Pointing to the characters from the iconic television series "Friends", Gladwell mentions how the actors did a tremendous job presenting authentic emotions through non-verbal communication...while at the same time verbalizing polar opposite messages. Emotions such as confusion, self-doubt, anger, fear, loneliness, shame, guilt, and hurt: all of these less-than-desirable emotions were presented skillfully (and non-verbally!) by the cast of Friends in most every episode. Yet what was said to accompany these unspoken expressions of emotion were most often the polar opposite. If there ever was a way to teach "passive aggressive" behavior (and the confusion it causes!) to humanity via television, "Friends" would win that award hands down!
Truth default is much easier to pursue than practicing genuine discernment in the context of potentially challenging social interactions. Gladwell, whose most recent book is entitled "Talking to Strangers", references the case of Sandra Bland. (Look her up on google for the details...) It is so very true that when we don't stick with the facts of ANY interaction we have with any body in real time, we can get into serious trouble, as Bland's case exemplifies. Whether our benevolence-based-truth-as-motive is our default go-to strategy, how does that work when nothing we are experiencing in the present moment is making sense and seriously messes with our sense of personal safety. Think of it this way: what would you do if there was a knock on your door...and suddenly five uniformed strangers busted through it with guns drawn screaming at you "GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR NOW!"? Unless you or someone in your immediate family is a drug king or queen pin; sorry WRONG *$)#_@ HOUSE dudes! But tell those five strangers that when their own adrenaline is pumping like a gushing oil well. This is one of those moments when truth default theory definitely goes sideways, upside down, and out all windows!
I am reminded of the woman with three minor children who still claims "my ex is a decent man...he wouldn't harm our children.." as this man hasn't seen ANY of his children in months and keeps stalling on wrapping up the details of a trust established for one of them (with special needs). How much more evidence does this woman need to turn her own truth default switch off for once in her life? Well, as she herself indicated, "It's easier to think of him as a better man than to face what a mistake I made by marrying him.." Yep. That sounds about right. Our pride can surely prevent us from seeing the ugly truth of having made a poor choice in a life partner---and the unfortunate consequences associated with such an ill-fated union.
Speaking of which, how about Bernie Madoff (mentioned during the Oprah interview with Gladwell) who is an excellent example of how to have wasted truth defaulting in practice while ruining one's own life by believing this guy---about anything! Madoff, as we all now know, was a pure sociopath who presented like Yoda to his friends and family choosing to "invest" with him. Now that he's dead, everyone has come out of the woodwork to talk about how he was so "monstrous" and so "evil" to perpetrate such a massive fraud on so many who otherwise trusted him completely with their life's savings. I say Bernie was no dummy. He knew that his schtick would definitely appeal to certain pidgeons in certain of his close intimate relationships. He (or she!) who wanted to make really big money with a not so equally big effort on their own part attached (aka "research"!) represented Bernie Madoff's best patsy. And so would their family members and their friends, etc. etc. etc. Madoff was selling magic...and his clients bought into that magic hook, line, and sinker. He knew. And they knew too, while their own truth default switches stayed stuck in place when it came to "Bernie!". They just couldn't believe "he" himself was the one who would shank them from top to bottom in the end. His one son committed suicide, the other died of cancer at an early age post scandal, his wife disappeared into oblivion where she still remains...and that's just for starters. Bernie Madoff's legacy taught all of us that the truth doesn't matter when money is to be made and had by one man at the expense of all others...
When we stick to the facts and evidences of what we have experienced with the people around us, in real time, we will be more free to discern "who" we and they actually are under the actual circumstances we share. No one is perfect, yet many are perfectly imperfect in the way they treat others on a regular basis. When we don't see these perfectly imperfect people for who they genuinely are as we come across them, that's when our truth default meter will take us into some very dark places.
Until next post....