You may be wondering how my last post is connected to the issue of forgiveness. I promised "next time" in post #2 to this blog that I'd talk about that (forgiveness that is). So here I am to do so...
Forgiveness is a choice, just as is living in the muck and remaining traumatically bonded to those who have hurt us in the past. Although everybody's story is different....having had a traumatic childhood, then picking the wrong girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse, then not achieving one's career goals and aspirations, then financially struggling with no end in sight (need I go on?) can lead to one's life feeling like one giant cluster cluck (I'm keeping it G-rated today folks)!
When we don't do the work to move past our painful and traumatic experiences, in an appropriate way, we are pretty much doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again (or re-enact them at the very least) all on a subconscious level. Some of us also have an issue with the thousand yard stare; we can't listen to too much without "checking out" mentally and just staring ahead into space (like that counts for paying attention?!). We may also find ourselves talking about the same negative stuff over and over again like it's our job...without realizing that most of the people who know us and care about us are REAL tired of hearing about our depression, or our screwed up life, or what a creeper Uncle Herbert was back in the day, etc. etc.
Although we can't ever truly get "over" our past trauma...we certainly can learn the lessons from back there, and move past what we endured in a healthier and more enlightened way. To repeat, this pain thang CAN teach us a whole lot when we allow it to. Then of course we can practice those lessons we have learned in our present life so we don't make similar poor choices again...and again...and again!
I recognize that everyone's story is different. Some of you reading this believe you had a truly good enough family of origin. Your parents did the best they could with what they had (and you know it)...yes, your one brother may have struggled with unresolved anger issues and used you as a punching bag every now and then...and one time there was the incident where he fondled you inappropriately in front of his best friend (but you remember these things and claim to be "past it")..blah blah blah.
But what YOU have to consider now is why you keep your kids away from your brother and his family and would rather "not" talk to him if you can at all help it at family events? Or why you let your brother babysit your kids without a care in the world as to what he may do if any of them piss him off---or arouse him! Oh, and wait? Wasn't that your brother's sixth beer this afternoon at the family reunion picnic? Do you get my point? We can say we've forgiven someone or that we've "done our forgiveness work"..when in truth, we have not. We remain clueless and oblivious and haven't learned any lesson(s) at all from what came before us. This is not a good thing.
Contrary to popular belief, forgiving someone who hurt you isn't about sending them (or yourself!) the message that what they did to you was "o.k." or "no big deal". Nor does it mean that you can suddenly "trust" your past perpetrator(s) like they have done their work to heal, change, and grow. Quite the opposite in fact. Forgiveness is opening up the door to the mental prison cell you have been confined to with that other person...and walking out of it forever. We call it breaking the traumatic bond(s) between yourself and the other person(s) who hurt you so deeply.
I trained in a prison, so the analogy here IMHO is pretty powerful. Have you ever seen how small a prison cell is these days? Can you imagine being locked up with the person who hurt you "most" or "most often"...let alone ALL of them from your past? Talk about driving yourself nuts! And yet forgiveness is the ONLY thing that will free you up enough to walk out of that cell and into the light of day. If you choose to go back into that same prison cell every night, that's on you. Unfortunately, this can happen each and every time you are reminded of and/or triggered by something in the "here and now" that reminds you of your traumatic past. What we must learn is to allow yourself to stop, relax, think, and forgive (again and again if need be) in those moments. Forgiveness IS a decision...and a decision we may need to make multiple times in a day...or a week...or a month...or a year. And don't be using substances to "relax" either. That's a whole other issue that can be created in our attempt to forget what what haven't even authentically forgiven yet!
It has been said that unforgiveness is like holding hot coals in your hands with the intention of throwing them at the person who hurt you. YOU are holding the hot coals...not them! YOUR hands are burning...not theirs! Ironic how perpetrators of abusive behavior sleep pretty darn good most of the time. That's due to the fact that the majority of them don't have a conscience to worry about. Victims or survivors of abuse, on the other hand, can have a terrible problem with falling asleep or staying asleep. Geez! Wonder why that is? NOT! Between our own inability to take consistent care of ourselves, whatever remnants of unforgiveness we still harbor against our abusers, stress, uncontrollable circumstances, etc. etc....we can end up feeling and functioning as a right mess.
Consider forgiveness work as part of your own healing journey.
Forgiveness is a choice, just as is living in the muck and remaining traumatically bonded to those who have hurt us in the past. Although everybody's story is different....having had a traumatic childhood, then picking the wrong girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse, then not achieving one's career goals and aspirations, then financially struggling with no end in sight (need I go on?) can lead to one's life feeling like one giant cluster cluck (I'm keeping it G-rated today folks)!
When we don't do the work to move past our painful and traumatic experiences, in an appropriate way, we are pretty much doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again (or re-enact them at the very least) all on a subconscious level. Some of us also have an issue with the thousand yard stare; we can't listen to too much without "checking out" mentally and just staring ahead into space (like that counts for paying attention?!). We may also find ourselves talking about the same negative stuff over and over again like it's our job...without realizing that most of the people who know us and care about us are REAL tired of hearing about our depression, or our screwed up life, or what a creeper Uncle Herbert was back in the day, etc. etc.
Although we can't ever truly get "over" our past trauma...we certainly can learn the lessons from back there, and move past what we endured in a healthier and more enlightened way. To repeat, this pain thang CAN teach us a whole lot when we allow it to. Then of course we can practice those lessons we have learned in our present life so we don't make similar poor choices again...and again...and again!
I recognize that everyone's story is different. Some of you reading this believe you had a truly good enough family of origin. Your parents did the best they could with what they had (and you know it)...yes, your one brother may have struggled with unresolved anger issues and used you as a punching bag every now and then...and one time there was the incident where he fondled you inappropriately in front of his best friend (but you remember these things and claim to be "past it")..blah blah blah.
But what YOU have to consider now is why you keep your kids away from your brother and his family and would rather "not" talk to him if you can at all help it at family events? Or why you let your brother babysit your kids without a care in the world as to what he may do if any of them piss him off---or arouse him! Oh, and wait? Wasn't that your brother's sixth beer this afternoon at the family reunion picnic? Do you get my point? We can say we've forgiven someone or that we've "done our forgiveness work"..when in truth, we have not. We remain clueless and oblivious and haven't learned any lesson(s) at all from what came before us. This is not a good thing.
Contrary to popular belief, forgiving someone who hurt you isn't about sending them (or yourself!) the message that what they did to you was "o.k." or "no big deal". Nor does it mean that you can suddenly "trust" your past perpetrator(s) like they have done their work to heal, change, and grow. Quite the opposite in fact. Forgiveness is opening up the door to the mental prison cell you have been confined to with that other person...and walking out of it forever. We call it breaking the traumatic bond(s) between yourself and the other person(s) who hurt you so deeply.
I trained in a prison, so the analogy here IMHO is pretty powerful. Have you ever seen how small a prison cell is these days? Can you imagine being locked up with the person who hurt you "most" or "most often"...let alone ALL of them from your past? Talk about driving yourself nuts! And yet forgiveness is the ONLY thing that will free you up enough to walk out of that cell and into the light of day. If you choose to go back into that same prison cell every night, that's on you. Unfortunately, this can happen each and every time you are reminded of and/or triggered by something in the "here and now" that reminds you of your traumatic past. What we must learn is to allow yourself to stop, relax, think, and forgive (again and again if need be) in those moments. Forgiveness IS a decision...and a decision we may need to make multiple times in a day...or a week...or a month...or a year. And don't be using substances to "relax" either. That's a whole other issue that can be created in our attempt to forget what what haven't even authentically forgiven yet!
It has been said that unforgiveness is like holding hot coals in your hands with the intention of throwing them at the person who hurt you. YOU are holding the hot coals...not them! YOUR hands are burning...not theirs! Ironic how perpetrators of abusive behavior sleep pretty darn good most of the time. That's due to the fact that the majority of them don't have a conscience to worry about. Victims or survivors of abuse, on the other hand, can have a terrible problem with falling asleep or staying asleep. Geez! Wonder why that is? NOT! Between our own inability to take consistent care of ourselves, whatever remnants of unforgiveness we still harbor against our abusers, stress, uncontrollable circumstances, etc. etc....we can end up feeling and functioning as a right mess.
Consider forgiveness work as part of your own healing journey.