Forgiving the unforgivable seems impossible for those who struggle with bitter feelings towards themselves...or others...for all the "wrongs" that have been committed over the course of time and space. Last time, I wrote about how a person can go from having an expectation (of oneself or of someone else)...and how that can ultimately lead to being and feeling "bitter" when what we expect doesn't happen---over and over again. Today I am going to write about why forgiveness is so important in our own ability to move past and move forward instead of staying traumatically bonded (and stuck!) in our own bitterness about...???? (About "whatever"!)
First, let's talk about the person who can't forgive himself or herself. I have met this type many times in my office. "You don't understand what' I've done in my life...", "you may think you have heard it all about what people are capable of, but you haven't heard about what I've done..", blah blah blah. Listen, I get it. People (including you, including me) are capable of doing very bad things. I see the t.v. news every evening just like you do; I've known people in my personal life who ruined their own lives and the lives of others because of their various and assorted "choices" (as an aside: one of my favorite new memes is this one: "Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make stupid choices."). I've also trained in a prison environment. What's not to understand, right? But for people who are hell-bent on "Nobody knows or understands the pain I've caused.." my two cents is this: Get over yourself. For the person who really thinks this way, you're basically telling me that you are god (small "g" for sure on that one!) and you know better than "any" god (including the "real" one!) what you should and should not be forgiven for. Really? What's the purpose of that? Are you a masochist? Are you just wanting an excuse to keep doing bad things? Are you a demon? I don't know. What I DO know is that you won't be able to step up and out of the quicksand you created for yourself if you can't forgive yourself for whatever sins of the past you are traumatically bonded to. As I have told clients before, Jeffrey Dahmer (who ate the people he tortured and killed by the way!), as a result of his own conversion experience, was able to forgive himself for his past. Grant it, he was killed in prison shortly aftwards anyway...but at least he had his own measure of peace as a result of turning his life and will over to God as he understood Him. So don't give me this "I can't forgive myself" garbage. Yes you can---because there is a God, and you are NOT Him!
I know that paragraph just read very "rough" and not exactly as grace-filled as you might have expected---but too bad. Sometimes the truth has to be presented "rough" because what you're doing to yourself to keep yourself traumatically tied up to your past is even rougher on you and those you claim to "love" in the bigger picture!
Forgiveness has always been about breaking bondages that keep you stuck in a place that has no useful purpose "now" in your present life. Remember how I've written over and over again about how the past is supposed to teach you the lessons you need to learn so you don't repeat those same mistakes "now" in your present life? Well, forgiveness allows you to do that without getting all caught up in "what happened to me then" and "how it messed me up" (meaning you...not me; I wasn't there!). Also, there are some people who are literally addicted to drama, crisis, and chaos...so they like being stuck in their own traumatic past because it gives them an excuse to remain "high drama" now. Which is no good of course, but that is what it is until they decide to get help.
I think of what I read once in a book about Death Row inmates: how they would rather die than speak of the abuse they endured by a mother or father who they wanted so badly to believe "loved" them....even as they sat on Death Row and became (in large part!) who they are because of their traumatic (and unspoken!) past. Talking about "what happened" to you in an honest manner with a trained professional (like me!) is the beginning of setting yourself free from the damage you suffered physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually speaking. But being able to ultimately forgive yourself and those who hurt you....that's a big BIG "chunk" of what it takes to move past and on with your life in a good way.
Forgiveness isn't about saying "It's o.k. what you did to me" to your past and/or present abuse perpetrators. But yet (which is so strange to me, but I've seen it!) I witness or hear about these adult children still going over to "see" and visit with their abusive parents/siblings/family members as if it is all "o.k." anyway and always was. What the..?!?! This behavior is mind boggling to me because abuse is NEVER o.k. If someone in your life is abusive "now"...why can't you open your mouth and say "This is NOT o.k.!" and set some boundaries if you insist on spending time with them? Instead, you put up with their crap---pretending it isn't crap at all---and then of course repeat the same abusive pattern in your own life without ever connecting the dots as to how you "learned" it in the first place! DOH!
Forgiveness is about YOU recognizing what happened to you (or what you did!)...repenting from it (your "I'm sorry please forgive me!" to yourself, to God as you understand Him, and to those you have injured...or between you and God as you declare "I forgive him; I forgive her")....and then turning yourself around (changing your own behavior!) so you can MOVE ON and PAST what has kept you stuck in the muck of your traumatic background for however long. Not everyone who you choose to forgive will even acknowledge what they did that was "bad" to you in the first place. This is why sometimes (many times!) practicing forgiveness is between you and God alone. I have had clients cry their eyes out over sexually abusive family members who deny deny deny and will continue to deny until their last breaths. Oh well. You still have to be able to untangle yourself from that traumatic bond and move on right? So do it.
My favorite quote on forgiveness is this one: The funny thing about forgiveness is that by letting go of something outside of ourselves, it gives us peace inside of ourselves.
First, let's talk about the person who can't forgive himself or herself. I have met this type many times in my office. "You don't understand what' I've done in my life...", "you may think you have heard it all about what people are capable of, but you haven't heard about what I've done..", blah blah blah. Listen, I get it. People (including you, including me) are capable of doing very bad things. I see the t.v. news every evening just like you do; I've known people in my personal life who ruined their own lives and the lives of others because of their various and assorted "choices" (as an aside: one of my favorite new memes is this one: "Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make stupid choices."). I've also trained in a prison environment. What's not to understand, right? But for people who are hell-bent on "Nobody knows or understands the pain I've caused.." my two cents is this: Get over yourself. For the person who really thinks this way, you're basically telling me that you are god (small "g" for sure on that one!) and you know better than "any" god (including the "real" one!) what you should and should not be forgiven for. Really? What's the purpose of that? Are you a masochist? Are you just wanting an excuse to keep doing bad things? Are you a demon? I don't know. What I DO know is that you won't be able to step up and out of the quicksand you created for yourself if you can't forgive yourself for whatever sins of the past you are traumatically bonded to. As I have told clients before, Jeffrey Dahmer (who ate the people he tortured and killed by the way!), as a result of his own conversion experience, was able to forgive himself for his past. Grant it, he was killed in prison shortly aftwards anyway...but at least he had his own measure of peace as a result of turning his life and will over to God as he understood Him. So don't give me this "I can't forgive myself" garbage. Yes you can---because there is a God, and you are NOT Him!
I know that paragraph just read very "rough" and not exactly as grace-filled as you might have expected---but too bad. Sometimes the truth has to be presented "rough" because what you're doing to yourself to keep yourself traumatically tied up to your past is even rougher on you and those you claim to "love" in the bigger picture!
Forgiveness has always been about breaking bondages that keep you stuck in a place that has no useful purpose "now" in your present life. Remember how I've written over and over again about how the past is supposed to teach you the lessons you need to learn so you don't repeat those same mistakes "now" in your present life? Well, forgiveness allows you to do that without getting all caught up in "what happened to me then" and "how it messed me up" (meaning you...not me; I wasn't there!). Also, there are some people who are literally addicted to drama, crisis, and chaos...so they like being stuck in their own traumatic past because it gives them an excuse to remain "high drama" now. Which is no good of course, but that is what it is until they decide to get help.
I think of what I read once in a book about Death Row inmates: how they would rather die than speak of the abuse they endured by a mother or father who they wanted so badly to believe "loved" them....even as they sat on Death Row and became (in large part!) who they are because of their traumatic (and unspoken!) past. Talking about "what happened" to you in an honest manner with a trained professional (like me!) is the beginning of setting yourself free from the damage you suffered physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually speaking. But being able to ultimately forgive yourself and those who hurt you....that's a big BIG "chunk" of what it takes to move past and on with your life in a good way.
Forgiveness isn't about saying "It's o.k. what you did to me" to your past and/or present abuse perpetrators. But yet (which is so strange to me, but I've seen it!) I witness or hear about these adult children still going over to "see" and visit with their abusive parents/siblings/family members as if it is all "o.k." anyway and always was. What the..?!?! This behavior is mind boggling to me because abuse is NEVER o.k. If someone in your life is abusive "now"...why can't you open your mouth and say "This is NOT o.k.!" and set some boundaries if you insist on spending time with them? Instead, you put up with their crap---pretending it isn't crap at all---and then of course repeat the same abusive pattern in your own life without ever connecting the dots as to how you "learned" it in the first place! DOH!
Forgiveness is about YOU recognizing what happened to you (or what you did!)...repenting from it (your "I'm sorry please forgive me!" to yourself, to God as you understand Him, and to those you have injured...or between you and God as you declare "I forgive him; I forgive her")....and then turning yourself around (changing your own behavior!) so you can MOVE ON and PAST what has kept you stuck in the muck of your traumatic background for however long. Not everyone who you choose to forgive will even acknowledge what they did that was "bad" to you in the first place. This is why sometimes (many times!) practicing forgiveness is between you and God alone. I have had clients cry their eyes out over sexually abusive family members who deny deny deny and will continue to deny until their last breaths. Oh well. You still have to be able to untangle yourself from that traumatic bond and move on right? So do it.
My favorite quote on forgiveness is this one: The funny thing about forgiveness is that by letting go of something outside of ourselves, it gives us peace inside of ourselves.