all done our fair share of mis-representing ourselves to others since the dawn of mankind! Today's blog post is focused on what keeps us locked into the pattern of believing the "best" about the Mis-Representatives we have involved ourselves with in life...instead of cutting our losses and letting go before we get or got in too deep!
"Shay" (not her real name) was 22 when she met "Chuck". Chuck was 15 years older, had just gotten out of a several years' long relationship, and wasn't really looking for new love. They met at a mutual friend's party...and the rest was history. From the moment they locked eyeballs, that was it, according to Chuck. "She was everything I considered perfect in a woman", he claimed. After several weeks, Chuck and Shay were not only a couple, but got married. Their daughter was born within the first year of their meeting. Then, as fate would have it, the sh** started hitting the proverbial fan...
To any outsider, it is clear that Shay and Chuck barely knew each other by the time they were married and started their family. On the other hand, they also appeared to be on the same page about everything when in the presence of their respective family members and friends. "They were so caring and loving to each other; there's no way any of us thought it'd blow up", states Shay's older sister. "He was such a good husband to her", claims Shay's best friend. Well....regardless of who said what, the fact was that both Shay and Chuck were mis-representing themselves to one another from jump. Chuck's cocaine problem never appeared to be as "big" a deal to Shay until he got down to 160 lbs. on his 6'3" frame. Shay's spending habit never appeared to be as "big" a deal to Chuck until her credit card statement was seen on the kitchen table and to the tune of $9,000 for the month of February. There were of course other issues contributing to the demise of Shay and Chuck's marriage....but these were not uncovered until the claws came out and both were looking to demonize the other publicly. Such a sad and cautionary tale of why misrepresenting oneself is never a good idea. Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just be association. Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just by pretending their own unresolved issues and problems are "no big deal". Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just because time passes by. Shay and Chuck went through a hellacious divorce and sadly, the biggest casualty in that hot mess of misrepresenting and dysfunction was and remains their beautiful baby daughter...
What happened to Shay and to Chuck is not unusual. Both were raised in families where the public persona was one kind of way---and the private realities were very different. Shay and Chuck didn't stand a chance given all the misrepresenting they were each exposed to from the time of their own births! How could they be rigorously honest with each other, when honesty was not an important core value in either of their family systems to begin with? Even if they had each chosen to face their own demons in this regard, facing them was no guarantee of resolving those demons. As I have said many times before, "What we face doesn't necessarily change, but what we change has ALWAYS been faced!" There are two parts to any healing work we do: we must face what we'd rather not face, but we must also DO OUR OWN WORK to change (for the better!) what we have faced.
Chuck did ultimately get into NA (Narcotics Anonymous) as one of his first steps towards personal healing and growth. Which is a good thing. How long he will last and remain connected to that healing community is not known. Shay went on to marry another man; her new husband is a professional athlete. At least she won't have to worry about someone judging her credit card statements ever again...
Misrepresenting ourselves to others is a far worse fate over time than cleaning up our own acts. It just is. My hope for Shay and for Chuck is that their precious daughter will not repeat any similar dysfunctional legacy that came before her in her own adult life.
As is so true, it is only the truth that has any real power to set us free...
Until next post!
"Shay" (not her real name) was 22 when she met "Chuck". Chuck was 15 years older, had just gotten out of a several years' long relationship, and wasn't really looking for new love. They met at a mutual friend's party...and the rest was history. From the moment they locked eyeballs, that was it, according to Chuck. "She was everything I considered perfect in a woman", he claimed. After several weeks, Chuck and Shay were not only a couple, but got married. Their daughter was born within the first year of their meeting. Then, as fate would have it, the sh** started hitting the proverbial fan...
To any outsider, it is clear that Shay and Chuck barely knew each other by the time they were married and started their family. On the other hand, they also appeared to be on the same page about everything when in the presence of their respective family members and friends. "They were so caring and loving to each other; there's no way any of us thought it'd blow up", states Shay's older sister. "He was such a good husband to her", claims Shay's best friend. Well....regardless of who said what, the fact was that both Shay and Chuck were mis-representing themselves to one another from jump. Chuck's cocaine problem never appeared to be as "big" a deal to Shay until he got down to 160 lbs. on his 6'3" frame. Shay's spending habit never appeared to be as "big" a deal to Chuck until her credit card statement was seen on the kitchen table and to the tune of $9,000 for the month of February. There were of course other issues contributing to the demise of Shay and Chuck's marriage....but these were not uncovered until the claws came out and both were looking to demonize the other publicly. Such a sad and cautionary tale of why misrepresenting oneself is never a good idea. Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just be association. Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just by pretending their own unresolved issues and problems are "no big deal". Nobody gets or is "better" as a person just because time passes by. Shay and Chuck went through a hellacious divorce and sadly, the biggest casualty in that hot mess of misrepresenting and dysfunction was and remains their beautiful baby daughter...
What happened to Shay and to Chuck is not unusual. Both were raised in families where the public persona was one kind of way---and the private realities were very different. Shay and Chuck didn't stand a chance given all the misrepresenting they were each exposed to from the time of their own births! How could they be rigorously honest with each other, when honesty was not an important core value in either of their family systems to begin with? Even if they had each chosen to face their own demons in this regard, facing them was no guarantee of resolving those demons. As I have said many times before, "What we face doesn't necessarily change, but what we change has ALWAYS been faced!" There are two parts to any healing work we do: we must face what we'd rather not face, but we must also DO OUR OWN WORK to change (for the better!) what we have faced.
Chuck did ultimately get into NA (Narcotics Anonymous) as one of his first steps towards personal healing and growth. Which is a good thing. How long he will last and remain connected to that healing community is not known. Shay went on to marry another man; her new husband is a professional athlete. At least she won't have to worry about someone judging her credit card statements ever again...
Misrepresenting ourselves to others is a far worse fate over time than cleaning up our own acts. It just is. My hope for Shay and for Chuck is that their precious daughter will not repeat any similar dysfunctional legacy that came before her in her own adult life.
As is so true, it is only the truth that has any real power to set us free...
Until next post!