I just got back from a week in Santa Barbara, California. While I was there, I met up with an old and true friend of mine since high school. Friendship, when it is true by the way, is a beautiful thing. As such, today's post is about the power of friendship and what we need to remember about what it takes to be and have truly "good" friends....
Jody Watley (now that the 80's are back, I figured I'd use an 80's icon as a good initial analogy here) had a song in her repetoire back in the day which best sums up today's topic: "Friends". Loved the song then and still do now. Excellent beat, great to dance to, but the lyrics are a BIT disturbing. Please allow me to share some of them with you right now:
"Friends"
Have you ever been stabbed in the back
By someone you thought was really cool
Did they steal your lover
or was it money
Or was it lies they told
Strangers just disguised as your friends
Never again cause now you know
Friends will let you down
Friends won't be around
When you need them most where are your friends
Friends are hard to find
Friends yours and mine
I'm talking about your friends...
(I highly recommend downloading this song so you can get the full impact of "it" separate and apart from this post!)
Unfortunately, there are way too many friendships out there that reflect this shadow side of friendship more than they do the "real deal" of a good and solid "healthy" friends relationship. Let's talk about that for a bit.
Friends who betray us, hurt us, and otherwise throw us under the bus are NOT really friends. Got that? They are NOT really friends. They may be family members...they may be co-workers...they may even be our significant other...but they are NOT true friends. The difference you have to figure out is whether or not YOU are driving this train alone when it happens---or with your so-called "friends" help---or if they are driving that same train alone---or with your help. Do you understand the differences there?
A "friend" who seems to get you into trouble when you least expect it MAY be the friend who is driving the train to ruin and destruction all on his or her own. This is the friend who may be caught up in various and assorted addictions and/or compulsions---and who really isn't that interested or aware of how their "actions" affect anyone else (aka y-o-u!) This has happened to me before. Plenty of times. You go with your "friend" to a party---they get wasted beyond wasted---but oh geez they drove you both to the party! You can say once twice or fifty times, "Oh, I'm sober---let me drive instead". Yet what do you do if they keep insisting "NO! I'M FINE! I'M DRIVING!" See what I mean? That's not a friend to you. That's a runaway train that's being driven by your "friend" all on their own!
Now, looking at that same situation, what if you got wasted at this party as well? You may not be "quite" as wasted as your "friend"...but in the end, you two still have to get home and somebody's got to drive the car there right? Well---if you do it---that's a case of your friend driving the runaway train, but WITH your help. God help you if you get pulled over and you both end up in jail or in a hospital bed---or dead. Another "See what I mean?" moment for you to ponder... (Especially when there is such a thing as a "taxi" that either one of you could have called instead!)
When YOU are the person driving the runaway train yourself or with your own "friend's" help---then that's a situation where YOU are not being a good and true friend to others. You just want the company or another human "body" to be there when the crap comes down the pike---as it will and always manages to do in these situations. True friendship is NOT about exploitation or mutual exploitation; it is about honoring and caring for one another while keeping their best interests at heart even more so than you may your own!
It is much easier to be a faux friend than it is to be a true and authentic friend. That's just true no matter which way you slice it. Nobody (as I have said many times before) has to go to school to learn how to lie or be jealous or cheat or put their own needs and satisfaction of them above someone else's.
Faux friends are all over the place. When I was 18 and 19 years old, I did have "good" friends---but I also had several faux friends whose purpose was "Friday night out" when we went trawling at the local discos and dance bars. Those friends fell by the wayside over the course of time and space, but yet I have seen WAY too many 30, 40, and 50-somethings these days who STILL function that way with their "friends". Just bodies banding together to "go out and party". Wow. That's friendship? No, it's not....nor will it ever be.
True friendship is a gift. You can be completely honest and "yourself" with that other person...and they with you...and yet along with the truths that you share with each other---the love, acceptance, and celebration of one another's existence is ALSO there and shared between you. Truth and love...love and truth....acceptance and encouragement....discipline and mercy...it's all one big beautiful package that is shared between you and your friend(s) for (hopefully!) the rest of your lives.
XO JH from MD <3
