So, have you ever been in a situation where you are friendly offered to someone so that you could "do" something for this person or group....and the person who friendly offered you was NOT you?! I have. Way too many times in my life. Here's how this "Friendly Offering" dynamic which is part of the codependent relationship lifestyle can look:
"Hi Mary! Listen...I emailed Susie just now about that dress she's got that's too long and needs hemming by the time of our reunion in two weeks. I told her to call you, as that's not a big deal for you to do. So expect her to call you sometime today about that!"
"Hi (Sister)! Can you make me a few dozen jack-o-lantern cookies on Friday for a party I'm having on Saturday night?" (Sister) "Sure, what time do you want me to come over on Saturday night?" "Oh! The party is for a group of women I golf with; you aren't invited to the party. Just bring the cookies over on Saturday morning by 10."
"...I'd love to see you for breakfast! Come on over at 9AM tomorrow if you can! Oh...and if you can, would you bring some of that amazing chutney you make? And you like Texas toast right? Can you pick up a loaf on your way as I don't have that here? And wait, I don't think I have any of that dark roast coffee you like; if you can get me a bag from Starbucks I can pay you for that when you get here...."
"Listen Jack. You and Rogers both live in Livonia right? He just called and said his car blew up last night and he has no way to get here for that project we're working on together. I'm gonna spring for an Uber for him to get here today...but can you do driver duty for him the rest of this week until his car situation gets straightened around? Thanks Jack! You're a winner!"
Facebook post: "Here is a cracked window I embellished to hide the crack and make it look beautiful again." Random Reply Post: "OMG I love this! Teach me how to do that! I have four windows at home that need this now!"
Jesus Mary and Joseph are we really this blind to how "friendly offering" can translate so easily to using people and loving things more? How did we get into this hot mess of relational dynamics with folks we believe we share "authentic" into-me-you-see emotional intimacy with? Let alone when we don't! Since when would ANY person feel completely free to expect "who" they want to give "what" they want from him/her/them to themselves---and/or to their OWN person or group of choice? This is functioning like an authoritarian CEO who basically tells his or her minions what to do on demand! Are you that CEO...or are you that minion? How did that come to pass? Maybe the time is now to re-evaluate your motives in your relationship life so you don't end up losing relationships without understanding why!
One reason this practice of friendly offering happens in the first place is that people want to be acknowledged and validated. In the examples mentioned above, sacrificial giving is what is expected without question from the person "selected" to do A, B, or C for the person who has friendly offered them/their services to self or others.
I am a sewer. I've been sewing since I was in 8th grade. I'll never forget the time one of our friends (now former I might add!) saw the valences and decorative pillows I made for our great room when I was into that phase. This was a long long time ago I might add; pre-therapist to be exact! When she saw what I had done, she immediately cried "Can you make me a valence for that doorwall in our kitchen?! Can you make me a tablecloth and cloth napkins to match it?!" Me being my oblivious codependent self at that time said "Sure, no problem!" Never would I have imagined that the time, effort, and energy it took to create what she wanted would involve literally over 20 hours of my otherwise free time! She was happy with the results, but I was NOT! I would have gladly bought her what she wanted instead of wasting all the time I did educating her about valence options (sizes and shapes), going with her to the fabric store(s) to find exactly what she wanted, blah blah blah. After that experience, never again! And so I learned my lesson about being friendly offered regarding other people's sewing projects. The rest came later as I experienced more and different situations where I was being treated like an object...a mere means to a desired end in someone else's life once he/she/they realized of what "use" I could be of most benefit (to them!).
Friendly offering is the nice way of putting it. Indentured servitude is the more accurate way of putting it. I don't owe you, and you don't owe me. Yet....we keep expecting whatever we expect from each other when we claim to share emotional into-me-you-see---and even when we don't in some circles! Listen, everybody has to carry their own knapsack of personal responsibilities each and every day. You do not exist to make sure my load is not too much for me to manage on any given day---and vice versa! When there are the extraordinary burdens we experience in life, that's another story. We certainly can friendly offer ourselves to help in another person's time of need---but that is very different than being told or expected to do something because "You love doing that sort of thing anyway! What's the big deal?" (Cooking, driving, picking up kids, running errands, volunteering for A, B, or C causes, etc.)
It is a big deal when we keep being treated as a free or very cheap resource that anybody and his brother can tap into on demand when So-and-So expects it! Spare me!
When was the last time you went to a party and because you are a (insert profession here), the person you are speaking with starts opening his mouth to show you his bad tooth (dentists!)....or stops to formulate the question about their kid who hates school (teachers!)...or asks you what a specific diagnosis means in your opinion (doctors!). Yep, this friendly offering can look like that too when you are out socially!
This is why I stopped sharing what I do professionally at social events about 15 years ago. I learned.
You can learn too. If you genuinely need help about something to do with YOU, yourself or your own minor child(ren)...all you have to do is ask. You may hear "No" or "Not Now" or "Maybe Later"...yet you have to practice being gracious in spite of your personal disappointment(s). On the other hand, it is complete madness to feel justified in friendly offering unpaid services or favors to someone when the person you have in mind to do the job is someone OTHER than yourself! Stop! Are you really that desperate to feel good about yourself at someone else's expense? What the?!?! STOP!
If you can't stop, that's what I'm here for. Call or text me. I can straighten you out. No joke.
Until next post....