Oprah has been featuring Dr. Brene Brown in recent days to discuss the topic of vulnerability and being vulnerable. I watched a bit of last Sunday night's program and liked what I saw. One thing that jumped out at me was a one-liner Dr. Brene put out there as it related to the partner who is "shut down" emotionally more so than the other in a marriage. She admitted she was that person in her own personal life and added how difficult it is to "have someone like you more than you like you". Bingo Dr. Brene! As such, here's my take on how vulnerability is the only key there is for any of us who aspire to being or becoming "real" with ourselves---and with others we claim to care about...
I have met and known the "old" Dr. Brene (by her own admission) many times in my life. You know, the emotionally "shut down" person who basically INFERS to you in the context of your initial contact and/or developing relationship: "Here's the line. Don't cross it. I will not talk to you or anyone else about a.b.c.d.e.f.g.h.i.j.k.l.m.n.o.p.q.r...o.k. we can talk about "t" but only if I am in the mood that day", etc. etc. Some people are fine with this "type" of relational dynamic; there are MANY people in this world we share who do NOT rely on "other people" to discuss the "deeper" subjects of life and relationships. Or that's how it at least appears to those of us who don't understand the "invulnerable" among us. Like Dr. Brene stated in her Oprah interview, it IS very difficult to be vulnerable when someone likes you more than you like yourself! What are you supposed to do with that information? There's a part of us that says "What?! I BETTER keep my mouth shut now or I risk blowing my cover given who they think I am as a person!" Then of course there's the other part of us that says "Yikes! Whatever I've done or said to give them such a great impression of me...do I have to keep this up for as long as we are in a relationship?!" What a pickle eh? Not really. Not when practicing vulnerability is what will move us out of a "have-to-do" mentality and into one that basically provides us with a interpersonal freedom like we've never before experienced!
Vulnerabilily that is real and authentic is rooted in our abilities to genuinely (a) trust, and (b) be humble. Now....for all of us who have been through an ongoing series of disappointing and/or traumatic life events...it doesn't take a genius to figure out how "trust" can get messed up at a very early age, let alone over the course of time. I've had clients crying buckets over their "first love" who betrayed them 20, 30, and 50 years ago. I've had adult children so angry over the abuse and neglect they endured at the hands of their mentally ill parent(s). Unexpected job loss, a catastrophic illness, the death of a loved one...there is so much that can "shatter" our trust into a million little pieces from the time we are born to the time we die. To put it very bluntly, we ALL have walked through the sh** in our personal lives. Nobody gets a free pass when it comes to that. Everyone has been through drama, trauma, and authentic injusticies committed against them for no good reason.
YET...do we allow our past experiences with our own trust being shattered into pieces to serve as the justification for a present-life ice-ing (meaning to function more "emotionally shut down" than not!) with basically ANYONE we involve ourselves with? I've seen parents "ice" their own children in this way; I've seen in between partners in a so-called "loving" relationship. This ice-ing practice is, when you think about it, beyond ridiculous. If you trusted yourself enough to marry somone and then have children with them....why would you make a habit of treating them as if they can't be trusted because of your OWN issues with "vulnerability"?! Oh...but now we are getting into the judgment portion of this blog post which has to do with a lack of HUMILITY as feeding the beast of one's inability to be or become "real" by being or becoming "vulnerable"...
Humility isn't possible without gratitude. Think about that. If you focus your attention too much so on all that's "wrong" in your life or with your life or with what you want from life but didn't get yet---YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GRATITUDE. And----you also have a problem with being humble. Regarding gratitude, who really "owes" you a good life anyway? Who "owes" you an easy life? Regardless of your own world view....we still each have responsibility for our own daily load in life. When we don't get what we want....we can very easily erode away at the inner reserve of "gratitude" we were each given the opportunity to develop since birth. Regarding humility, it doesn't just "happen" to a person because it's Thursday and 3:00PM. Humility starts in your own heart and whether or not you are genuinely thankful for "all" associated with who you are, what you have been blessed with, and this very chance at life you've been given. In my practice, I see lots of people who work or are heavily involved in Christian ministry. I have also seen the tremendous hypocrisy (which is beyond sad!) of playing "completely vulnerable" at church...while BEING "completely INvulnerable" at home and behind closed doors. What the...?!?!? Listen, you can't be "under God's control" only on Sundays between 10AM and 12PM, but then the rest of the week you get to be completely "in control"----playing the small "g" god in the lives of your partner, children, and extended family members! The only figure in the entire universe who has the authentic right to be omniscient 24/7 and for all eternity is God! The rest of us are called to be humble...because we are grateful...because we know who "really" is in charge and guess what? It's not you...it's not me...it's not your mama...it's not your daddy...it's the God of This Universe as you understand Him. But puleeze---do NOT MISunderstand him as being yourself! We are all special...but we are also all ordinary. Chew on that for a few and see what comes out the other end.
For some, learning (or re-learning) to say "please" and "thank you" and genuinely mean it is the beginning of "practicing" vulnerability with others. Without gratitude and humility, forget it---you will behave not unlike a dictator that only wants to "do" or "say" whatever when he or she feels like it. Period. What a terrible way to live. Keeping others always at an emotional arms length away until...until what? Until you decide that you may NEVER like yourself as much as someone else does and therefore that's THEIR problem? Puleeze!
When my therapist told me 20 years ago that I needed to be kinder and gentler to myself in order to be kinder and gentler to others...she was NOT lying! Vulnerability is the key to freely giving and receiving love...and it's the key to feeling "really" good about who you "really" are over time. So...today is the first day for all of us. Let's try practicing what will give us a true hope for this day instead of just re-experiencing the same old garbage from yesterday...
I have met and known the "old" Dr. Brene (by her own admission) many times in my life. You know, the emotionally "shut down" person who basically INFERS to you in the context of your initial contact and/or developing relationship: "Here's the line. Don't cross it. I will not talk to you or anyone else about a.b.c.d.e.f.g.h.i.j.k.l.m.n.o.p.q.r...o.k. we can talk about "t" but only if I am in the mood that day", etc. etc. Some people are fine with this "type" of relational dynamic; there are MANY people in this world we share who do NOT rely on "other people" to discuss the "deeper" subjects of life and relationships. Or that's how it at least appears to those of us who don't understand the "invulnerable" among us. Like Dr. Brene stated in her Oprah interview, it IS very difficult to be vulnerable when someone likes you more than you like yourself! What are you supposed to do with that information? There's a part of us that says "What?! I BETTER keep my mouth shut now or I risk blowing my cover given who they think I am as a person!" Then of course there's the other part of us that says "Yikes! Whatever I've done or said to give them such a great impression of me...do I have to keep this up for as long as we are in a relationship?!" What a pickle eh? Not really. Not when practicing vulnerability is what will move us out of a "have-to-do" mentality and into one that basically provides us with a interpersonal freedom like we've never before experienced!
Vulnerabilily that is real and authentic is rooted in our abilities to genuinely (a) trust, and (b) be humble. Now....for all of us who have been through an ongoing series of disappointing and/or traumatic life events...it doesn't take a genius to figure out how "trust" can get messed up at a very early age, let alone over the course of time. I've had clients crying buckets over their "first love" who betrayed them 20, 30, and 50 years ago. I've had adult children so angry over the abuse and neglect they endured at the hands of their mentally ill parent(s). Unexpected job loss, a catastrophic illness, the death of a loved one...there is so much that can "shatter" our trust into a million little pieces from the time we are born to the time we die. To put it very bluntly, we ALL have walked through the sh** in our personal lives. Nobody gets a free pass when it comes to that. Everyone has been through drama, trauma, and authentic injusticies committed against them for no good reason.
YET...do we allow our past experiences with our own trust being shattered into pieces to serve as the justification for a present-life ice-ing (meaning to function more "emotionally shut down" than not!) with basically ANYONE we involve ourselves with? I've seen parents "ice" their own children in this way; I've seen in between partners in a so-called "loving" relationship. This ice-ing practice is, when you think about it, beyond ridiculous. If you trusted yourself enough to marry somone and then have children with them....why would you make a habit of treating them as if they can't be trusted because of your OWN issues with "vulnerability"?! Oh...but now we are getting into the judgment portion of this blog post which has to do with a lack of HUMILITY as feeding the beast of one's inability to be or become "real" by being or becoming "vulnerable"...
Humility isn't possible without gratitude. Think about that. If you focus your attention too much so on all that's "wrong" in your life or with your life or with what you want from life but didn't get yet---YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GRATITUDE. And----you also have a problem with being humble. Regarding gratitude, who really "owes" you a good life anyway? Who "owes" you an easy life? Regardless of your own world view....we still each have responsibility for our own daily load in life. When we don't get what we want....we can very easily erode away at the inner reserve of "gratitude" we were each given the opportunity to develop since birth. Regarding humility, it doesn't just "happen" to a person because it's Thursday and 3:00PM. Humility starts in your own heart and whether or not you are genuinely thankful for "all" associated with who you are, what you have been blessed with, and this very chance at life you've been given. In my practice, I see lots of people who work or are heavily involved in Christian ministry. I have also seen the tremendous hypocrisy (which is beyond sad!) of playing "completely vulnerable" at church...while BEING "completely INvulnerable" at home and behind closed doors. What the...?!?!? Listen, you can't be "under God's control" only on Sundays between 10AM and 12PM, but then the rest of the week you get to be completely "in control"----playing the small "g" god in the lives of your partner, children, and extended family members! The only figure in the entire universe who has the authentic right to be omniscient 24/7 and for all eternity is God! The rest of us are called to be humble...because we are grateful...because we know who "really" is in charge and guess what? It's not you...it's not me...it's not your mama...it's not your daddy...it's the God of This Universe as you understand Him. But puleeze---do NOT MISunderstand him as being yourself! We are all special...but we are also all ordinary. Chew on that for a few and see what comes out the other end.
For some, learning (or re-learning) to say "please" and "thank you" and genuinely mean it is the beginning of "practicing" vulnerability with others. Without gratitude and humility, forget it---you will behave not unlike a dictator that only wants to "do" or "say" whatever when he or she feels like it. Period. What a terrible way to live. Keeping others always at an emotional arms length away until...until what? Until you decide that you may NEVER like yourself as much as someone else does and therefore that's THEIR problem? Puleeze!
When my therapist told me 20 years ago that I needed to be kinder and gentler to myself in order to be kinder and gentler to others...she was NOT lying! Vulnerability is the key to freely giving and receiving love...and it's the key to feeling "really" good about who you "really" are over time. So...today is the first day for all of us. Let's try practicing what will give us a true hope for this day instead of just re-experiencing the same old garbage from yesterday...