Jealousy is nothing new. I don't care where you come from in the world or when you were born---you know what being and/or feeling "jealous" is like. You also know what it feels like to be the object of someone else's jealousy.
Jealousy and envy get mixed up a lot because people often use both terms to try and describe the same phenomenon. Before going any further, let me just clarify the difference between the two. You have blue eyes and I don't. I want blue eyes like you. That's envy. You have a lovely spouse and two small children. I'm single and haven't even been out on a date in ages. I wish I had your type of family. That's envy too.
Jealousy, on the other hand, is focused on specific people and relationships rather than the "idea" of them---or some specific "thing". Going back to the above-mentioned example, I am envious of the fact that you have a lovely spouse; if I wanted your spouse for myself and possibly took steps to make that happen--that's jealousy at work. See what I mean? If envy is the drizzle or light rain that can occur before a storm---jealousy is the tsunami.
Is it even possible to "cure" a jealous nature? Can people who are extremely jealous "get" better at all? I think so. So let's talk about how that happens...
First, consider your important relationships. I don't know how many times I have met both men and women who have chosen MAJOR flirts as their significant other, partner, or spouse. Now how do you think that is going to play out if you know you have a jealous nature "anyway"?! I mean, does it really take a rocket scientist to notice when someone you are dating keeps looking at every other man/woman in sight when you are together? Does the term "bobble head" mean anything to you? If your date cannot even focus on you for an evening without noticing the strangers around you every 30 seconds...how does that encourage true emotional connection with you? It doesn't! No wonder you're flippin' jealous! In this type of scenario, you need to consider changing NOT your playground...but your playmate. You'd be amazed how much "less" jealous you may feel when you have someone in your life that ACTUALLY pays consistent attention to you!
For the major flirts out there, consider this. Why isn't the focus and attention of one person enough for you? What are you trying to accomplish for real by staring and winking and straining your neck to get that last glimpse of...??? Do you truly believe that flirting to the extent you do is going to lead to anything that is "solid" relationship-wise over the long term? Who are you kidding? People who have made a career out of flirting are basically focused on the chase. Yet how can you have a chase without an eventual capture? Seriously, what are you playing at? If you want to be with anyone or everyone that catches your eyeballs---stay single! Be a player! That at least is more honest than "play-acting" at a monogamous relationship that you must not really want or want to honor in the first place!
Trying to cure your jealousy when you are hooked up with a player, major flirt, adulterer, and/or philanderer is like trying to quit smoking by living with a human cigarette. The two just do NOT go together.
Which leads me to my next point. When a person has struggled with feelings of being neglected, ignored, and/or abandoned....of COURSE it is going to feel fantastic when someone pays attention to you. It can, in actuality, become quite addictive. Hence, "relationship addicts", "sex and love addicts", blah blah blah. So----in curing your jealous nature, it would help to look at "this" aspect of your present life and history. You can have the nicest and most wonderful partner in the world who would NEVER give you ANY reason to be jealous...but if YOU need the attention (like a "fix") in order to feel good about YOU and who you are...then this is your area of healing to focus on. Your work here would involve learning how to truly love and accept yourself. Instead of seeking approval and attention from others in order to feel (fill in the blank) basically "good" about yourself---this work is about falling in love with yourself just as you are. Once you can do that in a "healthy" way---you will be able to better tolerate feeling lonely, ignored, and/or rejected when "it" occurs.
Let's face it. Nobody gets positive strokes 24/7 for the rest of their lives. We have to learn how to "manage" ourselves in such a way so we don't end up hurting ourselves (or others!) because of a need we have that will never truly be satisfied in the first place!
Next time, we'll talk about the practical ways to be appropriately engaged in life as a recovering green-eyed monster...
