Probably the busiest time of year in any psychotherapy practice is that time both before and after the holidays. As I have been asked so many times about the reason(s) why this is so, it seems that my response hasn't changed much over the past decade. People seek help when they can no longer take feeling "lost" and/or "stuck" anymore. It is pretty much that simple. What isn't so simple to explain are the reason(s) behind what causes a person to feel lost and/or stuck in the first place.
William Shakespere said it best when back in his day he penned the now-infamous quotation, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." Yet I have spent entire sessions with individuals and couples to assist them in "getting" what Shakespere meant by this simply-stated sentence. Now it's your turn....
Everyone in every relationship is going to have expectations about their relationship with the other person. I don't care if we are talking about two friends in a relationship with each other, a parent and child, a couple in "love", an employer and an employee....it's all the same. EVERYONE in EVERY relationship is going to have expectations about "how" the relationship they are in is "going to be" or "should be" or "needs to be". It doesn't matter if these expectations are spoken or unspoken; they will always be present. That's our human nature. If it wasn't the case, we would be open and willing to be in a "relationship" with anybody at any time and at any place. But we aren't that way generally speaking now are we? Do I have to get graphic about this? Do you think that back in the 1950s a southern man wearing a white sheet on Tuesday nights to attend private meetings with other men wearing white sheets would be open and willing to enter into a friendship relationship with his town's African-American pastor? Do you think that in 2013 a fitness-obsessed and twenty-something metrosexual male would recruit a sixty year-old fat and flabby alcoholic as his new best friend? Uh, that would be a no. This is what I'm talking about: expectations! We all have them. Whether we talk about them out loud to one another or not.
Fast forward to YOUR own primarily "love" relationship. Everyone has expectations. Check. Now what happens when your boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband does or says something that REALLY disappoints you? Do you say to yourself (or to them!) "Hey, no problem honey. I accept the fact that you just pooped in the middle of the floor and walked away happy and proud!" Of course not! If you could do that, we'd all start calling you Mr. Zen Master o.k? On the other hand, what do you do when someone you love and believe you understand so deeply (and vice versa!) pulls a major faux pas and they don't even realize it?! Do you confront them appropriately and hope to resolve the issue at hand? "Gee honey, I feel disgusted because you just pooped on the floor here and walked away. Can you please clean it up and not do that anymore?" Uh, generally speaking...that would be another no. We typically have trouble speaking the truth to each other in a gracious way the "first time" something offensive occurs between ourselves and our significant other. After all, if you confront your partner about their poop on the floor, what will YOU say or do if they confront you about your inability to come home within an hour after work ends each day? See what I mean? We all have expectations...and when we are DISAPPOINTED because they are not being met...we can find ourselves getting a bit (or a lot!) ANGRY over time as more and more disappointments pile up without being solved, resolved, or dissolved.
So, to recap: we have expectations...the other person may not know what they are...we may not know what they are either...but we all sure know when they are not MET and cause us to feel disappointed. Without solving, resolving, or dissolving the issue that caused that disappointment (and associated expectation!)...we will experience more disappointments as more of our own expectations are NOT met (or we are told about how the other's expectations of US are not being met!). And when disappointments pile up...we become angry.
After anger, we no longer focus on the offenses committed against us as being the problem...we begin to see the PERSON committing the offenses as the problem. This is when RESENTMENT comes to roost and lives in the middle of a couple's relationship. "Why do you poop on our floor all the time? I have told you 1,000 times please don't poop on our floor! Why can't you get it about no more pooping on the floor? Do I make you poop on the floor for some reason? What's your problem?! Are you doing this just to make me crazy? What have I done to you to deserve this? If you don't get it together, I'm leaving you! I've had it!"
See what I mean? Resentment. It's not a pretty third party in the midst of any couple's relationship that's for sure! Once resentments start to pile up because now there are a NUMBER of expectations that are not being met by your partner (or vice versa!)...the next stop is BITTERNESS. Once a person becomes bitter towards their partner, most couples end up going their separate ways through divorce, infidelity,...and in some extreme cases, death.
The good news is that bitterness towards your partner does not mark the end of the road, but can signal the need for a new beginning. Instead of feeling extremely lost, stuck, or both...we can learn how to untangle all the bitterness that has wrapped itself around our lives as a couple. When that happens, we realize that truly, "Expectation is at the root of all heartache."
Until the next time...Happy New Year!
January 2013
William Shakespere said it best when back in his day he penned the now-infamous quotation, "Expectation is the root of all heartache." Yet I have spent entire sessions with individuals and couples to assist them in "getting" what Shakespere meant by this simply-stated sentence. Now it's your turn....
Everyone in every relationship is going to have expectations about their relationship with the other person. I don't care if we are talking about two friends in a relationship with each other, a parent and child, a couple in "love", an employer and an employee....it's all the same. EVERYONE in EVERY relationship is going to have expectations about "how" the relationship they are in is "going to be" or "should be" or "needs to be". It doesn't matter if these expectations are spoken or unspoken; they will always be present. That's our human nature. If it wasn't the case, we would be open and willing to be in a "relationship" with anybody at any time and at any place. But we aren't that way generally speaking now are we? Do I have to get graphic about this? Do you think that back in the 1950s a southern man wearing a white sheet on Tuesday nights to attend private meetings with other men wearing white sheets would be open and willing to enter into a friendship relationship with his town's African-American pastor? Do you think that in 2013 a fitness-obsessed and twenty-something metrosexual male would recruit a sixty year-old fat and flabby alcoholic as his new best friend? Uh, that would be a no. This is what I'm talking about: expectations! We all have them. Whether we talk about them out loud to one another or not.
Fast forward to YOUR own primarily "love" relationship. Everyone has expectations. Check. Now what happens when your boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband does or says something that REALLY disappoints you? Do you say to yourself (or to them!) "Hey, no problem honey. I accept the fact that you just pooped in the middle of the floor and walked away happy and proud!" Of course not! If you could do that, we'd all start calling you Mr. Zen Master o.k? On the other hand, what do you do when someone you love and believe you understand so deeply (and vice versa!) pulls a major faux pas and they don't even realize it?! Do you confront them appropriately and hope to resolve the issue at hand? "Gee honey, I feel disgusted because you just pooped on the floor here and walked away. Can you please clean it up and not do that anymore?" Uh, generally speaking...that would be another no. We typically have trouble speaking the truth to each other in a gracious way the "first time" something offensive occurs between ourselves and our significant other. After all, if you confront your partner about their poop on the floor, what will YOU say or do if they confront you about your inability to come home within an hour after work ends each day? See what I mean? We all have expectations...and when we are DISAPPOINTED because they are not being met...we can find ourselves getting a bit (or a lot!) ANGRY over time as more and more disappointments pile up without being solved, resolved, or dissolved.
So, to recap: we have expectations...the other person may not know what they are...we may not know what they are either...but we all sure know when they are not MET and cause us to feel disappointed. Without solving, resolving, or dissolving the issue that caused that disappointment (and associated expectation!)...we will experience more disappointments as more of our own expectations are NOT met (or we are told about how the other's expectations of US are not being met!). And when disappointments pile up...we become angry.
After anger, we no longer focus on the offenses committed against us as being the problem...we begin to see the PERSON committing the offenses as the problem. This is when RESENTMENT comes to roost and lives in the middle of a couple's relationship. "Why do you poop on our floor all the time? I have told you 1,000 times please don't poop on our floor! Why can't you get it about no more pooping on the floor? Do I make you poop on the floor for some reason? What's your problem?! Are you doing this just to make me crazy? What have I done to you to deserve this? If you don't get it together, I'm leaving you! I've had it!"
See what I mean? Resentment. It's not a pretty third party in the midst of any couple's relationship that's for sure! Once resentments start to pile up because now there are a NUMBER of expectations that are not being met by your partner (or vice versa!)...the next stop is BITTERNESS. Once a person becomes bitter towards their partner, most couples end up going their separate ways through divorce, infidelity,...and in some extreme cases, death.
The good news is that bitterness towards your partner does not mark the end of the road, but can signal the need for a new beginning. Instead of feeling extremely lost, stuck, or both...we can learn how to untangle all the bitterness that has wrapped itself around our lives as a couple. When that happens, we realize that truly, "Expectation is at the root of all heartache."
Until the next time...Happy New Year!
January 2013