Whenever I work with clients on discovering the important lessons from their past (typically childhood), I will often begin by asking them to share their memorable family stories. I also mention that these stories may have been told to them by their parent(s) or other close "adult" relatives; they may also reflect what my client actually experienced while growing up in his or her family of origin.
Take Joe for example. When we started on this journey, he said he didn't remember much and had no family stories he could think of. This happens too. What I did instead was begin to ask him about his grandparents and whether or not he remembered either of them. That was all it took. Joe spent the next hour telling me about his grandfather who behaved monstrously towards his male grandchildren. Having been this field for several years, even I was shocked at the "stories" Joe shared about the physical abuse Joe's grandfather perpetrated on his grandsons (including Joe himself). Joe told me about the time his grandfather, uncle, Joe, and his young male cousin were driving along a road in their grandfather's truck. To make a long story short, Joe's uncle flung a heavy metal object out his window at the driver in the next car. Joe watched the object make contact with that driver's head and then witnessed the driver's head hit the steering wheel as Joe's grandfather sped off. This story is one of the "milder" ones Joe relayed to me.
Now let me tell you a bit about Joe. I could never figure out upon first meeting Joe why he was so "highly defended" generally speaking. That's psycho-babble for being on the defensive. I'm used to tattoos, so that didn't surprise me; however, I have to say that Joe was sporting more than the average bear. Head, neck, arms, legs---the only area where Joe had not been tattooed was his face. Now if you are wondering how I am linking the mention of Joe's tattoos to my observation of his being highly defended, please allow me to clarify for you. You see, when it comes to tattoos, it isn't the tattoo itself that's an issue. It's the subject/object presented via the tattoo that we must pay attention to. As a matter of fact, I plan on getting a tattoo myself next trip to Maui. But unlike Joe, I won't be ordering up a rabid dog's head...or a demon/female/gargoyle (whatever in the hell it was!)...or the word "Murderer" either. See what I mean? Gotta pay attention!
Which is the point of this post today about inheritances. If I hadn't asked and listened to Joe about the "stories" he shared with me about his grandfather---I really wouldn't have any idea how Joe grew up to be such an angry and highly defended young man. But now I know. Of course, Joe's grandfather wasn't the only monster in Joe's family of origin; his uncle died in prison. His cousin is in prison now. His mother wears the scars inflicted upon her by her father. And oh by the way, Joe's mother is quite the pistol-packin' mama herself when irritated. See what I mean about inheritances? Just like eye color and body build...coping with stress through violence is just another example of what we can pass on through the gene pool with each passing generation.
Thankfully Joe is all about changing that. I have every confidence he will be successful in breaking the cycle of violence that began within his family long before even his grandfather showed up.
Every October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. The hotline receives nearly 24,000 calls every month. Stop the madness now. It begins with just one call.
Take Joe for example. When we started on this journey, he said he didn't remember much and had no family stories he could think of. This happens too. What I did instead was begin to ask him about his grandparents and whether or not he remembered either of them. That was all it took. Joe spent the next hour telling me about his grandfather who behaved monstrously towards his male grandchildren. Having been this field for several years, even I was shocked at the "stories" Joe shared about the physical abuse Joe's grandfather perpetrated on his grandsons (including Joe himself). Joe told me about the time his grandfather, uncle, Joe, and his young male cousin were driving along a road in their grandfather's truck. To make a long story short, Joe's uncle flung a heavy metal object out his window at the driver in the next car. Joe watched the object make contact with that driver's head and then witnessed the driver's head hit the steering wheel as Joe's grandfather sped off. This story is one of the "milder" ones Joe relayed to me.
Now let me tell you a bit about Joe. I could never figure out upon first meeting Joe why he was so "highly defended" generally speaking. That's psycho-babble for being on the defensive. I'm used to tattoos, so that didn't surprise me; however, I have to say that Joe was sporting more than the average bear. Head, neck, arms, legs---the only area where Joe had not been tattooed was his face. Now if you are wondering how I am linking the mention of Joe's tattoos to my observation of his being highly defended, please allow me to clarify for you. You see, when it comes to tattoos, it isn't the tattoo itself that's an issue. It's the subject/object presented via the tattoo that we must pay attention to. As a matter of fact, I plan on getting a tattoo myself next trip to Maui. But unlike Joe, I won't be ordering up a rabid dog's head...or a demon/female/gargoyle (whatever in the hell it was!)...or the word "Murderer" either. See what I mean? Gotta pay attention!
Which is the point of this post today about inheritances. If I hadn't asked and listened to Joe about the "stories" he shared with me about his grandfather---I really wouldn't have any idea how Joe grew up to be such an angry and highly defended young man. But now I know. Of course, Joe's grandfather wasn't the only monster in Joe's family of origin; his uncle died in prison. His cousin is in prison now. His mother wears the scars inflicted upon her by her father. And oh by the way, Joe's mother is quite the pistol-packin' mama herself when irritated. See what I mean about inheritances? Just like eye color and body build...coping with stress through violence is just another example of what we can pass on through the gene pool with each passing generation.
Thankfully Joe is all about changing that. I have every confidence he will be successful in breaking the cycle of violence that began within his family long before even his grandfather showed up.
Every October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic violence, please call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. The hotline receives nearly 24,000 calls every month. Stop the madness now. It begins with just one call.