Q&A to Me....From You!

"Hi.  I don't know why I keep thinking about my ex boyfriend and wanting to be with him again.  I don't have anyone now that I like "better", though I am dating.  I keep comparing whomever I am with now to him, and it's kinda driving me crazy.  My ex boyfriend cheated on me, he drank too much, and he didn't really have a plan for his future.  So what's wrong with me?"

When we think we have found our soulmate, it is very easy to focus on everything that is good about him or her.  "She's so hilarious;  she makes me laugh like nobody else!"  "He's so brilliant; he can fix anything just by reading about it!"  Yet, as is true for any one of us...nobody is perfect.  Nobody is going to be consistently think, feel, or behave in the ways we would like them to.  Even if we are Charlie Cheerleader for that person some or most of the time---we can't control or change anybody else's negative qualities, only our own.  So that's the first thing.

Having said this, we also often pick people to be with who seem to possess MOST of the qualities we like and want, based on everyone that came before him or her.  So...if your mom was the comedienne...your dad was tall and dark...your sister is a gourmet cook...your best friend is your best secret keeper...your last "ex" was a musician and you loved that about him/her...(etc. etc. etc.)...these qualities all add up to "What I'm looking for.." without us even being consciously aware of it.  Of course if we then go to a party and meet Mr. or Ms. "Comedienne/tall/dark/gourmet cook/secret keeper/musician"...ALL sorts of fireworks will go off like the 4th of July.  Because we are who we are, we might not even know if we have ten things on our "perfect mate" list...or five...or twenty-five!  But we all, each of us, do keep a mental checklist of these things!  So---for you with your ex boyfriend, the chances are very great that he hit on "most" of the items on your list and this is why you are missing him so much.  Until you become truly comfortable and confident being alone...and understanding what qualities you truly want...and truly will not accept...your chances of repeating the pattern you've established so far in choosing a significant other is pretty high.  So become aware of your "hit list" (in both directions!)...and make sure you are loving yourself fully before you go about attempting to find love with someone else.

"I thought I was getting along really well with my sister-in-law for all these years until she wigged out on me last week about everything.  For example, she talked about how I never bring anything but ice cream to family parties at her house.  She talked about how we have parties here when her and my brother are out of town how dare us.  After she finished ranting at me, all I could think of was why did she assume I was supposed to think about her and her family's well being before I even think about myself or my own family?  They have an autistic teenage son who has issues with violent outbursts..but I don't know if that has anything to do with what she said to me (?). Help!"

You bet it does.  Anyone with a special needs child is under tremendous daily stress and pressure that few can fully understand.  Even though your sister in law and brother may behave like they are coping well enough at family events or when you see them outside of their home, believe me...they are consistently being challenged.  This is why when working with parents of special needs' kids, I stress the importance of ongoing state as well as community-based support/interventions throughout the child's life.  Here in Michigan, special needs children are eligible to receive educational and living skills-related support services through age 26. Tragically, affected parents may know this and reject these sources of available help...or not know such support exists in the first place...or need more than what they are currently receiving!  As an example, an autistic child of any age should NOT be biting, hitting, or throwing violent fits, period.  These clearly zero tolerance behaviors CAN be managed appropriately through ongoing and consistent intervention with a trained professional.  For parents who basically throw up their hands and say "We can't do anything about this!"..that is a lie!  What they mean is "We're too tired!  We need more help!"...which is the truth.

Everything else you have mentioned has to do with your sister in law's heightened expectations.  Special needs parents, left unchecked, will expect a whole lot more from others they feel close to without being consciously aware.  They may also expect more grace for such things as being late, forgetting to do this or that, inability to call or text "back" when contacted, blah blah blah.  You know, kind of like how it would be if you were personally connected to a celebrity or superstar.  It's all about them and all "else" they have to do and be about on a daily basis.

At this juncture, you may want to suggest that you and your sister in law see an objective third party to talk through your issues and, hopefully, reconcile your differing expectations of one another.  In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to read up on codependency and the codependent lifestyle in better understanding how easy it is for us (all of us!) to fall into the codependent trap as a way of functioning in our close personal relationships.

"I am a 65 year old male and am extremely lonely.  I don't have any really close friends anymore (for a number of reasons) and it's getting more and more difficult for me to even do the things I used to enjoy (hiking, biking, going to concerts, etc.).  Life has become more of a chore than anything else.  Is there any kind of help for me...or am I just supposed to suck it all up and forget about it?"

Yes, there is help for you..and no you aren't supposed to suck it all up and forget about it.  When we find ourselves not being able to do what we once enjoyed...and/or find that the things that used to give us pleasure don't anymore..it's time to ask for help.  Anhedonia is a real condition...and one of the hallmark symptoms of depression.  If you aren't sure about this, ask yourself how often you "Yes, but.." yourself.  "Yes, I should be spending more time out of the house, BUT..."  When you have gotten into the habit of yes-butting yourself, chances are very high that you are feeling depressed.  Depression can range from being acute in nature (something "happened" and now you are depressed about it for a time) to an ongoing form of one or more major mood disorder(s).  Whatever the case, you can contact your nearest community mental health (CMH) provider if you cannot otherwise afford psychotherapy or are on Medicaid;  you may also contact local universities' psychological services clinics to see what they can offer you at a reduced fee.  If you have health insurance with a mental health benefit, you can go to www.psychologytoday.com and find a licensed psychotherapist in your zip code area which includes practitioner photos and bios for your review and evaulation.  Hope this helps.

If you have a question for me that you want answered, you can email me at yourweeklysession@hotmail.com to my attention.  Thanks and have a great week!

Closure in the New Year...???

Recently, I read an article by a local psychologist on the issue of closure.  It was entitled "The Illusion of Closure" (Dr. Michael Abramsky).  In it, Dr. Abramsky talks about how the notion of achieving "closure" about a particular issue is a lot like the joke about Chinese food:  "You eat and an hour later you are hungry again."  For Abramsky, "mental closure is always transient".  As a Buddhist meditation teacher for 25 years, Abramsky minimizes the need to understand the past in order to authentically move past it.  Using Buddhist Monk Pema Chodrun's description of the search for closure as "looking for a reference point", Abramsky states that reference points are "standard constructs of the rational mind" and "seeks explanations and understanding;  these are the foods that satiate the rational mind."  Yet as the Chinese food joke exemplifies, you satiate one part of your mind and it ultimately triggers additional issues requiring more time and attention.

Rather than focusing on self-explanation, Abramsky suggests that we learn to flow with the moment.  "Closure implies a permanence that does not exist;  seeking the illusion of closure is a path toward more suffering."

A lot of what Dr. Abramsky has to share on this issue makes logical sense.  We all know that pain is inevitable in this life...though suffering is truly optional.  Think about someone you know, right now, who has driven you around the bend with their inability to move past what happened to them (insert event, time frame of event, nature of trauma here).  Yet, this is how unresolved trauma rolls.  We don't know what to do about getting better because we don't know what to do about getting better.

So what's the treatment plan when we have clients who are chronically anxious, depressed, traumatized, obsessive, and/or self harming?  Abramsky's plan seems to heavily focus on the adoption of a spiritual world view which embraces the cycle of pain and suffering as something we can never really do anything about other than accept it.  To flow with it.  To embrace it and sit with it.  To transcend it.

I don't know about you, but getting our minds right about what we struggle with mentally truly does begin by knowing what we believe about human existence and why we're even here in the first place.  If all of this around us is just a figment of someone else's imagination...if we have no point or purpose for being here other than to live and die and be forgotten once we are dead...then we are being both selfish AND arrogant to believe we deserve a good enough life.  It is what it is ladies and gentlemen.  Eat or be eaten....on any given day and in any given moment.  There is no point to anything.  We just are here...and one day we'll be gone.  Live with it.  Accept it.  Move on.

That's one spiritual world view that does work well enough for many...until one realizes that we are much more complex beings than our animal, vegetable, or mineral counterparts.

To heavily or exclusively focus on achieving enlightenment, going with the flow, daily mindfulness, and all the rest associated with Eastern philosophy and teaching to move past traumatic life experiences, in my own opinion, the equivalent of pursuing denial with a capital "D".  Not that these skills aren't helpful as part of the healing journey in anyone's life;  they are.  But they are not the be all end all "answer" to achieving optimal mental health.  We DO need to understand what happened to us and why....so we can learn to change our thinking, change our feelings "patterns", and change our associated patterns of dysfunctional behavior.

One of the best books ever written on overcoming trauma is "Surviving Survival" by Laurence Gonzales.  In it, Gonzales presents several real-life cases involving individuals who moved past what any of us would consider horrifying circumstances.  As the book presents, there are several things we can do and practice to move past what has plagued us without getting stuck or caught up in the same cycle of suffering and repeated suffering over the course of time.  We may never get over the significant traumas we have experienced in our lives, but we certainly can learn to move past them.

And when we have learned how to move past what we have struggled with because we don't feel as (insert uncomfortable feelings here) as we once used to...we HAVE experienced a form of authentic closure. Which is a good thing.

Until next time...