You know how there are just some things in life that do not require intensive psycho-social research studies in order to validate? Today's post is about the intangible inheritances handed down from generation to generation within any given family system. Why bother? In my own humble opinion, it represents one of those topics very few are willing to openly look at---let alone discuss.
Genograms represent one tool we psychotherapists use with clients to help uncover "who was like what" within one's own family. For example, I will have clients start with the oldest known family member on "dad" and/or "mom's" side of the family. For purposes of example, let's say that would be great grandfather John Jones. Instead of focusing on the typical genealogical information one would expect to gather about "great grandpa Jones"...genograms focus on that ancestor's "issues" and lifestyle. Through this type of information gathering that can come from a combination of known facts and "repeated family stories/family lore about...", my clients are then able to get a fuller picture of "who" their ancestors truly were as real-life everyday people.
In my own case, I always had very limited genealogical information about my own maternal grandfather (who died before my mother even married). YET...I heard several of the "same" stories about my grandfather Eli from both my mother and my aunt over the years since I was born. One of them had to do with my grandfather coming over to the U.S. on his own and without my grandmother in order to work here until he "saved" enough to pay her passage to this country. It took him thirteen years to do that. Okay. Now there are some people who would believe that to be an unimportant
"factoid" of no real use or purpose. However, when combined with the other "stories" I heard about my grandfather....let's just say he managed to party like a rock star while working two jobs that were "legit" and two jobs that were not by the time he brought my grandmother over to Detroit. He of course continued in those jobs long after my aunt and mother were born during the 1920s era. To say my grandfather was a "hard working fellow" pales when compared to the amounts of money he let slip through his fingers while whooping it up on a daily basis.
Things like homicides, suicides, alcoholism, poor general health, anxiety, depression, gambling, illegitimate children, abortion, multiple marriages....these are just some of the many "legacies" that can be uncovered while creating one's own family genogram. In my own case, the maternal side of my family read like a Who's Who of personal irresponsibility (that would be "sloth" for the fundamentalists out there)...alcoholism...gambling....gluttony (literally and figuratively)....
and sociopathy (not abiding by the rules and functioning without empathy in relationships). Wow. Funny how that skipped a generation with me ;-) --- but it sure didn't with other close family members in this present generation. As controversial as this may sound, it's also pretty astounding when my gay, lesbian, and transgendered clients realize how they are not the "first" within their own family system to have remained a life-long "bachelor" (male) or an "old maid" (female). Inotherwords, there are always threads of "what's up" within any given family system when we take the time to notice and identify them.
So what's the good news? As would be true for any family system, just because your grandpa Jo and great-grandma Flo spent their lives in prison for murder does NOT mean you are "doomed" to repeat the same mistakes in your own "present" life. Just like some things cannot be changed (your blue eyes, your height, or your family history of cancer)...there are many things that CAN be changed. Until you realize what those things are which need to be changed, I have to say it is pretty easy to fall into the "same old same old" without ever realizing how you got there. I will be the first to admit that back in my own heyday of the late 70s and early 80s---I could chug beer like a champion and even broke more than one beer glass on a tabletop to prove it. Had I not become aware of my own family's history with "drinking" and "bootlegging" and "getting hit by the streetcar when he was drunk" and it's "link" to my drinking-related lifestyle choices at that time---perhaps I would have remained a beer chugging party girl today instead of the fine upstanding psychotherapist I now am. ;-)
In the end, knowing what came before us is a good thing. It can help us to see what we may have control over changing---and for the better---in our own lives. It's nothing to be afraid of, but it is something worth noticing. The way you "are" naturally didn't just happen by osmosis; you are one link in a very long chain of family history that came before you. So why not take some time to find out "what" chinks in the chain there are---and how you might go about repairing them in your own life.
See you next time!
Genograms represent one tool we psychotherapists use with clients to help uncover "who was like what" within one's own family. For example, I will have clients start with the oldest known family member on "dad" and/or "mom's" side of the family. For purposes of example, let's say that would be great grandfather John Jones. Instead of focusing on the typical genealogical information one would expect to gather about "great grandpa Jones"...genograms focus on that ancestor's "issues" and lifestyle. Through this type of information gathering that can come from a combination of known facts and "repeated family stories/family lore about...", my clients are then able to get a fuller picture of "who" their ancestors truly were as real-life everyday people.
In my own case, I always had very limited genealogical information about my own maternal grandfather (who died before my mother even married). YET...I heard several of the "same" stories about my grandfather Eli from both my mother and my aunt over the years since I was born. One of them had to do with my grandfather coming over to the U.S. on his own and without my grandmother in order to work here until he "saved" enough to pay her passage to this country. It took him thirteen years to do that. Okay. Now there are some people who would believe that to be an unimportant
"factoid" of no real use or purpose. However, when combined with the other "stories" I heard about my grandfather....let's just say he managed to party like a rock star while working two jobs that were "legit" and two jobs that were not by the time he brought my grandmother over to Detroit. He of course continued in those jobs long after my aunt and mother were born during the 1920s era. To say my grandfather was a "hard working fellow" pales when compared to the amounts of money he let slip through his fingers while whooping it up on a daily basis.
Things like homicides, suicides, alcoholism, poor general health, anxiety, depression, gambling, illegitimate children, abortion, multiple marriages....these are just some of the many "legacies" that can be uncovered while creating one's own family genogram. In my own case, the maternal side of my family read like a Who's Who of personal irresponsibility (that would be "sloth" for the fundamentalists out there)...alcoholism...gambling....gluttony (literally and figuratively)....
and sociopathy (not abiding by the rules and functioning without empathy in relationships). Wow. Funny how that skipped a generation with me ;-) --- but it sure didn't with other close family members in this present generation. As controversial as this may sound, it's also pretty astounding when my gay, lesbian, and transgendered clients realize how they are not the "first" within their own family system to have remained a life-long "bachelor" (male) or an "old maid" (female). Inotherwords, there are always threads of "what's up" within any given family system when we take the time to notice and identify them.
So what's the good news? As would be true for any family system, just because your grandpa Jo and great-grandma Flo spent their lives in prison for murder does NOT mean you are "doomed" to repeat the same mistakes in your own "present" life. Just like some things cannot be changed (your blue eyes, your height, or your family history of cancer)...there are many things that CAN be changed. Until you realize what those things are which need to be changed, I have to say it is pretty easy to fall into the "same old same old" without ever realizing how you got there. I will be the first to admit that back in my own heyday of the late 70s and early 80s---I could chug beer like a champion and even broke more than one beer glass on a tabletop to prove it. Had I not become aware of my own family's history with "drinking" and "bootlegging" and "getting hit by the streetcar when he was drunk" and it's "link" to my drinking-related lifestyle choices at that time---perhaps I would have remained a beer chugging party girl today instead of the fine upstanding psychotherapist I now am. ;-)
In the end, knowing what came before us is a good thing. It can help us to see what we may have control over changing---and for the better---in our own lives. It's nothing to be afraid of, but it is something worth noticing. The way you "are" naturally didn't just happen by osmosis; you are one link in a very long chain of family history that came before you. So why not take some time to find out "what" chinks in the chain there are---and how you might go about repairing them in your own life.
See you next time!