As I was news channel surfing yesterday, Steve Jobs' death was the obvious front and center headline on every cable news network. One of the blurbs about Jobs that stood out for me was his last keynote speech at a college graduation ceremony. Ironically, he spoke on a topic that was going to be the focus of my blog post today. I don't know if Jobs knew that the topic he presented that day to his listening audience was the same topic that represents the #1 regret most common amongst the dying. Maybe so, maybe not. But here it is anyway for your own benefit...
"The courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.."
When people realize that their life is nearly over and can look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams, plans, and hopes have remained unfulfilled. As a psychotherapist, I have worked with the dying and know that this particular regret represents a sad commentary on what we "think" we have to be like in life in order to gain acceptance, approval, and love from those around us. When a person doesn't know exactly "who" he or she is (what you believe to be true about God and who He is or is not...what you believe to be true about yourself...what you believe to be true about other people you care about...and what you believe to be true about other people you don't care about)---then you are setting yourself up for functioning like a proverbial chameleon. You'll "be" whatever you need to be given the person or people you are with in order to keep the peace/get by/survive/maintain the status quo.
Sound confusing? Not really. When you don't know who you are, you'll be whatever or whomever other people say you should be. Which is sad. Very sad indeed. How many clients have I seen in my practice who have felt railroaded by someone else regarding the career they ended up in, the spouse they ended up marrying, the kid(s) they ended up having, and/or the lifestyle they ended up living? Plenty, that's how many. And this stuff can happen very subtley I have to say. Are you an adult child who just "knows" that if you come out (for example) as being gay, there goes your inheritance!? In this case, his mom and dad never judged anyone else overtly for being gay; as a matter of fact, there are others within the extended family who have identified themselves as gay and/or bisexual. For my client (who is not a rocket scientist by the way!), all he had to recognize was how "differently" his gay and bisexual extended family members live relative to the rest of their family system. Out of touch, out of state, and out of the fold. See what I mean? Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious because it's so subtle.
Not making a choice is just as much of a choice in the bigger picture of your life. I have heard every excuse in the book as to why a person can't return to school, won't dump their loser boyfriend or girlfriend, will never return to rehab (RIP Amy W. by the way!). Excuses are meaningless when time eventually runs out and all anyone has to reflect on is their "actual" past. Not the past they dreamed of or the past they ignored, but the past they actually lived out until their time here on earth was no more.
Get courageous. Figure out who you are and how your life really needs to go from this day forward. And then do it. One step at a time and one day at a time.
"The courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.."
When people realize that their life is nearly over and can look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams, plans, and hopes have remained unfulfilled. As a psychotherapist, I have worked with the dying and know that this particular regret represents a sad commentary on what we "think" we have to be like in life in order to gain acceptance, approval, and love from those around us. When a person doesn't know exactly "who" he or she is (what you believe to be true about God and who He is or is not...what you believe to be true about yourself...what you believe to be true about other people you care about...and what you believe to be true about other people you don't care about)---then you are setting yourself up for functioning like a proverbial chameleon. You'll "be" whatever you need to be given the person or people you are with in order to keep the peace/get by/survive/maintain the status quo.
Sound confusing? Not really. When you don't know who you are, you'll be whatever or whomever other people say you should be. Which is sad. Very sad indeed. How many clients have I seen in my practice who have felt railroaded by someone else regarding the career they ended up in, the spouse they ended up marrying, the kid(s) they ended up having, and/or the lifestyle they ended up living? Plenty, that's how many. And this stuff can happen very subtley I have to say. Are you an adult child who just "knows" that if you come out (for example) as being gay, there goes your inheritance!? In this case, his mom and dad never judged anyone else overtly for being gay; as a matter of fact, there are others within the extended family who have identified themselves as gay and/or bisexual. For my client (who is not a rocket scientist by the way!), all he had to recognize was how "differently" his gay and bisexual extended family members live relative to the rest of their family system. Out of touch, out of state, and out of the fold. See what I mean? Sometimes the obvious isn't so obvious because it's so subtle.
Not making a choice is just as much of a choice in the bigger picture of your life. I have heard every excuse in the book as to why a person can't return to school, won't dump their loser boyfriend or girlfriend, will never return to rehab (RIP Amy W. by the way!). Excuses are meaningless when time eventually runs out and all anyone has to reflect on is their "actual" past. Not the past they dreamed of or the past they ignored, but the past they actually lived out until their time here on earth was no more.
Get courageous. Figure out who you are and how your life really needs to go from this day forward. And then do it. One step at a time and one day at a time.