If you haven't already guessed, the codependent lifestyle is NOT a way to function in your important personal relationships. Yet codependency is one of those "natural" ways of relating to one another that we just do without thinking too much about it. Kind of like lying, cheating, and living in denial. Nobody has to go to school or attend classes in college to learn these things. They just come naturally....
Interdependence is the goal in any important relationship, period. In the interdependent relationship, you know when to "step in" and help someone else IN AN APPROPRIATE MANNER when necessary...but you also know how to take care of yourself IN AN APPROPRIATE MANNER every single day. As such, there is an ebb and flow that is created between your "independent" status (which is ongoing as an adult person) and your "dependent" status when you either legitimately need help yourself---or can legitimately provide help to someone else struggling with an extraordinary burden.
O.K. Stop and hold the mustard for a moment. What I just wrote sounds easy enough to understand right? But believe me, you'd be amazed how messed up things can get when we start talkin' about that slippery slope of what an "extraordinary burden" is----or is not. An extraordinary burden is NOT (for example!)the fact that you don't work full time or haven't worked full time in XX months or years because "the right job" hasn't come up yet for you. I've seen way WAY too many men and women in recent years "hold out" for a job that never showed up in the first place. As a result, there is someone else (always someone else!) who is picking up the financial slack for them and/or the "blame" for the job that never showed up. I'm so sorry but if you have arms and legs that work and a brain that works...you can get a job. You may even get two jobs. Whatever it takes (including McDonald's, including Walmart, including Home Depot)...go and do it! An extraordinary burden in this example would pertain to people who can't work because they've just been hit by a bus or a car---or are seriously and chronically ill. This "I can't work because I can't find the job I want" is a crock. A crock that puts you in the category of a big time codependent taker...
People who know how to function interdependently with one another have learned how to see circumstances and people as they truly are (being "objective")rather than how they "prefer" them to be (either better than reality...or worse than reality). Interdependent people are also appropriately responsible (and not over-responsible or under-responsible), and they understand the only ONLY person that they can truly control is themselves (and nobody else!). As such, interdependent people are not easily controlled...or controlling...towards others.
