Rare is the person who says upon meeting someone he or she is attracted to, "Oh by the way, I have a relationship addiction problem...so I wanted to give you the heads up about that before we go another step further." As such, I am devoting today's post to the topic of relationship or "love" addiction. Maybe you yourself are a love addict; maybe your significant other was or is a love addict. Whatever the case, I believe it's important to set the record straight on this issue. True love is NOT about being in love with the idea of being in love---"needing" a relationship in order to "be" o.k. as a person----going through relationships like underpants---and/or believing you would "die" or "couldn't make it" without a particular person as your partner.
In his book, "Addicted to Love" (a classic, by the way!), author Steve Arterburn talks about love addicts craving unconditional love, but also living in constant fear of being abandoned. Love addicts often set very high standards for themselves regarding how they are "supposed to be" in a love relationship; however, their standards are typically quite impossible to meet! I do have a friend who tried her best for many years being the "perfect" wife to her husband. She did whatever he wanted when he wanted to do it, she agreed to sex-on-demand, she even gave up her own friends and family in order to focus on his needs/his desires/his feelings first....and always. In the end, it is NOT about standards setting and your ability to meet them that ensures your place in your chosen relationship. Your partner is STILL free to disappoint you...pick "another" addiction he or she likes better...cheat on you....get bored with you...and "whatever" else no matter "how" good you are as a boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, or partner in your own mind! OR...if you are like another friend of mine who got "sick" of working so hard at her relationship...she just calmly proclaimed one day, "I'm done. It's over.", because she did NOT get back what she "expected" after all the hard work she put into the relationship over so many years...
Craving unconditional love while also being terrified of abandonment...while ALSO setting impossible standards for your own behavior...these are NOT the firm foundations on which an authentically love-based relationship is based! Actually, it is this mentality that sets you up for disaster over the long haul. No matter how "good" you think you are at relationships....true love is about the ability to deeply share one another's joys...sorrows...dreams...disappointments...and hopes...while ALSO understanding how your partner (and you!) are NOT objects but human beings on equal footing with one another! Each of you have your "own" unique way of thinking, feeling, and behaving about everything and anything in life! Accepting this reality and not working so hard to "change" the other person to be more like you is what "falling in love" for real is really all about!
Arerburn lists 35 characteristics of a relationship/love addict in his book, "Addicted to Love". It's a great list. One of the items on this list is the following: "Anger Over Unmet Needs." BINGO! Love addicts have a very difficult time expressing their own "real" needs. Most often, they don't even know what their "real" needs are! Yet they go through their relationship(s) with a vague sense of being ripped off. I remember a male friend of mine from childhood who used to say in one breath that when he got married, he was going to get his wife a "five carat diamond ring" to prove his love for her. In the next breath, he would talk about not wanting a woman who would just use him and drain him of all his hard-earned money. HUH?!?! I guess that meant when he found a girlfriend who would "refuse" a five carat ring...she was the one for him?!?!? In his case, what he "really" needed but couldn't say out loud was therapy for believing that "all" women were users and would exploit his good nature if he got close to any one of them! He also needed therapy to stop engaging in behaviors that set up his girlfriends for failure! Yet, (you guessed it!) he kept picking women who needed to be "rescued" and who would end up proving his theory correct about women who "used" him over and over again... Very sad. Very sad indeed.
The book is "Addicted to Love" by Steve Arterburn. It's at most libraries. It's worth reading if you think this may be an issue for you...or someone else you care about.
In his book, "Addicted to Love" (a classic, by the way!), author Steve Arterburn talks about love addicts craving unconditional love, but also living in constant fear of being abandoned. Love addicts often set very high standards for themselves regarding how they are "supposed to be" in a love relationship; however, their standards are typically quite impossible to meet! I do have a friend who tried her best for many years being the "perfect" wife to her husband. She did whatever he wanted when he wanted to do it, she agreed to sex-on-demand, she even gave up her own friends and family in order to focus on his needs/his desires/his feelings first....and always. In the end, it is NOT about standards setting and your ability to meet them that ensures your place in your chosen relationship. Your partner is STILL free to disappoint you...pick "another" addiction he or she likes better...cheat on you....get bored with you...and "whatever" else no matter "how" good you are as a boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, or partner in your own mind! OR...if you are like another friend of mine who got "sick" of working so hard at her relationship...she just calmly proclaimed one day, "I'm done. It's over.", because she did NOT get back what she "expected" after all the hard work she put into the relationship over so many years...
Craving unconditional love while also being terrified of abandonment...while ALSO setting impossible standards for your own behavior...these are NOT the firm foundations on which an authentically love-based relationship is based! Actually, it is this mentality that sets you up for disaster over the long haul. No matter how "good" you think you are at relationships....true love is about the ability to deeply share one another's joys...sorrows...dreams...disappointments...and hopes...while ALSO understanding how your partner (and you!) are NOT objects but human beings on equal footing with one another! Each of you have your "own" unique way of thinking, feeling, and behaving about everything and anything in life! Accepting this reality and not working so hard to "change" the other person to be more like you is what "falling in love" for real is really all about!
Arerburn lists 35 characteristics of a relationship/love addict in his book, "Addicted to Love". It's a great list. One of the items on this list is the following: "Anger Over Unmet Needs." BINGO! Love addicts have a very difficult time expressing their own "real" needs. Most often, they don't even know what their "real" needs are! Yet they go through their relationship(s) with a vague sense of being ripped off. I remember a male friend of mine from childhood who used to say in one breath that when he got married, he was going to get his wife a "five carat diamond ring" to prove his love for her. In the next breath, he would talk about not wanting a woman who would just use him and drain him of all his hard-earned money. HUH?!?! I guess that meant when he found a girlfriend who would "refuse" a five carat ring...she was the one for him?!?!? In his case, what he "really" needed but couldn't say out loud was therapy for believing that "all" women were users and would exploit his good nature if he got close to any one of them! He also needed therapy to stop engaging in behaviors that set up his girlfriends for failure! Yet, (you guessed it!) he kept picking women who needed to be "rescued" and who would end up proving his theory correct about women who "used" him over and over again... Very sad. Very sad indeed.
The book is "Addicted to Love" by Steve Arterburn. It's at most libraries. It's worth reading if you think this may be an issue for you...or someone else you care about.