Waking up from a deep sleep is never easy---especially when you are, in your own mind, already "awake" when it happens. Back in my graduate student days, we learned about the "Up Periscope" mentality which states how we are invariably pretty good at noticing the "hard truths" about other peoples' lives pretty quickly. Not unlike the periscope on a submarine, once it is up and out of the water, it can be used to see very clearly 360 degrees in any direction. Yet when it comes to viewing our own lives and the "hard truths" associated with them....our periscopes suddenly seem to shatter. We see only what we want to see...and when.
Take Jenny for example. She is a wife, mother, and grandmother. She appears to be very loving, kind, and generous. She goes to church every Sunday, she volunteers at the local hospital three times a week, and she's been married for over 40 years. No one would ever dare to imagine that Jenny is also a primary toxic force in the lives of her children and grandchildren. Unbeknownst to her and them, Jenny is a major controller. So much so that her "need" to be "needed" has often resulted in the continuance of some pretty nasty family dysfunctions. She, as one example, is addicted to her grandchildren. Does that sound strange? Not when you listen to Jenny's adult children talk about their mother's "grandmothering". Without realizing it, Jenny has initiated more than one "drama" in order to undermine her adult childrens' parenting opportunities, styles, and patterns. "Oh, just let him stay here and spend the night.." she has told her adult daughter each and every time she's babysat for her grandson. Because Jenny can't hear "no", her daughter has felt helpless in standing up for herself. As a single parent, Jenny's daughter knows she "needs" her mom at times to help...but is becoming more and more frustrated with Jenny's "taking over" more and more of her grandson's daily life.
That's just one small example. I understand it's difficult to wrap one's brain around the idea of how "helping" or "giving" to someone else can often represent the front end of an extremely toxic and destructive relational style. For those who have seen me about this type of issue, I have been told many times that it can feel like a "con". "I was set up and I didn't even know it.." is one line I've heard over and over again from the unwitting "victim" living out such a dynamic.
Carrying your own load of responsibility is something we must all practice on a daily basis. Carrying someone else's load in order to satisfy your "need" to be needed is not. What will end up happening is that you'll feel burned out, used, and neglected....while those around you become increasingly angry, resentful, and guilty. It's a lose-lose proposition no matter how you slice it. Waking up from this destructive pattern begins by acknowledging the problem you have with (insert name of person(s) you are addicted to here) who just doesn't seem to understand how much you are trying to "love" and "help" and "support" him and/or her.
Remember, you are not God. The person(s) you are addicted to are not God. Only God is God.
And He wants you to wake up too....
Take Jenny for example. She is a wife, mother, and grandmother. She appears to be very loving, kind, and generous. She goes to church every Sunday, she volunteers at the local hospital three times a week, and she's been married for over 40 years. No one would ever dare to imagine that Jenny is also a primary toxic force in the lives of her children and grandchildren. Unbeknownst to her and them, Jenny is a major controller. So much so that her "need" to be "needed" has often resulted in the continuance of some pretty nasty family dysfunctions. She, as one example, is addicted to her grandchildren. Does that sound strange? Not when you listen to Jenny's adult children talk about their mother's "grandmothering". Without realizing it, Jenny has initiated more than one "drama" in order to undermine her adult childrens' parenting opportunities, styles, and patterns. "Oh, just let him stay here and spend the night.." she has told her adult daughter each and every time she's babysat for her grandson. Because Jenny can't hear "no", her daughter has felt helpless in standing up for herself. As a single parent, Jenny's daughter knows she "needs" her mom at times to help...but is becoming more and more frustrated with Jenny's "taking over" more and more of her grandson's daily life.
That's just one small example. I understand it's difficult to wrap one's brain around the idea of how "helping" or "giving" to someone else can often represent the front end of an extremely toxic and destructive relational style. For those who have seen me about this type of issue, I have been told many times that it can feel like a "con". "I was set up and I didn't even know it.." is one line I've heard over and over again from the unwitting "victim" living out such a dynamic.
Carrying your own load of responsibility is something we must all practice on a daily basis. Carrying someone else's load in order to satisfy your "need" to be needed is not. What will end up happening is that you'll feel burned out, used, and neglected....while those around you become increasingly angry, resentful, and guilty. It's a lose-lose proposition no matter how you slice it. Waking up from this destructive pattern begins by acknowledging the problem you have with (insert name of person(s) you are addicted to here) who just doesn't seem to understand how much you are trying to "love" and "help" and "support" him and/or her.
Remember, you are not God. The person(s) you are addicted to are not God. Only God is God.
And He wants you to wake up too....