Healthy shame versus toxic shame. Is there a difference? I happen to think so. Healthy shame has to do with recognizing the "wrong" you have done and being "ashamed" about it. In this way, healthy shame serves as a foundation for humility. You know what you did, admit to those who have been adversely impacted how it was wrong of you to do what you did, ask their forgiveness, and THEN do whatever is asked of you/is necessary to repair the collateral damage that occurred as a result of your poor choice(s). That's how healthy shame works to lead to the 3R's: Recognition-Repentence-Restoration.
Toxic shame, however, is another story. Toxic shame has nothing to do with anything you "did" or "didn't do" that was or is wrong. Instead, toxic shame is about you being "ashamed" for----for just being you! Instead of focusing in one the mistakes you have made as healthy shame does, toxic shame focuses in on YOU as the mistake. And when you are the mistake, how can you do anything to solve, resolve, or dissolve this "problem"? When toxic shame is your constant companion, there is no solving, resolving, or dissolving. All toxic shame leads to is toxic everything else. Toxic thinking, feelings, and behaviors...and toxic relationships.
Ironically, the series "Shameless" currently running on the Showtime (cable) television network is a prime example of toxic shame in action among multiple family systems. Kind of like one long and extended Jerry Springer show. This is because our natural "bent" when we adopt a toxic shame-based identity is to behave (quite often) in a shameless manner! Go figure! But it's the truth. Just think about it. Who takes any time to ponder what's right versus wrong to do when "it" (your choice) feels so good right now? Then if you have a whole history of "But it felt good so I did it!" moments and choices....you can start to see how a toxic shame-based identity isn't so difficult to develop after a while.
Unfortunately, many of us choose to cope with this oxymoronic reality by functioning as part-time virtuosos. And I don't mean the musical kind when I say that. I mean functioning as part-time virtuous people (often between 9:00AM and 5:00PM M-F) while at work....or in school...at our place of worship...or wherever else we "do good" and on purpose. Yet when it's time to party (or cheat, lie, and/or steal from someone), there we are ALSO ready to rock and roll. I remember when one man I know was very proud to tell me about all the times he purchased something "fabulous!" for a party or event, wore it that night, and then returned it the next day for a full refund. Sometimes he didn't even go back to the store where he purchased the item---he went back to a different store that carried the item but would refund him the higher price they sold the item for. This is the same guy who faithfully attends church every Sunday but happens to be toying with the idea of an affair with his work colleague AND ran through his adult son's inheritance just because he could. Go figure.
Overcoming toxic shame begins by connecting the dots to see how it forms or was formed in you in the first place. When I was a kid, my mother encouraged me to go to the Brach's candy display and just "take" whatever I wanted ("...but make sure nobody is looking!") Back then as a six year old, I had no idea what she meant by the nobody looking part---but I sure knew where the candy display was and how to take whatever I wanted from it at our local grocery store! It wasn't until I was up at the register with her one night and showed her one of my sugary booty that she yelled out "WHAT IS THIS? YOU CAN'T STEAL FROM THE STORE!" louder than my keyboard here allows me to print those words. Even though I was only six at that time, I never forgot this particular incident. Why? Because it taught me that something was way wrong with "me" that I didn't understand and couldn't fix quickly. And the rest was history (until thankfully I woke up to myself!).
If you had Tony Soprano or Medea as parents....if you hung out with a "bad" best friend growing up...if your ex "whatever" influenced you in ways you have always regretted---don't worry! Looking back isn't going to kill you. It's going to teach a whole lot of valuable lessons if you allow it to. Hopefully lessons that will cause you to transition away from authentically viewing yourself as "beyond hope" and carrying on your shoulders the boulder of a toxic shame-based identity.
Moving away from shameless and towards humility and restoration is never a bad idea. If you need help doing it, that's what I'm here for. So call me.
Toxic shame, however, is another story. Toxic shame has nothing to do with anything you "did" or "didn't do" that was or is wrong. Instead, toxic shame is about you being "ashamed" for----for just being you! Instead of focusing in one the mistakes you have made as healthy shame does, toxic shame focuses in on YOU as the mistake. And when you are the mistake, how can you do anything to solve, resolve, or dissolve this "problem"? When toxic shame is your constant companion, there is no solving, resolving, or dissolving. All toxic shame leads to is toxic everything else. Toxic thinking, feelings, and behaviors...and toxic relationships.
Ironically, the series "Shameless" currently running on the Showtime (cable) television network is a prime example of toxic shame in action among multiple family systems. Kind of like one long and extended Jerry Springer show. This is because our natural "bent" when we adopt a toxic shame-based identity is to behave (quite often) in a shameless manner! Go figure! But it's the truth. Just think about it. Who takes any time to ponder what's right versus wrong to do when "it" (your choice) feels so good right now? Then if you have a whole history of "But it felt good so I did it!" moments and choices....you can start to see how a toxic shame-based identity isn't so difficult to develop after a while.
Unfortunately, many of us choose to cope with this oxymoronic reality by functioning as part-time virtuosos. And I don't mean the musical kind when I say that. I mean functioning as part-time virtuous people (often between 9:00AM and 5:00PM M-F) while at work....or in school...at our place of worship...or wherever else we "do good" and on purpose. Yet when it's time to party (or cheat, lie, and/or steal from someone), there we are ALSO ready to rock and roll. I remember when one man I know was very proud to tell me about all the times he purchased something "fabulous!" for a party or event, wore it that night, and then returned it the next day for a full refund. Sometimes he didn't even go back to the store where he purchased the item---he went back to a different store that carried the item but would refund him the higher price they sold the item for. This is the same guy who faithfully attends church every Sunday but happens to be toying with the idea of an affair with his work colleague AND ran through his adult son's inheritance just because he could. Go figure.
Overcoming toxic shame begins by connecting the dots to see how it forms or was formed in you in the first place. When I was a kid, my mother encouraged me to go to the Brach's candy display and just "take" whatever I wanted ("...but make sure nobody is looking!") Back then as a six year old, I had no idea what she meant by the nobody looking part---but I sure knew where the candy display was and how to take whatever I wanted from it at our local grocery store! It wasn't until I was up at the register with her one night and showed her one of my sugary booty that she yelled out "WHAT IS THIS? YOU CAN'T STEAL FROM THE STORE!" louder than my keyboard here allows me to print those words. Even though I was only six at that time, I never forgot this particular incident. Why? Because it taught me that something was way wrong with "me" that I didn't understand and couldn't fix quickly. And the rest was history (until thankfully I woke up to myself!).
If you had Tony Soprano or Medea as parents....if you hung out with a "bad" best friend growing up...if your ex "whatever" influenced you in ways you have always regretted---don't worry! Looking back isn't going to kill you. It's going to teach a whole lot of valuable lessons if you allow it to. Hopefully lessons that will cause you to transition away from authentically viewing yourself as "beyond hope" and carrying on your shoulders the boulder of a toxic shame-based identity.
Moving away from shameless and towards humility and restoration is never a bad idea. If you need help doing it, that's what I'm here for. So call me.