What is DARVO? It is an acronyn that means the following:
Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim
Offender
What the heck does that mean? It means that when we confront someone about something they have said or done that we find personally or professionally offensive, the other person will launch into DARVO mode. How so? They will "D" deny what it is you are confronting them about, then they will "A" attack you for even bringing up the issue to them directly. Next, they will "R" reverse the roles between you by now making themselves the "V" victim (because you confronted them)...and you the "O" offender.
DARVO isn't a new concept. It's been around for as long as humanity has been busy avoiding personal and/or professional responsibility for their own transgressions. After all, it takes emotional maturity to recognize and then take responsibility for our own harmful behavior(s)! Even toddlers know how to DARVO when mommy confronts them. "Billy! Where is the cookie that was right here?" "I not take mommy! You eat cookie not me!" Wow, DARVO in action at age three...
Decades ago, I was watching a video where a maid was caught stealing from the rooms she cleaned at a local hotel. When confronted by the police and shown the video, what was her response? "That's not me! You people are crazy! You think all of us look alike anyway!" (Massive DARVO moment!)
Nobody has to go to school to learn DARVO. Yet DARVO is the most common way to gaslight someone else. As a reminder, gaslighting is the practice of manipulating another person's reality so that they will see things the way you are instructing them to, rather than trusting their own judgment. There has been a lot written about gaslighting. One of the more popular books is "The Gaslight Effect" by Dr. Robin Stern. It's an oldie, but a goodie. Too many of us are easily swayed by others when it comes to the strategies people employ (like DARVO as part of gaslighting) to emotionally abuse others. By the way, emotional abuse IS the number one form of abuse amongst us. Think about that.
Avoiding responsibility is a relational lifestyle for way too many of us these days. "It's YOUR fault that I......" (Blah blah blah-de-blah!) Well, what do you expect when codependency is the cultural lifestyle of choice for the vast majority of our country today? When we allow ourselves to expect others to make sure we are "o.k." before WE ourselves do what's necessary to make sure we are o.k. (legally, morally, and ethically that is!)...we've just dipped ourselves into the dung so to speak. People do NOT exist to eat or be eaten by others...use or used by others....or treated like objects rather than equals. Yet we have gone so far up one another's behinds in the name of "real love", we have completely lost our ability to see daylight!
Codependency is people addiction. It is the ultimate addiction. A mother who is addicted to her favorite son or daughter. A grandmother addicted to her grandchildren. A wife addicted to her husband. When we are codependent, we put up with DARVO like it's our job when the offender is that same person we are addicted to!
When will we ever learn...?
Next time you experience a DARVO moment with someone, try responding as follows:
"Last time I checked, I'm not the one who (insert offensive behavior here). You were. And while you are at it, look up DARVO online. Get yourself educated."
(Well, that's what I'd say at least!) ;-) Until next post...