I have worked with far too many brothers and sisters to NOT understand how everything is not always as it appears within a family system. One of the biggest "taboo" subjects among brothers and sisters (or sisters and sisters...or brothers and brothers for that matter!) is the issue of sibling abuse.
Today's post is devoted to the topic of siblings who may be physically, sexually, verbally, and/or emotionally abusing their brother(s) and/or sister(s)....as well as to those who are being abused (and therefore victimized) by their brother(s) and/or sister(s).
The first thing to remember always is that ABUSE IS NEVER O.K. I don't care if you (as someone who abuses or someone who has been abused) say to yourself, "It's not a big deal because I/he/she didn't..." Forget it. You're lying to yourself. I had a woman once tell me that performing oral sex on her brother was "no big deal" because "it wasn't like we were having sex or anything like that!" Really? That's kinda like saying you weren't robbed because the robber only took $1,000 from you instead of $1,500. Give me a break. When you are "forced" or othewise "heavily persuaded" to engage in sexual activity with someone else (ANY sexual activity to include kissing "with tongues", watching sexually explicit images on their I-Phone, or television, or on the internet, etc.)....LET ALONE when that "someone" is a biological relative (like your brother, or sister, or father, or mother, or grandparents)...how is that NOT abuse?! It is. Get over your delusions. IT IS ABUSE!
I remember someone I knew many years ago who was a piano teacher. She told me shortly after we met that her brother had been sexually active with her until she started having her period. After she started her period, she told me that she put an end to their sexual activity even though she was extremely afraid of her brother. I asked her why. She told me the following: "Well, if I ever came up pregnant, I'd get in so much trouble just for that---and what would my parents do if they ever found out it was my brother's? They'd kill both of us!" Unfortunately, this line of thinking is very common among sexual abuse victims and survivors. The shame, ambivalence, betrayal, contempt, and guilt "feelings" that victims continuously experience keep going round and round in their heads like a hamster wheel. They don't think or view anything very clearly because these "big 5" feelings keep them from moving forward in an appropriate direction.
For sexual abuse perpetrators, all they know is that they are in need of a "fix" and any body (and I do mean ANY body!) will do. They aren't thinking about how they are basically engaging in the murder of their victim's soul; instead, they just know they want to feel good fast. I was told just recently by a client that her sibling fractured her skull more than once during the years of their "abuse" relationship. Abusers who are under the age of 18 and have been "free" to abuse from whatever time their abusive pattern started are at most risk. These are the folks that without heavy duty and ongoing treatment for their sexually deviant behaviors WILL end up abusing others until the day they die...or are left to rot in prison. (And as we all know, prison creates a whole other "reality" for childhood abuse perpetrators who are found out within that system!)
Probably the best book for survivors of childhood sexual abuse is "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender. It talks in depth about those "big 5" feelings I just mentioned and how they impact victims of past abuse as they grow and develop into adulthood WITHOUT proper intervention and treatment. The book also talks about the "roles" abuse victims often fall into as a result of having been sexually abused as children or teenagers...and what further damage that causes. For example, do you REALLY think strippers just "like" take their clothes off for money? Do you think the 350 lb. celibate woman who hasn't ever had a boyfriend just likes to eat and be alone? Do you think the prostitute on the street corner just happens to enjoy working outdoors? Hello! There's a link to everything we do and why we do it!
For sexual abusers, what can I tell you? You didn't just one day randomly decide "Hey, I think I'll abuse my little brother and sister today!" You may not know how you got to the place you are at "now", but believe me...it didn't "just happen" because today is Tuesday and you're bored. Without immediate intervention and treatment, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime in hell not to mention eternity. Get help. Make the call. Whether it is to me or some other psychotherapist who works with sexual abuse perpetrators and victims....please make the call.
Today's post is devoted to the topic of siblings who may be physically, sexually, verbally, and/or emotionally abusing their brother(s) and/or sister(s)....as well as to those who are being abused (and therefore victimized) by their brother(s) and/or sister(s).
The first thing to remember always is that ABUSE IS NEVER O.K. I don't care if you (as someone who abuses or someone who has been abused) say to yourself, "It's not a big deal because I/he/she didn't..." Forget it. You're lying to yourself. I had a woman once tell me that performing oral sex on her brother was "no big deal" because "it wasn't like we were having sex or anything like that!" Really? That's kinda like saying you weren't robbed because the robber only took $1,000 from you instead of $1,500. Give me a break. When you are "forced" or othewise "heavily persuaded" to engage in sexual activity with someone else (ANY sexual activity to include kissing "with tongues", watching sexually explicit images on their I-Phone, or television, or on the internet, etc.)....LET ALONE when that "someone" is a biological relative (like your brother, or sister, or father, or mother, or grandparents)...how is that NOT abuse?! It is. Get over your delusions. IT IS ABUSE!
I remember someone I knew many years ago who was a piano teacher. She told me shortly after we met that her brother had been sexually active with her until she started having her period. After she started her period, she told me that she put an end to their sexual activity even though she was extremely afraid of her brother. I asked her why. She told me the following: "Well, if I ever came up pregnant, I'd get in so much trouble just for that---and what would my parents do if they ever found out it was my brother's? They'd kill both of us!" Unfortunately, this line of thinking is very common among sexual abuse victims and survivors. The shame, ambivalence, betrayal, contempt, and guilt "feelings" that victims continuously experience keep going round and round in their heads like a hamster wheel. They don't think or view anything very clearly because these "big 5" feelings keep them from moving forward in an appropriate direction.
For sexual abuse perpetrators, all they know is that they are in need of a "fix" and any body (and I do mean ANY body!) will do. They aren't thinking about how they are basically engaging in the murder of their victim's soul; instead, they just know they want to feel good fast. I was told just recently by a client that her sibling fractured her skull more than once during the years of their "abuse" relationship. Abusers who are under the age of 18 and have been "free" to abuse from whatever time their abusive pattern started are at most risk. These are the folks that without heavy duty and ongoing treatment for their sexually deviant behaviors WILL end up abusing others until the day they die...or are left to rot in prison. (And as we all know, prison creates a whole other "reality" for childhood abuse perpetrators who are found out within that system!)
Probably the best book for survivors of childhood sexual abuse is "The Wounded Heart" by Dr. Dan Allender. It talks in depth about those "big 5" feelings I just mentioned and how they impact victims of past abuse as they grow and develop into adulthood WITHOUT proper intervention and treatment. The book also talks about the "roles" abuse victims often fall into as a result of having been sexually abused as children or teenagers...and what further damage that causes. For example, do you REALLY think strippers just "like" take their clothes off for money? Do you think the 350 lb. celibate woman who hasn't ever had a boyfriend just likes to eat and be alone? Do you think the prostitute on the street corner just happens to enjoy working outdoors? Hello! There's a link to everything we do and why we do it!
For sexual abusers, what can I tell you? You didn't just one day randomly decide "Hey, I think I'll abuse my little brother and sister today!" You may not know how you got to the place you are at "now", but believe me...it didn't "just happen" because today is Tuesday and you're bored. Without immediate intervention and treatment, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime in hell not to mention eternity. Get help. Make the call. Whether it is to me or some other psychotherapist who works with sexual abuse perpetrators and victims....please make the call.