How many times have you felt like a person you thought you knew and loved like no other ended up morphing into someone you didn't recognize at all anymore? Unfortunately, this happens a lot in many "couple" relationships. Somebody "stopped" loving the other and either said so directly, or engaged in a whole lot of ongoing dysfunction to "show" it behaviorally. In either case, someone wants "out" (or some version of it!)...while the other is left hanging on for dear life.
Back when I was a new therapist, I remember a young and very attractive career woman who was married just over a year when she first came in to see me. She was shocked more than anything else about how "lazy" her new husband had suddenly become since exchanging "I Dos'" at the alter. I remember her telling me how he eventually lost his job at a local bank and didn't even appear motivated enough to go out and find something else to do work-wise. He preferred sitting in front of their television set all day and playing video games. She mentioned that it might not be so bad if he did something else during the day besides at-home gaming. They had lived in an apartment and according to my client, he never even got the mail, cleaned up after himself, or took out the garbage. She was, in a word, devastated by a tremendous sense of betrayal. I invited her to bring him to a session; he declined. I invited her to bring him again after a few more individual sessions; he declined. After several months, I asked her how she thought he would change as a result of her and I seeing one another in therapy as we had been. Her answer I will never forget as it still continues to amaze me. Looking at me without blinking, she said "He says it relaxes him to have me off his back for a couple hours while I'm here talking to you." Talk about an OMG moment. Tragically, I don't know what happened all these years later to that couple; however, if they remain married...my hope and prayer is that they had no children to bring into that disasterous marital dynamic.
Then there was the couple who was engaged for several months, but were holding off on actually getting married because....."because of his kids who are all spoiled brats!" O.K. Note to reader: If you are dating or engaged to ANYONE who refers to your kids as "spoiled brats" and you are still with him or her---you do have a problem. It may be true that your kids are spoiled brats and you may even know this yourself, but that is not a way to "resolve" that particular issue. Do not hook yourself up with someone who thinks they have the power to control you or your kids into better behavior. That never works. And then you wonder why the love gets lost on your part (or theirs!) after the XX nth attempt to "make" you or your kids behave in a way that is acceptable to your partner? Spare me!
Expectations that are literally or figuratively unrealistic lie at the heart of how love can get lost sooner than later in any close relationship. If I "expect" you to go to work every day at 8:00AM and return at 6:00PM and put in an honest day's labor without getting a bad attitude about it...how does that jive with your work history being spotty at best since you turned 18 years old? It doesn't! Inotherwords, pay attention to the evidences that demand a verdict! You can't transform a lazy a** into a productive one just because you want it or ask for it! DOH! Reality doesn't work like that. As Popeye the Sailor Man infamously said, "I yam Who I yam!" People don't change unless they are forced to...and that's usually courtesy of the state. If they "do" choose to change, it's IMHO a God thing for which they should be eternally grateful for.
Oh...and I must include for the purpose of example here the couple who have been together for 5, 10, or however many "more" years---but of course one of them "isn't ready yet" for marriage. Are you kidding? Nobody sticks around for 5, 10, or even 50 years without being married UNLESS THEY WANT TO. Period. Don't make a choice one way and then beeatch about "But I wanted to be married ages ago!" out the other side of your mouth. If you want to be married and have children, clearly a person who is not married to you after a several year courtship, DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU! Them "loving" you however they do is obviously not enough for you based on what you claim to want so much---or that is so very important to you. It's not. Unless you're just delusional and don't know it yet. Take your pick.
I think the saddest times in my practice for me are when I see clients destroying themselves in the name of "love" given all the verbal, psychological, physical, and/or sexual abuse they are willing to put up with. Recreating drama and trauma for oneself isn't new and we see it all the time as psychotherapists; however, it is still extremely sad and tragic to be forced to witness when we do. Love is not meant to be tortuous, hurtful, deceitful, or self-serving. If it is, it's time to get help. You may not like what you learn or realize, but it's certainly better than living in a self-destructive limbo that never ends. Until you or your partner chooses to end it that is.
Back when I was a new therapist, I remember a young and very attractive career woman who was married just over a year when she first came in to see me. She was shocked more than anything else about how "lazy" her new husband had suddenly become since exchanging "I Dos'" at the alter. I remember her telling me how he eventually lost his job at a local bank and didn't even appear motivated enough to go out and find something else to do work-wise. He preferred sitting in front of their television set all day and playing video games. She mentioned that it might not be so bad if he did something else during the day besides at-home gaming. They had lived in an apartment and according to my client, he never even got the mail, cleaned up after himself, or took out the garbage. She was, in a word, devastated by a tremendous sense of betrayal. I invited her to bring him to a session; he declined. I invited her to bring him again after a few more individual sessions; he declined. After several months, I asked her how she thought he would change as a result of her and I seeing one another in therapy as we had been. Her answer I will never forget as it still continues to amaze me. Looking at me without blinking, she said "He says it relaxes him to have me off his back for a couple hours while I'm here talking to you." Talk about an OMG moment. Tragically, I don't know what happened all these years later to that couple; however, if they remain married...my hope and prayer is that they had no children to bring into that disasterous marital dynamic.
Then there was the couple who was engaged for several months, but were holding off on actually getting married because....."because of his kids who are all spoiled brats!" O.K. Note to reader: If you are dating or engaged to ANYONE who refers to your kids as "spoiled brats" and you are still with him or her---you do have a problem. It may be true that your kids are spoiled brats and you may even know this yourself, but that is not a way to "resolve" that particular issue. Do not hook yourself up with someone who thinks they have the power to control you or your kids into better behavior. That never works. And then you wonder why the love gets lost on your part (or theirs!) after the XX nth attempt to "make" you or your kids behave in a way that is acceptable to your partner? Spare me!
Expectations that are literally or figuratively unrealistic lie at the heart of how love can get lost sooner than later in any close relationship. If I "expect" you to go to work every day at 8:00AM and return at 6:00PM and put in an honest day's labor without getting a bad attitude about it...how does that jive with your work history being spotty at best since you turned 18 years old? It doesn't! Inotherwords, pay attention to the evidences that demand a verdict! You can't transform a lazy a** into a productive one just because you want it or ask for it! DOH! Reality doesn't work like that. As Popeye the Sailor Man infamously said, "I yam Who I yam!" People don't change unless they are forced to...and that's usually courtesy of the state. If they "do" choose to change, it's IMHO a God thing for which they should be eternally grateful for.
Oh...and I must include for the purpose of example here the couple who have been together for 5, 10, or however many "more" years---but of course one of them "isn't ready yet" for marriage. Are you kidding? Nobody sticks around for 5, 10, or even 50 years without being married UNLESS THEY WANT TO. Period. Don't make a choice one way and then beeatch about "But I wanted to be married ages ago!" out the other side of your mouth. If you want to be married and have children, clearly a person who is not married to you after a several year courtship, DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU! Them "loving" you however they do is obviously not enough for you based on what you claim to want so much---or that is so very important to you. It's not. Unless you're just delusional and don't know it yet. Take your pick.
I think the saddest times in my practice for me are when I see clients destroying themselves in the name of "love" given all the verbal, psychological, physical, and/or sexual abuse they are willing to put up with. Recreating drama and trauma for oneself isn't new and we see it all the time as psychotherapists; however, it is still extremely sad and tragic to be forced to witness when we do. Love is not meant to be tortuous, hurtful, deceitful, or self-serving. If it is, it's time to get help. You may not like what you learn or realize, but it's certainly better than living in a self-destructive limbo that never ends. Until you or your partner chooses to end it that is.