Thursday, February 28, 2013

"What the hell is wrong with Jodi Arias?"

I have been asked this question more than a few times this past week, so I'm here to respond.  If you haven't been following the trial on True TV, Jodi Arias stands accused of murdering her ex-boyfriend Travis Alexander five years ago.  This is a death penalty case as Arias may die if she is convicted of first degree or felony murder.  She has been on the witness stand for nearly two weeks giving direct testimony to both her own attorney and, currently, the prosecuting attorney in this court case.  I have to admit that I have been following the case quite closely.  As I have watched her on the witness stand, I feel a mix of pity and disgust over the obvious mix of malignancy that has been allowed to develop and remain untreated within the mind of Jodi Arias over the course of her young life.

Before I go on, I must say that the three things death row inmates have most in common are the following:  a history of abuse, untreated ADHD, and brain damage (which could occur in any one of a number of ways including infection and/or accidental injury).  I believe Jodi is no different.  In describing her history of childhood abuse, she mentioned being thrown against a door as a teenager by her father and being "knocked out cold" as a result.  Whether she is lying about this incident or not is immaterial.  I already know that I didn't have to see the robber in action myself in order to know when my house has been burglarized. 

A history of abuse does not always necessarily mean one that began in infancy or early childhood.  Abuse can occur at any age and through any number of ways.  Sexual and physical abuse capture our attention most often;  however, abuse also includes verbal and psychological abuse which is just as damaging.  In reality, many abuse survivors say that they'd rather be beaten than verbally and psychologically abused.  I remember one of the inmates at the prison where I trained telling me this:  "A black eye lasts for about a week, but being told I was stupid lasts forever."  Given all that has been revealed about Jodi's primary "love" relationships over the course of her life, it is clear to me that abuse was allowed to remain a major theme between herself and her chosen significant other(s).

And now, about ADHD.   There are two different ways in which ADHD can predominate in a child's life.  One way is referred to as the "Predominantly Inattentive Type" (which means your child tends to daydream, is disorganized, has a selective memory, forgets to do things, procrastinates, and/or appears to obsess only on those things he or she "likes" to do).  This is different from the "Predominantly Hyperactive Type".  With the PHT, your child appears to be driven like a motor that can't be shut off.  Restless, fidgety, unable to sit still, impulsive...these are just some ways in which the PHT differs from the PIT.  If you have listened to Jodi on the stand as I have, you would also recognize how she fits the profile of the predominantly inattentive type of ADHDer.  I might add that alcohol and/or drug use as a child gets older (teenage years) can cause one's undiagnosed and untreated ADHD to appear like the predominantly hyperactive type and/or bipolar mania.  Just a note to self there.

Beyond these three "things" I have just discussed, there is the whole issue of Jodi's personality and what "it" is.  Without a doubt, Jodi has what I am now referring to as the "Shameless" form of personality disorder otherwise known as BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).  She also has major  elements of the other Cluster B personality disorders present (Histrionic, Narcissistic, and Anti-Social).  These are the folks that are described in mental health literature as the "dramatic and erratic" type personality.  In Jodi's case, that's the understatement of the universe.  If I had to briefly describe what the Cluster B folks are like I would say this:  "It's all about me, don't you forget it's all about me, so give me what I want when I want it and we'll be fine."  The end.  That's what Jodi Arias' personality is all about....shamelessly Cluster B in a nutshell.

(No pun intended there, by the way!)

What may be throwing observers of her trial off is the fact that Jodi appears to be a more "quiet" and "introverted" person on the witness stand.  She also presents like the librarian from hell, but that's another issue.  Remember, in murder trials, the defendant is usually groomed to be as "dowdy" as possible (as a woman) or as "clean cut" as possible (as a man).  That's a fact.  When you see the photos and past interviews with Jodi going back to 2008, she looks like a completely different person (and much more attractive).  There's a strategy associated with that.  All she would need now to go back to that "look" of five years ago is a bottle of peroxide and some makeup (and to put her contacts back in!).

On the stand, Jodi is also relying on some pretty interesting tactics to avoid "whatever" (in her own mind).  I would like to get a copy of testimony to show to others what "malingering" looks like live and in person.  Malingering is what people do in order to avoid taking responsibility for things they have said or done.  Combined with her passive-aggressiveness, she's pulling out every stop in her attempt to confuse, divert, and distract the prosecuting attorney from "calling her out" on anything which reveal the true motive(s) behind any of her past behaviors.  Thankfully, Juan Martinez (this attorney) is no dummy and is able to go toe to toe with Jodi in spite of her best efforts to mess with him.

I don't know what will happen to Jodi Arias if she is convicted.  Even watching on television, you can see that there isn't much behind her eyes.  She's already dead in my estimation.  And for all those others who contributed to her death as she was growing up, talk about shameless!  Where's the criminal justice system in dealing with any of them?  I'm just askin....



   

 

Friday, February 22, 2013

Shameless....

Healthy shame versus toxic shame.  Is there a difference?  I happen to think so.  Healthy shame has to do with recognizing the "wrong" you have done and being "ashamed" about it.  In this way, healthy shame serves as a foundation for humility.  You know what you did, admit to those who have been adversely impacted how it was wrong of you to do what you did, ask their forgiveness, and THEN do whatever is asked of you/is necessary to repair the collateral damage that occurred as a result of your poor choice(s).  That's how healthy shame works to lead to the 3R's:  Recognition-Repentence-Restoration.

Toxic shame, however, is another story.  Toxic shame has nothing to do with anything you "did" or "didn't do" that was or is wrong.  Instead, toxic shame is about you being "ashamed" for----for just being you!  Instead of focusing in one the mistakes you have made as healthy shame does, toxic shame focuses in on YOU as the mistake.  And when you are the mistake, how can you do anything to solve, resolve, or dissolve this "problem"?  When toxic shame is your constant companion, there is no solving, resolving, or dissolving.  All toxic shame leads to is toxic everything else.  Toxic thinking, feelings, and behaviors...and toxic relationships.

Ironically, the series "Shameless" currently running on the Showtime (cable) television network is a prime example of toxic shame in action among multiple family systems.  Kind of like one long and extended Jerry Springer show.  This is because our natural "bent" when we adopt a toxic shame-based identity is to behave (quite often) in a shameless manner!  Go figure!  But it's the truth.  Just think about it.  Who takes any time to ponder what's right versus wrong to do when "it" (your choice) feels so good right now?  Then if you have a whole history of "But it felt good so I did it!" moments and choices....you can start to see how a toxic shame-based identity isn't so difficult to develop after a while.

Unfortunately, many of us choose to cope with this oxymoronic reality by functioning as part-time virtuosos.  And I don't mean the musical kind when I say that.  I mean functioning as part-time virtuous people (often between 9:00AM and 5:00PM M-F) while at work....or in school...at our place of worship...or wherever else we "do good" and on purpose.  Yet when it's time to party (or cheat, lie, and/or steal from someone), there we are ALSO ready to rock and roll.  I remember when one man I know was very proud to tell me about all the times he purchased something "fabulous!" for a party or event, wore it that night, and then returned it the next day for a full refund.  Sometimes he didn't even go back to the store where he purchased the item---he went back to a different store that carried the item but would refund him the higher price they sold the item for.  This is the same guy who faithfully attends church every Sunday but happens to be toying with the idea of an affair with his work colleague AND ran through his adult son's inheritance just because he could.  Go figure.

Overcoming toxic shame begins by connecting the dots to see how it forms or was formed in you in the first place.  When I was a kid, my mother encouraged me to go to the Brach's candy display and just "take" whatever I wanted ("...but make sure nobody is looking!")  Back then as a six year old, I had no idea what she meant by the nobody looking part---but I sure knew where the candy display was and how to take whatever I wanted from it at our local grocery store!  It wasn't until I was up at the register with her one night and showed her one of my sugary booty that she yelled out "WHAT IS THIS?  YOU CAN'T STEAL FROM THE STORE!" louder than my keyboard here allows me to print those words.  Even though I was only six at that time, I never forgot this particular incident.  Why?  Because it taught me that something was way wrong with "me" that I didn't understand and couldn't fix quickly.  And the rest was history (until thankfully I woke up to myself!).

If you had Tony Soprano or Medea as parents....if you hung out with a "bad" best friend growing up...if your ex "whatever" influenced you in ways you have always regretted---don't worry!  Looking back isn't going to kill you.  It's going to teach a whole lot of valuable lessons if you allow it to.  Hopefully lessons that will cause you to transition away from authentically viewing yourself as "beyond hope" and carrying on your shoulders the boulder of a toxic shame-based identity.

Moving away from shameless and towards humility and restoration is never a bad idea.  If you need help doing it, that's what I'm here for.  So call me.