How many times....do we need to repeat history before we understand what we can do to change it? As you may have surmised, I am not talking about those parts of our history that we love and enjoy doing (or not doing!). Instead, I am speaking of the mistakes we make in our relationship lives that leave us or our chosen "person" feeling hurt, angry, lonely, confused, sometimes guilty, and definitely ashamed.
There is an older man on youtube that I watched last night who presented a short 13 minute video. In it, he talked about his wife who recently died---and how he didn't learn the biggest lesson about their marital relationship until after she had passed. He said that shortly before she died, she mentioned how they spent too much time being "right" rather than being connected as a couple. She didn't share this with him while angry or otherwise upset; he claimed she just said it while they were having one of their last conversations.
The majority of the video talked about how he realizes (now) the things he did (to be "correct" and to be "right") at her/their expense as a couple. She asked him to go dancing with her. He didn't do it. She asked him to take a pottery class. He didn't do that either. In other words, the things she suggested to help them "connect" emotionally as a couple---he didn't see the value of in those moments of opportunity.
Not unlike most "responsible" partners in a marriage, this husband had other stuff to do day in and day out like working in his career to provide for his family...fix the things he was capable of fixing both inside and outside of their property...and fulfill their family obligations as pertaining to their kids, relatives, friends, and other loved ones.
What this husband forgot about was the importance of experiencing "into-me-you-see" intimacy with his wife on an emotional level. He claimed to "know" her as they had been married for over 35 years; on the other hand, he had no idea she so deeply missed the emotional connection they once shared in the early years of their marriage.
How many times do we fixate on being "right" only to miss the bigger picture of what's going on in our own life and relationships? And please don't misunderstand, being "right" in this regard pertains to saying and doing things that are "appropriate" and "correct" and align with "the rules" as one perceives them to exist. Kind of like having to eat dinner every day at 5:30PM like clockwork and don't mess with the schedule. Or don't forget there are NO scheduled events for this family during football season outside of attending and/or watching "the game". Like that. Being "right" and being "correct" as a lifestyle puts us inside a cage we may not recognize as just that. Then when someone comes along to show us there is abundant life outside of that cage, we resist. And we keep resisting until the other person gives up. How sad. This wife....she gave up. She gave up and now she's deceased.
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I just had someone tell me the other day in great detail what she does from the time she gets up each morning until she's "ready" to go out around 2:00PM each day. And sometimes...she chooses not to go out anywhere because "it's too cold" or "it's too hot" or "I just don't feel like it today". This is the same person who is seeking a life partner after the death of her spouse earlier last year. After discussing what room she feels she can make for a new "person" in her life these days---she said without skipping a beat the following: "Well, it'd be the best if he was a lot like me already." No kidding! That IS the truth. Yet who even notices that kind of truth until things blow up and couples end up going their separate ways?
Whether we get separated by death or by choice, to be emotionally intimate with someone IS foundational to achieving genuine "into-me-you-see" intimacy with one another. Not just once, or ten times, or even fifty times---but throughout the entire relationship! Without authentically understanding each other and being willing to "do" for the other person as an act of loving sacrifice when asked---there can be no connection. Then we are just being polite and remaining distant if we stay together.
Food for thought as we hit mid-month in this first of the new year of 2026.
Until next post...