Nobody can learn much when they don't pay attention. If you hope to understand "anything" in this life, it is imperative that you pay attention. If you don't or can't or won't for whatever reason(s), your ability to "get it" about "whatever" is going to stay stuck at around zero.
Take Milana* for example. She "loves" and "adores" her boyfriend Reggie*. She wants to marry Reggie. Her Pinterest boards look like mini shrines erected in the name of the almighty "W" word (that would be wedding!). She has pins of the engagement ring she most likes, the wedding dress, the table decorations, lighting, bachelorette party outfit...need I go on? Of course it would be nice if Milana and Reggie had even one conversation about getting engaged or married sometime in the future, but they haven't. As a matter of fact, Reggie has repeatedly shared with way too many others that he is literally petrified of getting married. According to Reggie, Milana is a "hot" piece of (well, you can insert the appropriate adjective here) and that's good enough for now. Poor Milana. I am presuming that she is willing to put up with anything as opposed (in her mind) to having nothing. She says she is in "no hurry" to get married, yet she will do and be wherever Reggie or his extended family are at in any given moment. She also will do and be whatever Reggie wants her to do or be at any given moment. This would include things like organizing a garage sale for his brother's wife while also "donating" items to be sold and babysitting their kids during sale days. My prediction is that Reggie will eventually one day get married (when he's old and his fiance is about 15-20 years younger than himself), but not to Milana. She won't be so "hot" by then.
Milana's primary problem is that she can't see Reggie and who he authentically is through a lens of reality. She hasn't been paying attention since the day they met. When Reggie was caught cheating on Milana, she was quick to forgive him...over and over again. When Milana found out Reggie didn't graduate from college even though he says he did, she forgave him once again. When Reggie involved her in several "get rich quick" schemes and she lost her savings, guess who said "That's o.k. honey---I forgive you!" As a matter of fact, Milana has forgiven Reggie so many times about so many things---I can't help but wonder why she didn't become a nun instead of Reggie's girlfriend!
Not paying attention to the details of what goes on in your life and relationships is akin to driving blind. Why does this happen? For one thing, children as they grow up are often conditioned to "not think, not feel, and not speak" about a whole lot of stuff that goes on or went on in their households. This is especially true of adult children of alcoholics, drug addicts, violent abusers, and sexual predators (just to name a handful). After all, what does a child do with TMI (too much information) about parents who are alternately abusive and neglectful--not to mention siblings who may also be alternately abusive and neglectful? Ride out the nightmare for the next xx years until they can escape at age 18 or as soon as possible after that? Yes, that is exactly what many of them do. The only problem is getting "out" of the household of origin isn't the full solution to the problems of the past. This is true especially when the extent of "paying attention" began and ended with the "goal" of moving out of one's parents' house one day...
I started out this post referring to Milana and Reggie in the present tense. Thankfully, that's not the case any longer. Reggie dumped Milana about two months ago for a "hotter" young thang anyway which led to her finding and then contacting me. She's a fortunate young lady. It could have turned out a whole lot worse for Milana. She'll get that eventually....but we've got our own work to do in the meantime.
*Pseudonyms; if there is a "real" Milana and Reggie out there with this history...I'm psychic!
Take Milana* for example. She "loves" and "adores" her boyfriend Reggie*. She wants to marry Reggie. Her Pinterest boards look like mini shrines erected in the name of the almighty "W" word (that would be wedding!). She has pins of the engagement ring she most likes, the wedding dress, the table decorations, lighting, bachelorette party outfit...need I go on? Of course it would be nice if Milana and Reggie had even one conversation about getting engaged or married sometime in the future, but they haven't. As a matter of fact, Reggie has repeatedly shared with way too many others that he is literally petrified of getting married. According to Reggie, Milana is a "hot" piece of (well, you can insert the appropriate adjective here) and that's good enough for now. Poor Milana. I am presuming that she is willing to put up with anything as opposed (in her mind) to having nothing. She says she is in "no hurry" to get married, yet she will do and be wherever Reggie or his extended family are at in any given moment. She also will do and be whatever Reggie wants her to do or be at any given moment. This would include things like organizing a garage sale for his brother's wife while also "donating" items to be sold and babysitting their kids during sale days. My prediction is that Reggie will eventually one day get married (when he's old and his fiance is about 15-20 years younger than himself), but not to Milana. She won't be so "hot" by then.
Milana's primary problem is that she can't see Reggie and who he authentically is through a lens of reality. She hasn't been paying attention since the day they met. When Reggie was caught cheating on Milana, she was quick to forgive him...over and over again. When Milana found out Reggie didn't graduate from college even though he says he did, she forgave him once again. When Reggie involved her in several "get rich quick" schemes and she lost her savings, guess who said "That's o.k. honey---I forgive you!" As a matter of fact, Milana has forgiven Reggie so many times about so many things---I can't help but wonder why she didn't become a nun instead of Reggie's girlfriend!
Not paying attention to the details of what goes on in your life and relationships is akin to driving blind. Why does this happen? For one thing, children as they grow up are often conditioned to "not think, not feel, and not speak" about a whole lot of stuff that goes on or went on in their households. This is especially true of adult children of alcoholics, drug addicts, violent abusers, and sexual predators (just to name a handful). After all, what does a child do with TMI (too much information) about parents who are alternately abusive and neglectful--not to mention siblings who may also be alternately abusive and neglectful? Ride out the nightmare for the next xx years until they can escape at age 18 or as soon as possible after that? Yes, that is exactly what many of them do. The only problem is getting "out" of the household of origin isn't the full solution to the problems of the past. This is true especially when the extent of "paying attention" began and ended with the "goal" of moving out of one's parents' house one day...
I started out this post referring to Milana and Reggie in the present tense. Thankfully, that's not the case any longer. Reggie dumped Milana about two months ago for a "hotter" young thang anyway which led to her finding and then contacting me. She's a fortunate young lady. It could have turned out a whole lot worse for Milana. She'll get that eventually....but we've got our own work to do in the meantime.
*Pseudonyms; if there is a "real" Milana and Reggie out there with this history...I'm psychic!