Today was one of those days. I went into work and everything started out just fine. Then my phone rang. A stranger was on the other end of the line who had been referred to me by her church. I asked what she wanted help about, and she started talking about a variety of difficult circumstances she had been through in recent months. Lost her job....had to move out of her place...complicated childhood background....etc. I responded by saying I believed I would be able to help her. I added that many times the stresses of what we experience now, in the present, can trigger uncomfortable feelings connected to our past and its own unresolved griefs and traumas. We chatted for a few more minutes and then, as the old saying goes, the worm did indeed turn. By the time I hung up, I felt like the smack down HAD been put on me! What the heck?! That's not how unsolicited phone calls to my office for potential appointments with me are supposed to go! But this one did anyway. And today I am going to tell you why...
There is no sadder and more frustrating scenario in psychotherapy than working with clients who are and then remain "highly resistant". These are the clients who have some issue (or perhaps more!)...but deep down in their heart of hearts, they are more afraid of "healing" than of remaining "as is". Yet, how they "is" currently has caused them tremendous pain and turmoil leading them to struggle with no end in sight. Instead of embracing the healing, positive change, and personal growth process...these individuals will (consciously or subconsciously) treat it all like an impending plague. It's a surreal dynamic to witness as a psychotherapist, but it happens more often than any of us would like.
The Highly Resistants are generally people who struggle with anxiety to a much greater degree than they are able to acknowledge or imagine. Think about it. Anxiety is the fuel that feeds the beasts of mistrust, fear, and future catastrophe. Unfortunately, it is an overwhelming need to control situations, circumstances, and people that is perceived as the Highly Resistants' own secret key to feeling "better" fast and not so anxious. Uh...no. That don't work unless you want to perpetuate the madness over time. As such, even the simple act of making a phone call to someone a Highly Resistant doesn't already "know" can trigger all sorts of catastrophic thoughts before "Hellos?" are even exchanged. That's what happened today. My tipoff was when the caller at one point launched into her professional background instead of just saying, "Listen, I can't believe I am still struggling with these unresolved issues and maybe I'm not anyway so here's proof that I'm a successful person to prove I don't actually need therapy from you or anyone else unless you start responding to me like I want you to respond to me." With this particular Highly Resistant, I could have pandered to the caller's immediate need for CONTROL, validation, emotional support, empathy, blah blah blah until the caller felt "safe" enough to feel "more" comfortable speaking with me. Well....for any of you reading this who have worked with me or who know me either personally or professionally---that wasn't happening. It would have been like giving a bucket full of sugar to a raging diabetic. No way. I don't do pander. And I don't do denial either I'm just sayin... Especially over the phone. I learned that lesson ages ago. In a past life I was a Ninja Warrior anyway so get over it ;-) (JUST KIDDING don't freak!)
Listen, we all have issues. Nobody is perfect. But when you can't handle even the smallest doses of your own life's "catastrophic truths" (because truths can indeed feel and be catastrophic for those who are highly resistant!)...then it is time to practice the fine art of intentional surrender. You can't control everything, let alone your own healing process, if what you have done "so far" on your own has led to the same old same old over time. Probably the best Highly Resistant "rant" I had ever heard in psychotherapy had to do with "I don't do medication no way I don't need it it'll make me sick and who cares of my psychiatrist said I am schizoaffective I just can figure out some other way to stabilize my mood swings." Oh, you mean like using the alcohol and weed you have for the past ten years because it's working so well for you? Of course, it wasn't until this particular client was on the right medication AFTER becoming sober that the right kind of progress was able to occur. Shooting oneself in one's foot most often leads to more pain and more suffering.
Don't get me wrong. I love working with my most challenging clients and am very grateful when I see the positive changes they once never believed possible. But these Highly Resistants...they are their own worst enemy. And you know what they say about enemies? "When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you."
Have a good weekend.
There is no sadder and more frustrating scenario in psychotherapy than working with clients who are and then remain "highly resistant". These are the clients who have some issue (or perhaps more!)...but deep down in their heart of hearts, they are more afraid of "healing" than of remaining "as is". Yet, how they "is" currently has caused them tremendous pain and turmoil leading them to struggle with no end in sight. Instead of embracing the healing, positive change, and personal growth process...these individuals will (consciously or subconsciously) treat it all like an impending plague. It's a surreal dynamic to witness as a psychotherapist, but it happens more often than any of us would like.
The Highly Resistants are generally people who struggle with anxiety to a much greater degree than they are able to acknowledge or imagine. Think about it. Anxiety is the fuel that feeds the beasts of mistrust, fear, and future catastrophe. Unfortunately, it is an overwhelming need to control situations, circumstances, and people that is perceived as the Highly Resistants' own secret key to feeling "better" fast and not so anxious. Uh...no. That don't work unless you want to perpetuate the madness over time. As such, even the simple act of making a phone call to someone a Highly Resistant doesn't already "know" can trigger all sorts of catastrophic thoughts before "Hellos?" are even exchanged. That's what happened today. My tipoff was when the caller at one point launched into her professional background instead of just saying, "Listen, I can't believe I am still struggling with these unresolved issues and maybe I'm not anyway so here's proof that I'm a successful person to prove I don't actually need therapy from you or anyone else unless you start responding to me like I want you to respond to me." With this particular Highly Resistant, I could have pandered to the caller's immediate need for CONTROL, validation, emotional support, empathy, blah blah blah until the caller felt "safe" enough to feel "more" comfortable speaking with me. Well....for any of you reading this who have worked with me or who know me either personally or professionally---that wasn't happening. It would have been like giving a bucket full of sugar to a raging diabetic. No way. I don't do pander. And I don't do denial either I'm just sayin... Especially over the phone. I learned that lesson ages ago. In a past life I was a Ninja Warrior anyway so get over it ;-) (JUST KIDDING don't freak!)
Listen, we all have issues. Nobody is perfect. But when you can't handle even the smallest doses of your own life's "catastrophic truths" (because truths can indeed feel and be catastrophic for those who are highly resistant!)...then it is time to practice the fine art of intentional surrender. You can't control everything, let alone your own healing process, if what you have done "so far" on your own has led to the same old same old over time. Probably the best Highly Resistant "rant" I had ever heard in psychotherapy had to do with "I don't do medication no way I don't need it it'll make me sick and who cares of my psychiatrist said I am schizoaffective I just can figure out some other way to stabilize my mood swings." Oh, you mean like using the alcohol and weed you have for the past ten years because it's working so well for you? Of course, it wasn't until this particular client was on the right medication AFTER becoming sober that the right kind of progress was able to occur. Shooting oneself in one's foot most often leads to more pain and more suffering.
Don't get me wrong. I love working with my most challenging clients and am very grateful when I see the positive changes they once never believed possible. But these Highly Resistants...they are their own worst enemy. And you know what they say about enemies? "When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you."
Have a good weekend.