I think this will be the title of a book one day. I'm debating whether or not to insert the "W" where appropriate...but I'll figure it out. Listen, this is probably the most "G"-rated version of a book title I could come up with on this topic. I had toyed with "Whoring Husbands and Wacked-out Wives"; that reminded me too much of an episode of The Sopranos so I opted out of that one. Then there was, "The Man-Whore of the House and the Family Who Are Stuck With Him"...but then I figured it's complicated enough just talking about how Man-whoredom affects wives and girlfriends. If I start getting into how children and adult children are affected by man-whores, I'd have to write a whole new book! (Part II, that's it!) Instead, I will focus for now on what I have to say about this very hot and taboo topic that often comes up (far too often!) in psychotherapy...
First, let's clarify what a man-whore (hereafter referred to as MW to make it easier on me!) is. Yes, that's right. You got it. See how easy that was? He's a man...and he's also a whore.
Let's start with the first common dynamic among MWs and their significant others. Let's assume you are the wife or girlfriend of a MW and you know it. You have known it for a long time, you feel powerless to change his MWing ways, and you don't care so long as he keeps his antics discreet from those others who might "judge" him, or you, or the both of you in a negative way. One question I have to ask you, as a psychotherapist, is how you ever came to accept MWing as something that is "normal" or "normal enough" for him to pursue within the context of your relationship? I mean, are you yourself the adult child of a current or former MW? Don't balk; this is a very common thread present among women who choose a MW. Why is it common? Because whether you are consciously aware of it or not...you believe somewhere deep down inside yourself that either (a) you really can ultimately "fix him" somehow (unlike him whom you couldn't fix from your past), (b) you aren't deserving of anything better anyway than a MW for a significant other, and/or (c) you're the same way and what the heck, today they call it an "open" relationship! If you have more options here to add, please feel free to contact me and I'll consider them: www.yourweeklysession@hotmail.com
Whatever your own core beliefs are about why you chose and are putting up with the MW in your life...please be aware of the DAMAGE such a lifestyle will cause you (and your children if you have them) over time. Right now there happens to be a case on True TV about a doctor in Ohio who was so busy MWing his way through his part of Ohio...he had sex with seven different women within 24 hours AND gave the gift of a sexually-transmitted disease to his wife and some of these "others" he had been playing with. He's on trial for poisoning his wife; I say she was already poisoned the day she said "I Do" to this idiot. Grant it, you may not end up dead as a result of your husband's MWing ways and lifestyle...but hey--it's all a matter of degrees now isn't it? How many women have I seen who I believe are truly "dead" inside as a result of their husband's philandering ways? I can tell you here and now, far far too many...
MWs don't have a conscience (obviously!) in this area of their lives. And I hate to tell you, they probably don't have a conscience in other areas of their lives as well. I mean can we get real here? Do you think your typical MW truly functions as a "good guy" when anyone gets to meet or know him for more than a minute? The answer here is, in case you were wondering, N-O! What you find is that lying, cheating, and being willing to throw anyone under the bus so long as it isn't oneself is what MWs do really well---and quite naturally. And when was the last time you saw a MW in action who didn't look at and treat his potential prey as a piece of kobe beef? Come on now ladies, g-e-t-r-e-a-l! Most any woman with an IQ over 90 who has been "targeted" past or present by a MW learns to recognize ANY MW pretty quickly when she stumbles across one. They treat us like objects, they invaribly turn the conversation into something sexual, they stare at the body part(s) which most interest them...it's almost comical how "transparent" a MW can be in social situations! So if you were living under the false impression that "nobody knows" your significant other is a MW but you....WRONG! DING DING DING! We know.
Another question I like to ask women who are involved with MWs is this: if you say you truly "love" him...how is what he is doing TO YOU any form of "love" in return? It's not. It's abuse. It's a twist on the typical forms of abuse...but it's still abuse. Think about that. MWs typically don't think very much of women even though they may obsessed by them and "want" them every which way and Sunday. But seriously, how can a man who is MWing around REALLY have any deeply-felt respect for women in general? They don't. Want an example? I don't care what anyone says to me about strip bars and how "o.k." they are. All I have to do is turn it around to make my point. What if instead of adult women stripping, strip bars suddenly changed and the only "strippers" to watch were underage kids? How "respectful" is that of a fellow human being? Every stripper working today knows he or she is paid to function as a lust-fantasy object (yes, OBJECT) for every viewer in sight. MWs and strip bar junkies are are cut from the same cloth in this respect; they do NOT respect women as the fellow human beings they are. All they want is to satisfy their own need at someone else's expense. Just because there are women out there willing to be "used" in this way still doesn't make it right!
As a woman who loves a MW...you can try to believe that he loves and "respects" you, but believe me honey, he does NOT! The bigger question here is why you don't love and respect yourself either!
Well, that's it for tonite's post! I figured if I had to start out 2011 with a bang on a topic that is guaranteed to ruffle plenty of feathers, this is the one! Happy New Year...and until next time!
