This post is a long time coming. Actually, I feel like I need to write a book about this topic: The Ugly Truths People Won't Face About Family Money Drama....
How you view the role and function of money in your life doesn't just drop out of the sky one day and land in your lap. You first learn about the role and function of money from your family of origin. Just like a baby's first developmental milestone is learning basic "trust" vs. "mistrust" by their twelfth month of life---there is a first developmental milestone associated with "Everything I Needed To Learn About Money, But Never Asked". Allow yourself to think about that for a moment. What are your earliest memories about money? How did having money (or not having money) affect you and your family as you were growing up? Were there many fights about money in your household? Who typically started those fights and why? What happened when money was available? How was it generally handled? Were there any family members who had "obvious" money-related problems (didn't earn it, didn't earn enough of it, blew it on (insert vice here), etc. etc.) and what were they specifically? Were the money-related problems present within your family ever solved, resolved, or dissolved in an appropriate manner? Did anything obviously adverse happen that was rooted in one or more family member's "greed"/idolization of money (insurance scams, shoplifting, embezzlement, stealing inheritances, bankruptcy, foreclosure, gambling debts, etc.)?
Now don't blow your stacks because I mentioned foreclosure and bankruptcy here. I've heard every reason in the book as to "why" and "how" this happens. I know how it happens and so do you. Not enough "money" coming in in relation to how much "money" going out. It's not that complicated. I don't care if Aunt Sally had to have emergency surgery on her neck and you were the only relative in life who had to get a second mortage on your home to finance it. These truly "hard luck" stories are miniscule in comparison to all the others which basically spell out the following: Champagne taste plus beer budget equals no good end result!
The evidences surrounding your own life's experiences with money goes back to what you learned (or didn't learn) as the First Noble Truth About Money. If, for example, your father was a con artist scammer willing to throw anyone under the bus in order to finance his own needs and desires first---then guess what? You will have learned not much that is "good" about money and how to use it! Think "Shameless" here for those of you who watch this series currently on HBO. Ya think that daddy in this series cares about much else besides where his next bunch of $$ is coming from to support his alcohol habit? If he could trade in his two-year old to avoid getting beat down for a debt he owed, then clearly there's a major "Me First!" attitude going on here. In this case, you may be someone who learned early on in your life that "Me having the money I want and need matters more than you and your needs do." Not a good lesson for any child to be forced to face when he or she is still a child!
Then we wonder why fathers can steal their adult childrens' inheritances without batting an eyeball; why adult children rob their parents and remaining siblings blind to support their own alcohol and drug habit, etc. Shouldn't be any surprise when everyone was taught early on that money IS the master of the household along with he or she who controls it. I have seen ex-spouses fight literally to the death (of one of them) over who should or should not get whatever money as part of a divorce settlement. It is sick. It is ridiculous. And yet, it is reality. Money is indeed the root of all evil, but somehow we just keep forgetting about that.
Money has never been designed to function as an idol in our lives. It is merely a means to an end. Once EARNED, it can be used to provide food, shelter, clothing, and the rest of life's true necessities. When we choose to make a lifestyle out of stealing it, hoarding it, blowing it, or otherwise abusing its originally intended purpose(s)....all roads lead to Hell. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect $200. (No pun intended there, it just popped out!) The love of money and lust for it has ruined many lives going back thousands of years. Don't let your own life be one of them.
I'm not a money manager or financial planner by any means, but I have seen first hand what screwed-up ideas, beliefs, and thinking about money leads to amongst couples and families. It never works when we harbor an attitude of "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too", or conversely, "What's yours, mine, and ours is theirs...always" (for all you codependents out there).
Family money drama can be passed down from generation to generation like alcoholism or cancer. If this is a problem you have or are now struggling with, get some help. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
How you view the role and function of money in your life doesn't just drop out of the sky one day and land in your lap. You first learn about the role and function of money from your family of origin. Just like a baby's first developmental milestone is learning basic "trust" vs. "mistrust" by their twelfth month of life---there is a first developmental milestone associated with "Everything I Needed To Learn About Money, But Never Asked". Allow yourself to think about that for a moment. What are your earliest memories about money? How did having money (or not having money) affect you and your family as you were growing up? Were there many fights about money in your household? Who typically started those fights and why? What happened when money was available? How was it generally handled? Were there any family members who had "obvious" money-related problems (didn't earn it, didn't earn enough of it, blew it on (insert vice here), etc. etc.) and what were they specifically? Were the money-related problems present within your family ever solved, resolved, or dissolved in an appropriate manner? Did anything obviously adverse happen that was rooted in one or more family member's "greed"/idolization of money (insurance scams, shoplifting, embezzlement, stealing inheritances, bankruptcy, foreclosure, gambling debts, etc.)?
Now don't blow your stacks because I mentioned foreclosure and bankruptcy here. I've heard every reason in the book as to "why" and "how" this happens. I know how it happens and so do you. Not enough "money" coming in in relation to how much "money" going out. It's not that complicated. I don't care if Aunt Sally had to have emergency surgery on her neck and you were the only relative in life who had to get a second mortage on your home to finance it. These truly "hard luck" stories are miniscule in comparison to all the others which basically spell out the following: Champagne taste plus beer budget equals no good end result!
The evidences surrounding your own life's experiences with money goes back to what you learned (or didn't learn) as the First Noble Truth About Money. If, for example, your father was a con artist scammer willing to throw anyone under the bus in order to finance his own needs and desires first---then guess what? You will have learned not much that is "good" about money and how to use it! Think "Shameless" here for those of you who watch this series currently on HBO. Ya think that daddy in this series cares about much else besides where his next bunch of $$ is coming from to support his alcohol habit? If he could trade in his two-year old to avoid getting beat down for a debt he owed, then clearly there's a major "Me First!" attitude going on here. In this case, you may be someone who learned early on in your life that "Me having the money I want and need matters more than you and your needs do." Not a good lesson for any child to be forced to face when he or she is still a child!
Then we wonder why fathers can steal their adult childrens' inheritances without batting an eyeball; why adult children rob their parents and remaining siblings blind to support their own alcohol and drug habit, etc. Shouldn't be any surprise when everyone was taught early on that money IS the master of the household along with he or she who controls it. I have seen ex-spouses fight literally to the death (of one of them) over who should or should not get whatever money as part of a divorce settlement. It is sick. It is ridiculous. And yet, it is reality. Money is indeed the root of all evil, but somehow we just keep forgetting about that.
Money has never been designed to function as an idol in our lives. It is merely a means to an end. Once EARNED, it can be used to provide food, shelter, clothing, and the rest of life's true necessities. When we choose to make a lifestyle out of stealing it, hoarding it, blowing it, or otherwise abusing its originally intended purpose(s)....all roads lead to Hell. Do not pass "Go". Do not collect $200. (No pun intended there, it just popped out!) The love of money and lust for it has ruined many lives going back thousands of years. Don't let your own life be one of them.
I'm not a money manager or financial planner by any means, but I have seen first hand what screwed-up ideas, beliefs, and thinking about money leads to amongst couples and families. It never works when we harbor an attitude of "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine too", or conversely, "What's yours, mine, and ours is theirs...always" (for all you codependents out there).
Family money drama can be passed down from generation to generation like alcoholism or cancer. If this is a problem you have or are now struggling with, get some help. Nothing changes if nothing changes.