As is true in anyone's life, there are those times when we must face what we would rather not face. Today's post is about what must be faced as it relates to elderly relatives requiring 24/7 care...
"The Sandwich Generation" was a term coined many years ago to identify those adult men and women who found themselves "sandwiched" between the needs of their own minor children...and those of their aging parent(s) and/or elderly relation(s). As a clinician, I have seen many adults manage this time of their lives quite effortlessly---when there were strong supports made available to them and those supports were consistent in nature. (Inotherwords, helping "once" doesn't cut it when Aunt Trudie requires diapers 24/7..) I have also seen adults who have denied their elderly relation's need for assistance and care to the point of death. (As sad as that sounds, it happens...) Not unlike the denial that can accompany the family members of a late stage alcoholic or drug addict, sometimes the only thing that changes is the topic of concern being actively ignored by all.
I have been often asked, "When do you know it's time to step in?" when it comes to an elderly relation. At a very basic level, when your elderly relation is no longer able to "do" what is considered an "ADL" (Activity of Daily Living), an intervention is required. I had a 90 year old friend from church whose first "sign" of trouble came when she was no longer able to open things from the grocery store. It was at this point her only adult child moved in. On the other end of the spectrum, I had an 80 year old neighbor whose six adult children kept insisting he was "fine" in spite of several near-miss automobile mishaps (the 80 year old being behind the wheel of course) within a three-month period. I will add at this point that anyone can call in an anonymous "tip" to their local Dept. of Motor Vehicles if they know of someone who is elderly and appears to pose a threat to themselves or others by continuing to drive. The DMV will contact that person to come in and take a driving test as a result. This is one way to "solve" the problem of an elderly relative who keeps insisting "I can drive just fine!" when you know they can't.
Beyond observing or becoming aware of your elderly relation's ability (or inability) to perform their own ADLs (Activities of Daily Living)...it is equally important to understand what their "plan" is (if such a plan exists) relative to assisted living vs. at-home care if and when the time comes. Far FAR too many adult children and relations do not even "go there" until they are forced to. I can tell you that this is a big mistake. After a recent scenario involving an extended family member of my own, I will say that finding a good Elder Law attorney to assist you here is not only strongly suggested, but vital. Without this type of professional support, all hell can and will break loose unless your relative is fortunate enough to afford round-the-clock at home care on demand. Even with so-called system supports such as Medicare and Medicaid, no one knows how to protect themselves legally or financially without an Elder Law professional working on their behalf. Period.
As you are navigating your way through all of this on behalf of your elderly relation, keep in mind that the chances of your elderly relative being and remaining "cooperative" with you is nearly nil. Instead, what will be most common is finding that he or she will fight you, question you (over and over again in many cases!), and treat you like you are everything else BUT who you authentically are. When this happens, it is very difficult to remain composed and appropriate. This is especially true if you are offering your assistance without someone else in your corner (like a spouse, sibling(s), or trusted friend(s)) to talk to, receive feedback from, etc.
If you want to look at it this way, this time in life is that which can grow you....and transform you....into either the person you've always hoped you could be one day---or the demon you knew always lurked inside you in the first place. It's still your choice. Then again, you can always stop answering the phone whenever Aunt Trudie calls... ;-) Until next time...
"The Sandwich Generation" was a term coined many years ago to identify those adult men and women who found themselves "sandwiched" between the needs of their own minor children...and those of their aging parent(s) and/or elderly relation(s). As a clinician, I have seen many adults manage this time of their lives quite effortlessly---when there were strong supports made available to them and those supports were consistent in nature. (Inotherwords, helping "once" doesn't cut it when Aunt Trudie requires diapers 24/7..) I have also seen adults who have denied their elderly relation's need for assistance and care to the point of death. (As sad as that sounds, it happens...) Not unlike the denial that can accompany the family members of a late stage alcoholic or drug addict, sometimes the only thing that changes is the topic of concern being actively ignored by all.
I have been often asked, "When do you know it's time to step in?" when it comes to an elderly relation. At a very basic level, when your elderly relation is no longer able to "do" what is considered an "ADL" (Activity of Daily Living), an intervention is required. I had a 90 year old friend from church whose first "sign" of trouble came when she was no longer able to open things from the grocery store. It was at this point her only adult child moved in. On the other end of the spectrum, I had an 80 year old neighbor whose six adult children kept insisting he was "fine" in spite of several near-miss automobile mishaps (the 80 year old being behind the wheel of course) within a three-month period. I will add at this point that anyone can call in an anonymous "tip" to their local Dept. of Motor Vehicles if they know of someone who is elderly and appears to pose a threat to themselves or others by continuing to drive. The DMV will contact that person to come in and take a driving test as a result. This is one way to "solve" the problem of an elderly relative who keeps insisting "I can drive just fine!" when you know they can't.
Beyond observing or becoming aware of your elderly relation's ability (or inability) to perform their own ADLs (Activities of Daily Living)...it is equally important to understand what their "plan" is (if such a plan exists) relative to assisted living vs. at-home care if and when the time comes. Far FAR too many adult children and relations do not even "go there" until they are forced to. I can tell you that this is a big mistake. After a recent scenario involving an extended family member of my own, I will say that finding a good Elder Law attorney to assist you here is not only strongly suggested, but vital. Without this type of professional support, all hell can and will break loose unless your relative is fortunate enough to afford round-the-clock at home care on demand. Even with so-called system supports such as Medicare and Medicaid, no one knows how to protect themselves legally or financially without an Elder Law professional working on their behalf. Period.
As you are navigating your way through all of this on behalf of your elderly relation, keep in mind that the chances of your elderly relative being and remaining "cooperative" with you is nearly nil. Instead, what will be most common is finding that he or she will fight you, question you (over and over again in many cases!), and treat you like you are everything else BUT who you authentically are. When this happens, it is very difficult to remain composed and appropriate. This is especially true if you are offering your assistance without someone else in your corner (like a spouse, sibling(s), or trusted friend(s)) to talk to, receive feedback from, etc.
If you want to look at it this way, this time in life is that which can grow you....and transform you....into either the person you've always hoped you could be one day---or the demon you knew always lurked inside you in the first place. It's still your choice. Then again, you can always stop answering the phone whenever Aunt Trudie calls... ;-) Until next time...