People pleasers, givers, martyrs....where would we be in life without them right? I mean...if nobody opened the door for anyone else in public, there's be a whole lot of smashed faces walkin' around. I remember thinking as a kid whenever "Let's Make A Deal" was on t.v., how I always wanted to hang out with the "mom" who had the most stuff in her purse to show Monty Hall when asked. He'd say things like "Show me eight bobby pins and I'll give you $50.00!" (And back then, that was a lot of dough!) Or he might request a notebook...or matches...or a snack item. In my young mind, any "mom" who was that prepared was the kind of mom I wanted! Back then I didn't know how moms like these were also typically people pleasers, because who really carries a bunch of stuff around in her own purse for "somebody else" who might need or want it?!
As time passed, I learned more and more about people pleasers and "why" I believed they were so pathologically "nice". This, in direct opposition to my own parents, who were about one step short of a professional career in grifting for fun and profit.
Now that I am "grown" and do this for a living, I can see both the positive side---and the shadow side of the people pleasing paradigm.
So let's look at "appropriate" people pleasing first. It's pretty simple actually. You treat others how you yourself would hope to be treated in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. As I type that, I am reminded of the saying "Sometimes saying "Be Yourself!" is the worse advice you could possibly give to a person." So if you are one of those people whose middle name is "drama"....please ignore what I just typed here. Your goal would be to treat others in the exact opposite way you want or are used to being treated!
Holding the door open for someone who is right behind you in public....saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes within your earshot...offering a tissue if someone "obviously" needs one and you're right there (with tissues on your person)...these are all small examples of practicing not only good manners, proper etiquette, but appropriate people-pleasing skills as well. We acknowledge what is going on around us which involves another person or persons...and we do what we can comfortably "do" in order to help, assist, encourage, and/or motivate them in a positive way. Pretty simple stuff. What's not so simple is understanding when people pleasing behaviors become pathological in nature....and why.
Susan was a client of mine who was raised to believe she was basically "nothing" unless she was doing something for someone else. Her self esteem was below zero by the time I met her. She had an overbearing and demanding mother, an emotionally vacant and often-times absent father, and little brothers and sisters who looked to her as their primary caregiver as all were growing up together under the same roof. We all know people with Susan's same history...maybe even yourself. My best friend in childhood was certainly a Susan also. She couldn't even go out with me on a Saturday after her "chores" were done UNLESS we also dragged her younger sister, brother and dog along with us wherever we were going. At the time, I viewed her life as "normal" because I didn't know anything different myself.
But then Susan grew up. And Susan really never stopped with the people-pleasing behaviors..but now it was definitely out of control. She told me a story about having a pizza party for her youngest child and waiting until every kid and adult at the party had two or three go arounds with the pizzas before she dared to take one for herself. Nobody was looking to see "when" she did or didn't take a piece of pizza...nobody was going to judge her harshly if she ate when everyone else ate. But in Susan's mind, she was being "selfish" if she took a piece of pizza before everyone else had two or three chances to get theirs. Seriously Susan? Yes, Susan was most certainly serious. And that was just a "small" example of her people-pleasing behaviors gone pathological.
Another story involved Susan "volunteering" to bring items to a party her sister-in-law was having and hosting in her own home. Since Susan didn't think a whole lot of her sister-in-law's ability to people-please her own parents (and Susan's in-laws), Susan thought she'd do "Anne" a favor by basically bringing the entire party over to Anne's house...decorations, paper products, crystal water pitchers, drinking glasses, silverware, and all. And this was before Susan decided what food items she would bring! Again, people-pleasing gone pathological...but now on behalf of someone else's "lack" of people-pleasing skills (in Susan's own mind that is)!
I asked Susan what she expected "for real" as a result of all this people-pleasing behavior at the expense of her own general mental health and well-being. She said she didn't know. (Which is a typical answer I receive to this question which came as no surprise!). The reason why Susan didn't know is because Susan never really stopped to figure out who she was and what she was authentically about as a person separate and apart from her life-long training in the "Serve Others Unto Death" lifestyle.
Like I have often said to clients over the years, "If you want to give that much, go to school and become a nurse!" At least with nursing, your "giving" to your patients can definitely make the difference between life and death for them. But to pursue a never-ending series of "giving moments" in your private life is not only exhausting...it is insane! Especially when you find yourself doing mental somersaults over "Well, I should blah blah blah so she won't feel blah blah blah." Are you kidding me? You do NOT have to think of someone else's "possible" feelings, needs, or wants and how to satisfy them before the other person even realizes what it is they do feel, need, or want!! No! Bad bad habit! Break it before it breaks you!
So that's what I want to share on the topic of pathological people pleasing. If this sounds like you, call me. You definitely need my help. Stat.
As time passed, I learned more and more about people pleasers and "why" I believed they were so pathologically "nice". This, in direct opposition to my own parents, who were about one step short of a professional career in grifting for fun and profit.
Now that I am "grown" and do this for a living, I can see both the positive side---and the shadow side of the people pleasing paradigm.
So let's look at "appropriate" people pleasing first. It's pretty simple actually. You treat others how you yourself would hope to be treated in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. As I type that, I am reminded of the saying "Sometimes saying "Be Yourself!" is the worse advice you could possibly give to a person." So if you are one of those people whose middle name is "drama"....please ignore what I just typed here. Your goal would be to treat others in the exact opposite way you want or are used to being treated!
Holding the door open for someone who is right behind you in public....saying "God bless you" when someone sneezes within your earshot...offering a tissue if someone "obviously" needs one and you're right there (with tissues on your person)...these are all small examples of practicing not only good manners, proper etiquette, but appropriate people-pleasing skills as well. We acknowledge what is going on around us which involves another person or persons...and we do what we can comfortably "do" in order to help, assist, encourage, and/or motivate them in a positive way. Pretty simple stuff. What's not so simple is understanding when people pleasing behaviors become pathological in nature....and why.
Susan was a client of mine who was raised to believe she was basically "nothing" unless she was doing something for someone else. Her self esteem was below zero by the time I met her. She had an overbearing and demanding mother, an emotionally vacant and often-times absent father, and little brothers and sisters who looked to her as their primary caregiver as all were growing up together under the same roof. We all know people with Susan's same history...maybe even yourself. My best friend in childhood was certainly a Susan also. She couldn't even go out with me on a Saturday after her "chores" were done UNLESS we also dragged her younger sister, brother and dog along with us wherever we were going. At the time, I viewed her life as "normal" because I didn't know anything different myself.
But then Susan grew up. And Susan really never stopped with the people-pleasing behaviors..but now it was definitely out of control. She told me a story about having a pizza party for her youngest child and waiting until every kid and adult at the party had two or three go arounds with the pizzas before she dared to take one for herself. Nobody was looking to see "when" she did or didn't take a piece of pizza...nobody was going to judge her harshly if she ate when everyone else ate. But in Susan's mind, she was being "selfish" if she took a piece of pizza before everyone else had two or three chances to get theirs. Seriously Susan? Yes, Susan was most certainly serious. And that was just a "small" example of her people-pleasing behaviors gone pathological.
Another story involved Susan "volunteering" to bring items to a party her sister-in-law was having and hosting in her own home. Since Susan didn't think a whole lot of her sister-in-law's ability to people-please her own parents (and Susan's in-laws), Susan thought she'd do "Anne" a favor by basically bringing the entire party over to Anne's house...decorations, paper products, crystal water pitchers, drinking glasses, silverware, and all. And this was before Susan decided what food items she would bring! Again, people-pleasing gone pathological...but now on behalf of someone else's "lack" of people-pleasing skills (in Susan's own mind that is)!
I asked Susan what she expected "for real" as a result of all this people-pleasing behavior at the expense of her own general mental health and well-being. She said she didn't know. (Which is a typical answer I receive to this question which came as no surprise!). The reason why Susan didn't know is because Susan never really stopped to figure out who she was and what she was authentically about as a person separate and apart from her life-long training in the "Serve Others Unto Death" lifestyle.
Like I have often said to clients over the years, "If you want to give that much, go to school and become a nurse!" At least with nursing, your "giving" to your patients can definitely make the difference between life and death for them. But to pursue a never-ending series of "giving moments" in your private life is not only exhausting...it is insane! Especially when you find yourself doing mental somersaults over "Well, I should blah blah blah so she won't feel blah blah blah." Are you kidding me? You do NOT have to think of someone else's "possible" feelings, needs, or wants and how to satisfy them before the other person even realizes what it is they do feel, need, or want!! No! Bad bad habit! Break it before it breaks you!
So that's what I want to share on the topic of pathological people pleasing. If this sounds like you, call me. You definitely need my help. Stat.