How difficult is it for you to stay connected to your own real life reality on any given day? I don't mean the reality that's up in your head as you drift back and forth from thinking about the past....to thinking about the future. No, that's not the reality I am talking about here. As easy as it may be for us to drift mentally from where we are "right now" to where we would rather be (or not be in some cases!) ...our own drifting mind habit can literally take us further and further away from real life and right now reality than we could ever imagine possible---or clearly understand.
When we make a habit out of drifting mentally from what's going on right now in the present...to somewhere else from our real or imagined past and/or the future...we are engaging in what I refer to as "on demand dissocation". Have you ever heard of this term before: "dissociation"? Well, it's a legit human coping mechanism/behavior...and it is also a legit psychiatric diagnosis that may be present as part of another co-occurring mental health diagnosis---or not.
On it's own and in its most extreme form, dissociation is referred to as "Dissociative Identity Disorder", formerly referred to as "Multiple Personality Disorder". If you ever read the book or watched the movie "Sybil" featuring Sally Field, this was all about one woman's experiences with MPD at that time. "The Three Faces of Eve" (another movie from the old days!) featuring Joanne Woodward (Paul Newman's wife) is another MPD-focused feature film. There have been others; the most recent I have seen is "Jane" which is a cable series documenting the experiences of a woman who has been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. People who are diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder are, in truth, brilliant people. They figured out a way to "cope" with otherwise horrendous and personal traumatic experiences without killing themselves---or others---as a result. In my book, the DID-ers among us are the true heroes of surviving survival when no one else could have.
Given that we have all "dissociated" at some time or another in our lives (3rd grade...staring out the window...thinking about what's for dinner tonight and what you will play when you get home...until you hear "BENJAMIN! BENJAMIN JOHNSON! COME BACK AND JOIN US WILL YOU!?")---we generally do not acknowledge how our own drifting mind "habit" and dissociation can work together so well in taking us away from all sorts of unwanted and/or uncomfortable realities in our own lives. More importantly, if we find that we can't remember more often than what would be considered reasonable to forget about...our "forgetting" problem may be tied in large part to our own habit mental drifting and dissociating. Imagine the ability to quickly change channels in your own mind from "Present" to "Past" and to "Future" and back again. When you can do this pretty seamlessly and without anyone else noticing...you may have a closer personal relationship with the practice of mental drifting and dissociation than you consciously realize.
What does dissociation look like in the context of my private practice with clients? A client who struggles with their own drifting mind and dissociation will look you right in the eye---but they are looking through and past you. They are "there" physically, but they are definitely checked out mentally. I call my clients on it as soon as I see it happening...and it's like watching a pin ball machine re-calibrate itself after the "Tilt!" happens. It may just involve a quick eyeblink or two...and that may be as subtle as it gets when someone goes from where they were mentally to returning back to the present. When the drifting mind/dissociation habit is more entrenched, it can take a while for the "drifter" to come back to the here and now. I have found myself asking, "Susan...where are you right now? What's going on? What are you thinking about instead of being here with me?" If it takes several seconds or even a minute for "Susan" to come back...that's how it can go too.
If the individual with this drifting mind/dissociation habit also drinks alcohol or does drugs recreationally or to otherwise "cope"....especially those classified as "central nervous system depressants"....they will be more apt to dissociate when triggered and stay "there" (wherever "there" is in the past or future) longer. Believe me, there isn't a drug house on planet earth where everyone there is stoned and debating the pros and cons of QAnon or having a dance party! When we have made a habit out of dissociation, alcohol and drug use will exacerbate it more than anything else could or would!
Also, if you ever wondered why someone talked "at"you as if you were continuing a conversation with each other from somewhere in the past----chances are great they are dissociating "at" you also in that present moment!
I have had that happen to me so much in my life in a social context, it remains a mystery as to what it is about "me" that makes others so comfortable with dissociating "at" me. "Hi Mary! ...so Sherri told me that she was going to..." (Who is Sherri?!? Why do you think I know Sherri? When have you ever talked to me about a Sherri when I am just seeing you now for the first time in five years?!")
Once, many years ago, my bff from high school told me she was working at her job---and someone I grew up with approached her and said, "Hey! How are you Marianne? Boy, you, I, and Mary sure had some great times in high school didn't we? I loved hanging out with you two!" HUH!? She called me to ask if we hung out with this person in high school....and my response was "I haven't seen this person since junior high school! So the answer is No!" Yep, dissociation can be like that too! People imagining real life scenarios from their own past or future often enough to the point of making those imagined scenarios real-life reality up in their own heads!
Needless to say, the drifting mind habit is not one that remains harmless to oneself or others when left unchecked. We are dissociating when we take ourselves "out" of the present and into some form of our past...or future...be it real or imagined....be it positive or negative in nature...and be it on a more regular than very infrequent basis! What starts out as an easy way to "escape reality" can genuinely morph into a coping style and mechanism that can run and ruin us and our own "real" lives over time.
We can't let that happen. If you feel you have an unresolved issue with the drifting mind and dissociation...licensed professionals like myself are here to help you. We really need to learn to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves---or others.
Until next post...