When it comes to this subject, people often think of substance or process addictions rather than relationship dynamics. Please allow me to explain. It's easy to imagine a person with a drinking or drug problem as having "repetition compulsion" when each time the stress of life gets to be too much, it's time for a drink/smoke/snort/pill. The repetition compulsion may also be undestood as that need to "go shopping", "go gambling", or "go out and party"...which represents process addiction issues.
However, rarely do we view the repetition compulsion as anything to do with the hell we put ourselves (and others!) through in our important relationships. After all, most of us want to believe that we are "unique" and that we aren't simply repeating what we saw/lived through/experienced in the past. Yet, sadly, that's exactly what the majority of us do: we repeat the same bad behaviors we learned growing up without wanting to see it with our own eyes.
Let me explain. Sue was an old friend of mine who knew something was "wrong" with her mother from the very beginning and said so. Sue wasn't sure if her mother had a mood disorder...or if she was just a mean person generally speaking. All Sue knew was that her mother would "go crazy" and "do crazy things" every so often as Sue was growing up. Like the time her mother just took off without telling anyone for several days. Or the time Sue found her slumped over like a rag doll on the couch after school. Sue's father wasn't around much because he was "working"...but Sue sensed she wouldn't want to be around much either if she was in his shoes.
Flash forward to Sue 15 years and two kids later into her own marriage. Suddenly, Sue finds herself feeling like she wants to jump out of her skin most days. She doesn't go to the doctor to talk about this issue; she instead focuses on her "stiff neck" and manages to score some Vicodin through a friend. Before Sue realizes it, she can pop six Vicodin a day and get through those days just fiiiinnnnnneeeeee. Her neck doesn't hurt anymore, but her kids sure are driving her crazy. And where is her husband anyway? He works WAY too much! Instead of taking off for days on end, Sue decided to look up some old friends from childhood one night on Facebook. She finds them. She especially finds one who used to be an old flame. Score! Before you can say "Shazam!", Sue is filing for divorce. She had to. She remembers how her mother threatened to divorce Sue's dad 10,000 times during the last 40 years of their marriage. Sue was no dummy. She's not going to the make the same mistakes her mother did. Of course not. Sue is different. Sue would NEVER repeat the same stupid choices her mother made. Or would she...???
You decide...
