As a psychotherapist, I have seen innumerable clients who have had an extremely difficult time with both offering and receiving forgiveness. As one of the most misunderstood acts of grace and freedom associated with our human condition, I believe that the principle of forgiveness is best understood by being clear on what leads up to its need and purpose. Once we know what it is we do to keep ourselves traumatically bonded to one another, we perhaps may only then find it easier and more necessary to forgive---and to be forgiven.
Anyone in a relationship has expectations. That is a fact. Two friends---two spouses---two coworkers---two siblings---two "whatever"; we all have expectations as to "how" our relationship needs to be if, indeed, it's going to be a "good" one.
Yet, as occurs in real life and in real relationships, nobody is perfect. We all say things and do things that, in their own way, pop the bubble of expecting the best from each other. I remember the time when a friend of mine found out her boyfriend of several months was wearing a toupee instead of having a full head of hair. She broke it off with him immediately not because he was bald, but because he was deceitful about his hair-impaired status. As she said, "I of course would have been disappointed to find out the guy was bald during those first weeks we started to hang out together; it's worse now knowing he kept the secret for that long thinking it was "good" for our relationship!" And she was right. Why? Because by hiding the truth for several months as this man did, he presumed he could persuade my friend to stay with him once the truth came out. What this man didn't realize was that secret keeping was a very big deal for my friend who expected complete honesty in her important personal relationships. As it turned out, this man also had issues with substance abuse, a violent temper, and infidelity. Talk about dodging a major bullet by breaking up with him when she did. Whew!
Whenever someone does NOT meet an expectation we have of them, the obvious response in us is going to be disappointment. We don't like what happened or what was said; we are disappointed and at this point are presented with two choices: talk about it in order to resolve it...or keep our mouths shut. Which do you think is the better choice to pursue? Which choice do you think the majority of us selects? Listen, of course it is easier to just keep our mouths shut because who likes "confrontation" in any form anyway? Right now I know someone whose parent is giving away money right and left to some grifter in their area and has been doing so for years. $50,000 later he is STILL "hesitant" about talking to his mother about her behavior---let alone the grifter who is reaping the benefits of this woman's generosity. What the?!?! Yeah, I know. But in reality, people don't want to have ANY kind of "uncomfortable discussion" with anyone when it means setting some boundaries for yourself and being clear on HOW you were disappointed and why. Too bad. This is why so few disappointments ever get truly resolved. Nobody confronts their offender(s) about how they were offended in the first place and before you know it, WHOOPS! There we go again with another disappointment based on the same unrealistic or "never discussed" expectation between the two parties!
When expectations aren't shifted or adjusted, and when disappointment(s) aren't actively discussed and resolved, ANGER is what settles in next. When a person is angry at someone's disappointing behaviors, it means that the "problem" is still focused on the inappropriate behavior and not the offender as a person. Anger and angry feelings are the result of too many unresolved disappointments, regardless if those disappointments come from a single expectation not being repeatedly met---or several different expectations not being met. For example, you may feel extremely disappointed that your partner "drinks too much" when alcohol is available at events you attend together...but if he also can't keep a job for very long, is consistently late for events, treats his friends better than he treats you----can you see how "anger" would quickly replace feelings of "mere disappointment"? Too many unresolved disappointments = one angry person.
When anger stemming from one or more unresolved disappointments is not appropriately discussed and resolved, resentment is sure to follow. Resentment has been often referred to as "hardened chunks of anger", which it is. Now, the person is the problem and not just his or her inappropriate and/or offensive behaviors. "He should know by now I can't stand it when he...." "She did that on purpose because she knows how it drives me mad.." etc. etc. That's resentment. The problem with resentment is that it becomes more difficult to sit down and appropriately discuss "what's gone wrong" and how to resolve everything because the associated expectations, disappointments, and angry feelings leading to resentment can feel like one big giant ball of "rage" and "lost hope" with no resolution as being even remotely possible....
When a person moves past resentment, he or she reaches what is referred to as "the island of invulnerability"---or bitterness. Being bitter is when people start vowing to themselves things like "I'm done with ALL biotches!" or "Nobody will ever want me!" Bitterness is representative of the belief that all hope IS gone and one's heart has truly been shattered into a million unrepairable pieces. It is at this stage and phase that people find themselves as being "unforgivable" as perpetrators of pain...or unable to forgive "the unforgivable" as recipients of that same level of pain and suffering. If resentment is akin to taking poison with the hope that the other person who has hurt you will die---then bitterness is taking poison and making sure anyone around you takes a good dose as well before you're dead and gone. Bitterness is one way to transmit pain without letting it transform you into a better person over time....
Next time, we will discuss how forgiveness works in setting you free from the traumatic bonds of your own painful past and choices....
Anyone in a relationship has expectations. That is a fact. Two friends---two spouses---two coworkers---two siblings---two "whatever"; we all have expectations as to "how" our relationship needs to be if, indeed, it's going to be a "good" one.
Yet, as occurs in real life and in real relationships, nobody is perfect. We all say things and do things that, in their own way, pop the bubble of expecting the best from each other. I remember the time when a friend of mine found out her boyfriend of several months was wearing a toupee instead of having a full head of hair. She broke it off with him immediately not because he was bald, but because he was deceitful about his hair-impaired status. As she said, "I of course would have been disappointed to find out the guy was bald during those first weeks we started to hang out together; it's worse now knowing he kept the secret for that long thinking it was "good" for our relationship!" And she was right. Why? Because by hiding the truth for several months as this man did, he presumed he could persuade my friend to stay with him once the truth came out. What this man didn't realize was that secret keeping was a very big deal for my friend who expected complete honesty in her important personal relationships. As it turned out, this man also had issues with substance abuse, a violent temper, and infidelity. Talk about dodging a major bullet by breaking up with him when she did. Whew!
Whenever someone does NOT meet an expectation we have of them, the obvious response in us is going to be disappointment. We don't like what happened or what was said; we are disappointed and at this point are presented with two choices: talk about it in order to resolve it...or keep our mouths shut. Which do you think is the better choice to pursue? Which choice do you think the majority of us selects? Listen, of course it is easier to just keep our mouths shut because who likes "confrontation" in any form anyway? Right now I know someone whose parent is giving away money right and left to some grifter in their area and has been doing so for years. $50,000 later he is STILL "hesitant" about talking to his mother about her behavior---let alone the grifter who is reaping the benefits of this woman's generosity. What the?!?! Yeah, I know. But in reality, people don't want to have ANY kind of "uncomfortable discussion" with anyone when it means setting some boundaries for yourself and being clear on HOW you were disappointed and why. Too bad. This is why so few disappointments ever get truly resolved. Nobody confronts their offender(s) about how they were offended in the first place and before you know it, WHOOPS! There we go again with another disappointment based on the same unrealistic or "never discussed" expectation between the two parties!
When expectations aren't shifted or adjusted, and when disappointment(s) aren't actively discussed and resolved, ANGER is what settles in next. When a person is angry at someone's disappointing behaviors, it means that the "problem" is still focused on the inappropriate behavior and not the offender as a person. Anger and angry feelings are the result of too many unresolved disappointments, regardless if those disappointments come from a single expectation not being repeatedly met---or several different expectations not being met. For example, you may feel extremely disappointed that your partner "drinks too much" when alcohol is available at events you attend together...but if he also can't keep a job for very long, is consistently late for events, treats his friends better than he treats you----can you see how "anger" would quickly replace feelings of "mere disappointment"? Too many unresolved disappointments = one angry person.
When anger stemming from one or more unresolved disappointments is not appropriately discussed and resolved, resentment is sure to follow. Resentment has been often referred to as "hardened chunks of anger", which it is. Now, the person is the problem and not just his or her inappropriate and/or offensive behaviors. "He should know by now I can't stand it when he...." "She did that on purpose because she knows how it drives me mad.." etc. etc. That's resentment. The problem with resentment is that it becomes more difficult to sit down and appropriately discuss "what's gone wrong" and how to resolve everything because the associated expectations, disappointments, and angry feelings leading to resentment can feel like one big giant ball of "rage" and "lost hope" with no resolution as being even remotely possible....
When a person moves past resentment, he or she reaches what is referred to as "the island of invulnerability"---or bitterness. Being bitter is when people start vowing to themselves things like "I'm done with ALL biotches!" or "Nobody will ever want me!" Bitterness is representative of the belief that all hope IS gone and one's heart has truly been shattered into a million unrepairable pieces. It is at this stage and phase that people find themselves as being "unforgivable" as perpetrators of pain...or unable to forgive "the unforgivable" as recipients of that same level of pain and suffering. If resentment is akin to taking poison with the hope that the other person who has hurt you will die---then bitterness is taking poison and making sure anyone around you takes a good dose as well before you're dead and gone. Bitterness is one way to transmit pain without letting it transform you into a better person over time....
Next time, we will discuss how forgiveness works in setting you free from the traumatic bonds of your own painful past and choices....