Today's blog post is about the bullies among us who are hiding in plain sight. In every group we are a part of I hate to remind you, exists one or more seasoned bullies. What they bully others about may be non-specific in nature "Oh hi Sam! Nice to see you wearing those jeans that look like they were just put through a meat grinder!". Or....the bullies among us may be very specific about how and when they target others, "Oh, here comes the Alzheimer's Society ready to protect and serve our *$))@ loser President again today!" Whether your "bully" is a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor, or just someone you cannot avoid seeing and interacting with when you do....bullies are here to stay. They don't just disappear. And when we walk out of a bully's life once and for all, don't be surprised when another one pops up to replace him/her/them in our own life. You know, like Murphy's Law....
Whatever the exact nature and extent of bullying we observe and/or is personally directed at us, it's time to learn how to respond back, in the moment of the offense, without reducing yourself down to your bully's own lowest level of functioning. As such, today's blog post provides us all with what we need to understand---and then do---in order to stop the madness of any bully who feels comfortable using us or our minor child(ren) as a dart board....
First, understand your source (of the bullying). Let's face it. Not everyone is right in the head, okay? Whether they took too many hits while playing football in high school...or were in a motor vehicle accident....or drink too much...drugged too much...eat crap food.....don't exercise or take care of their physical bodies...you catching my drift here? And what I am writing here represents just some of the more "basic" reasons why someone gets goofy when it comes to not being able to think clearly and speak intelligently about much of anything!
Then when you add mental health-related issues like an undiagnosed and/or improperly treated mood, personality, trauma-induced, and/or brain-related functioning disorders...what do you expect? The patience of Job? The grace of Mother Theresa? The wisdom of Solomon? Get a clue! People who make a habit of bullying are not simply sociopaths who make a career out of using people without a conscience attached. They are, most often, the products of a family system and a chosen lifestyle that actually and truly did them more harm than good from however far back---just saying!
As an aside, one of the bullies I experienced in elementary school was someone, I later found out, who came from a highly dysfunctional home life involving an abusive stepfather and step-siblings. Well, how was that supposed to work out in the end for this person? It just didn't. So before you jump to crucify your bully up down and sideways---try to understand what happened to him/her/them that made him/her/them the way they are "now". When you gain that insight, you begin to recognize that you can't expect a garbage can to magically transform itself into a gleaming castle---when around you. In this way, it would be a good time to check yourself---before you waste any more time wrecking yourself in a relationship with someone who cannot and will not change for the better no matter what "you" do to try and get that person to change!
Once you better understand "what" you are dealing with in terms of the damage done to the bully in question, you do have a choice. Do you still allow yourself to remain silent and fume on the inside each and every time he/she/they make that nasty and unnecessary caustic/sarcastic/hurtful/accusatory remark to you in front of....??? Do you reconsider your presence at events where your bully is present? Or do you learn how to proactively and verbally empower yourself so your bully is interrupted and disarmed as a result of your response? I vote for #3. How about you?
Here are some things you can say to any bully under any circumstance that offends you in the moment:
1. "Are you o.k.?" (Seriously and with concern as you ask this...and then leave the area if he/she/they don't respond truthfully and/or starts clapping back at you negatively).
2. "You may want to talk to someone about that. I'm not a therapist."
3. "I can see that you are extremely agitated right now. I don't do agitated."
4. "You understand that unless a person is asked for their opinion, nobody wants it, correct?"
5. "I'm not a dartboard, and your darts can't pierce me in case you are confused about that."
6. "I wouldn't want your nerve in my tooth right now."
7. "Keep talking. I'm diagnosing you."
8. "What made you say that to me just now?" "Can you explain what you mean by that remark?"
9. "I believe you are confusing me with someone who allows you to bully them."
10. "Whatever is making you so angry right now, I know it has nothing to do with me."
11. "By the way, you have something stuck in your teeth. You may want to go fix that."
12. "If you are setting yourself up for having a stroke right now, keep going."
13. "Whatever it is that made you this way...it's not a good look."
14. "Are you capable of communicating without all that drama attached?"
15. "You know, when you act first and think last, it's no wonder to me why you have the problems you do. You might want to see a professional about that."
--------------------
Yes, of course. Some of the above statements horrify you, make you laugh, or you actually can imagine yourself saying them out loud to your bully in the moment of an offensive behavior. All good. Just do it. If you don't start speaking up, nothing is going to change based on you keeping your mouth shut.
It does take courage to stand up to bullies. Of course it does. But not standing up to avoid any sense of real or imagined conflict is worse. That signals to the bully that you don't know how to manage yourself in the face of blatently rude and disrespectful behavior. As I just pointed out, the above-mentioned responses will appear to some like "Oh, those are so harsh! I could never say that!"---while to others, "What a joke! Saying those things won't stop any bully!" Yes, and that's how the dynamic nature of life and relationships are! One man's poison is another man's pablum. You have to still decide what you are going to do about someone in your life who can't seem to stop himself/herself/themselves from bullying YOU when you are in one another's presence.
Figure it out. If you don't, you'll end up taking your bully's bull**** for as long as you keep allowing it.
Think about that. Can you practice standing up for yourself, instead of allowing the bullies in your life to use you as target practice? It is up to you...not them!
Until next post...