If fear is the lowest vibration, then so are shame and guilt. As human beings, we hate thinking about the things that scare us (real or imagined!), let alone when we also feel somehow responsible for whatever happened from our messy/traumatic past experiences which feeds the beast(s) of those fear(s) within us.
As children, for example, do we genuinely understand why mom and dad fight and argue as much as they do in our presence? Of course we don't! Or why dad is mostly angry when he comes home from work? Or why mom takes off a lot or just sits there staring into space smoking cigarettes all day long?
We are too young to understand what it means when adults forget we exist (as children) and carry on as if we are inside a theatre watching the movie of their adult lives unfold before our own childish eyes and minds. I can remember just jumping behind our sectional sofa and calling it a day (or a night!) to get away from it all. And what child is emotionally mature enough to say to themselves, "Oh, this nonsense they are engaging in---it all has nothing to do with me!" Yeah, right! Because children are so egocentric, we really do believe that anything "good" that happens to us is because we have "been good", while anything "bad" that happens---or happens to us personally---is because we have "been bad". End of.
Needless to say, we learn about fear, shame, and guilt whenever we do and however we do---and for sure we internalize that garbage no matter what our age may be at the time(s) we were first exposed to it!
Until we learn how to connect the dots regarding where our fear/shame/guilt began and how we have, ourselves, fed that beast over time, we don't. We just accept and live in and with the fears associated with our own past and present life's experiences. That's why so many of us repeat what we learned in childhood in our own adult relationships and with our own children once we grow up. Just a reminder.
Oh by the way, even if your parent(s) were stellar members of your community and did everything "right" so as to raise productive citizens, many children grow up with a lot of emotional and/or physical neglect which we tend to downplay as adults sitting in the therapist's office. "I was fine! We went to church. My parents worked hard to support us. I went to camp every summer. I got whatever I wanted as a kid!"
Really? What about when you just wanted to be listened to and understood...or have your parent/older sibling explain to you "how this works" when you became curious about something and wanted to understand it better? Emotional and/or physical neglect is one of those life experiences that we definitely minimize because of the damage it does to us; we learn how to function as dismissive/avoidants as a result of significant-enough neglect. These folks have a near impossible time listening and understanding others to achieve into-me-you-see genuine intimacy. In fact, these are the same folks who complain to me by saying things like "Hey, I had to figure everything out myself; why shouldn't he/she/they do the same?" Dismissive/Avoidants are notorious for paying only selective attention to that which makes them feel good about themselves. Otherwise, they are checked out emotionally as a general rule. Now you don't have to wonder why or how that occurs.
Look up "Dismissive/Avoidant" attachment style and you may be finding yourself reading about not only your parent(s) of choice, but about yourself and/or your partner as well.
As for "Dread"....dread comes into our picture when we allow ourselves to worry about those real or imagined fears we are struggling with. Dread = Worry in case you forgot. Also, Fear + Worry combined = Anxiety. For all who struggle with chronic and intense anxiety most of the time, what I am speaking about in today's blog post, part of your issue IS making your Fears and your Worries constant companions instead of working to interrupt the cycle once it shows up in your own mind/thought life.
So, there you have it; the formula which has the power to keep us stuck in a loop of thinking, feeling, and behaving that is more "bad" than good for us! Our job is to demonstrate the courage to be breaking bad whenever it pops up in our thought life, and to re-regulate our emotions after they become dysregulated...and to literally stop making the same poor choices (behavior!) that we later come to regret (if we still have a conscience to work with that is!).
While all this is going on, by the way, we are also simultaneously managing any "stuck" negatuve emotions that have to do with our messy past experiences that have a funny way of cropping up during our own hard, stressful, and overwhelming times. Being grief-stricken. That's a big one. Being angry. Being resentful. Being Bitter. These are the "Big Four" emotional grenades that can pop off immediately when unexpected and unwanted "negative" situations and/or circumstances show up on our own life's path and out of left field.
I just happened to go to NYC this past weekend when the "snow emergency of 2026" blew into the city on Sunday night. I was at a party when Mayor Mamdani declared the snow emergency and shut down the roads throughout New York city and its surrounding boroughs at 9PM until 12 noon the next day.
To say I was afraid of the snow would be a joke. I'm not afraid of snow. I'm used to it living here in SE MI. To say I was afraid of being holed up in our airbnb for the next ??? hours without knowing when we'd be able to move about freely---that would be a joke too. I'm not afraid of being holed up anywhere. As long as the power is on and I have access to cable, I'm good.
To say I was afraid of the area I was in would not be a joke, but I adjusted my sails very quickly. I was in a "gritty and unevenly gentrified" area of Brooklyn...and it showed. But me being me, I was fine so long as no rats showed up for breakfast, lunch, or dinner where we were staying. And they didn't. All good!
To say I was afraid after my flight home got cancelled on Tuesday and I couldn't get through to Delta on my phone app....yes, you would be correct! Bingo! Without my desktop computer to work off of, I knew I had to interrupt myself from spiraling down and out into the black hole of OMGWHATAMIGOINGTODOTOGETBACKHOME?!?!? This is just one minor example of how my own "imagined fear" about getting a flight back to Detroit was the specific trigger that I could have let myself go down the rabbit hole with. Yet, I didn't. I interrrupted the "loop" of thinking I was about to engage in (fear/shame/guilt/dread/avoidance)...by focusing on genuine curiosity as to how I would be able to move past "stuck" and get through to a "live" Delta agent from my phone....
When we can move past our fear/dread/avoidance as our default mental habits when triggered negatively, we need to move right into authentic hope/true anticipation/genuine curiosity about how we can go about "solving" our real life and right now issue or problem.
In my case, I went right to perplexity.ai. Why not? So I explained the situation, how I was unable to get through to Delta on my phone app...so what were my other available options? Of course, Perplexity came through. Gave me a number to call, which I did. When prompted to ID myself, I did not respond with the typical "Push 1 for.." Within 30 seconds I was connected to a live agent. Got my next available flight scheduled for the next evening; the next morning decided to check on any earlier flights using the same strategy. Was able to do that and be home by 7:30PM Wednesday night instead of midnight. Yay Perplexity. Yay Delta. Yay me.
Who said AI technology was full of *$(#? Not for me! My new "stay curious" partner when life throws me a curve ball.
So big yay YOU when you can practice courage and curiosity as your own "Step 1" in breaking bad in your own thought life and associated interactions with others! Just like I did last week in two feet of snow. :-P
Next post, a continuation of the process which frees you from being stuck in the loop of avoidance...
Until next post!