O.K. Kim. This one's for you...
My favorite description of passive aggressive behavior is this: "it's only passive aggressive when it's not on purpose". Inotherwords, PAs (as I will refer to the passive-aggressives among us from now on) are masters of saying one thing and doing another with the end result being as follows: it hurts someone else.
Behaving in a passive aggressive way comes very VERY easily to all of us. Why is this? I believe it is because we have such a hard time being appropriately ASSERTIVE with each other. Looking only at basic communication styles for a moment..there are only so many choices of "how" we can present our feelings, needs, and wants when we communicate with each other.
These four choices are as follows: we are either passive communicators ("o.k.", "whatever you say honey", "I don't need anything", "I don't mind", "no, I'm just fine..nothing is wrong"), or aggressive communicators ("No way!", "Get out of here right now!", "I hate you!", I can't stand the sight of you!"), or passive-aggressive communicators (passive compliance verbally and then passive resistence literally--your words NOT matching your subsequent actions), or finally assertive communicators (appropriately identifying and expressing how you feel and what you want, and/or need in a comfortable and timely manner while also graciously accepting the other person's "yes", "no", or "maybe later" response(s) to you). Without learning how to be appropriately assertive in our communication style...we will "naturally" fall into one of the other three categories without consciously being aware of it.
That's how passive aggressive behavior can initially rear its ugly head in our basic communication practices with one another. And listen, we all do it and have done it. If some telemarketer calls me up on the phone and says, "Can I send you this blah blah for you to at least review before you decide", I sometimes will say, "Sure, go ahead!" Invariably, if the thing actually arrives in the mail, I usually deposit it into File 13 (the garbage can). That's being passive aggressive. Yet I can easily justify my PA behavior by saying to myself, "Who cares? It was just a telemarketer and he forgot about me and vice versa as soon as he hung up!" We are all PAs in our own way and under our own specific set of "acceptable" circumstances. Anyone trying to sell me something I don't need or want, being a PA is the "nicest way" to blow them off while appearing polite and mannerly in the process. I also can function like a PA when I am hurt, angry, lonely, tired, or sad---just to name a few "uncomfortable" feelings I may be experiencing. This acronym (HALTS! Hurt, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sad) helps us to be aware of the triggers that can cause us to go PA without a second thought!
We get into major trouble, however, when our passive aggressive behavior becomes habitual or chronic---and of course involves those others we claim to "love" (such as a spouse, partner, child, or family member). When PA behavior morphs into a lifestyle choice, this is when it can become a personality issue. Instead of practicing PA behavior now and then or once in a while---individuals with PA personality disorder ultimately make it very clear that they don't do what they don't want to do---ever!
In our close personal relationships, PAs can wreck havoc. PAs often appear as sullen, resentful, stubborn, and so often "unable" to do the things that they agreed to do in the first place. This last bit is referred to as "learned helplessness". PAs are also great procrastinators. For example, PAs may take hours to get ready for a party they do not want to attend in the first place..and once there, do not appropriately interact with the other guests, complain about the (fill in the blank here!), want to leave early, etc. etc. When a PA is really good at what he or she does, they'll arrive to the party when it is nearly over!
For couples, abstinence is a common complaint when it comes to physical intimacy. Be it the husband or the wife, "no sex" is the ultimate "I'll show you" PA behavior. I recently heard about a couple who were going out for their 20th wedding anniversary. Restaurant reservations were made, both parties were on board about going, etc. etc. Once at the restaurant, hubby decided to start beeatching about everything in his life that was bringing him down. His job...his financial problems...his dis-satisfaction with the food once it arrived at the table. Grant it, he wasn't yelling during dinner or being "overtly" hostile. Yet his hostility and anger were coming through loud and clear GIVEN THE SUBJECT MATTER he brought to the table in the first place! Needless to say, when this couple when home and hubby was ready to play, wife had a headache and went immediately to sleep. Two-way PA in action!
Why are PAs this way to begin with? One area of understanding has to do with avoiding responsibility. PAs who like work but don't like people so much are a great example. These are the folks who view "Work as play and play as work"; in personality assessment circles these are known as the "green" personalities. They can be extremely responsible when it comes to getting up and going to work every day and putting in a full day (or more) of concentrated effort. But once back home, it's shut down time. Your spouse may smile at you and eat dinner with you and pat each kid on the head for 5 or 10 minutes---but there is NO authentic interaction to build and/or maintain emotional intimacy as a couple. This is often because the PA doesn't want to be responsible for his or her emotional availability in general...let alone towards you, as their spouse and/or partner. It's too much work. Don't wanna do it. Forget it. Later.
Another reason why PAs develop has to do with their invalidating experiences as children. Parents who are overly critical...parents who are just "gone" generally speaking...parents who have verbally, emotionally, physically, and/or sexually abused their children...all of these experiences do contribute towards the development of habitual and/or chronic PA behavior at the very least!
In the end, passive aggressive behavior can be corrected---but it takes the desire to do so, time, and practice. So the next time you feel like saying "yes" when you are really feeling like "no" instead---just practice saying no and leave it at that! That's progress.
