I don't think there are too many people left who haven't heard or read this in the past: Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result....
Yet, that's exactly what I see (over and over again!) as a psychotherapist working with clients of all ages. Do you need examples? I've got a million of them. How about the bewildered husband who can't understand why his wife is so "stressed out" all the time when there are five kids, two dogs, and he primarily functions as kid #6 whenever he is home for more than an hour or two? Or the single adult woman who can't find a boyfriend yet wants to be married and have a family one day...but rarely leaves the house except to go to work and back? The tenth grader who is already able to put away a fifth of vodka every weekend and claims it helps her to "feel better" in spite of the fact she can't and won't articulate what she feels "bad" about in the first place!? I hope you're getting the picture here.
So what are we to do "really" when we are stuck repeating the same patterns (of thinking and of feeling and of behaving) that KEEP leading to the same dysfunctional end results?
As a first step, take a sheet of paper and write the following down on it: STOP! RELAX! THINK! ACT!
Post it on every wall you find yourself looking at on a daily basis. As simple as this sounds, it may be the first and most important step in motivating you to focus appropriately on what's going on inside your head and heart before you kick them both with your own dysfunctional (and repeat) behaviors. For you see, what comes to us naturally is just the opposite: we often ACT first and THINK last...if at all. And since we are creatures of habit, it can be very difficult to put a stop to any of our own ACTions if we believe (the lie) that repeated dysfunctional behaviors can lead to positive (and functional!) end results!
So the next time you are tempted to do or say that something that hasn't worked before to achieve (fill in the blank), do yourself a favor and STOP, RELAX, and THINK about it first. Your son isn't going to stop being a drug addict because you gave him money (again!) this month to pay his rent; your husband isn't going to be more responsible because you keep doing everything for him and then some.
Think of it this way if you must: Act. Stop. Relax. Think. And you wonder why you have problems?
