Several years ago, I remember a client who was frightened to death at the thought of telling her own mother that she had been diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer. At the time, I was initially confused as to why my client was more concerned about her mother's reaction than her own recovery process. She would say things to me like "Oh, the news will kill her", "Her heart won't be able to take it", etc. etc. Believe me, I knew something deep down was rotten in Denmark---but I kept encouraging my client to share the news with her mother anyway. When she finally did, my client said something to me that I will never forget. She said "You knew she would react this way all along didn't you Mary?" before she even told me how her mother reacted. My response was "Well, if she said "How could this happen to me?!", you're right---I did know. Thankfully, my client not only recovered from her diagnosis but was eventually set free from the tyranny of her narcissistic mother.
Without getting too clinical here, narcissists view life and relationships through a couple of lenses. The first has to do with "How is this about me!?" and the second is "How can I make sure you know this is about me?" One of the great jokes about narcissism has to do with the lion who struts through the jungle asking each animal in turn who, indeed, is king of the jungle. "You are sir!" answers the monkey, the giraffe, the rhino, and the peacock. When the lion asks the elephant who is king of the jungle, the elephant responds by wrapping its trunk around the lion's belly, picking it up, and tossing it hard against the nearest tree. The lion's response? "You don't have to get so sore just because you don't know the answer!" That's a narcissist for you....
When it comes to parents and their children (like my client mentioned earlier in this post), it is very difficult to navigate even a halfway decent relationship with a narcissistic parent. No matter what goes on, everything manages to circle around back to how "the thing" (whatever "it" is!) is affecting the narcissistic parent. Calling it selfish doesn't even begin to cover it; these folks are willing to throw others under the bus in the name of "It Really Isn't About You...But ME!!" all day every day. One of the classic books on the topic is entitled "Malignant Self-Love"...but IMHO "love" has very little to do with the deep motives underlying narcissistic behavior. Instead, I believe that narcissists are more like hardcore survivalists along with their borderline, histrionic, and sociopathic brethren. They don't want to be or become aware of who they have damaged by their own actions...but they also don't care. Otherwise, they would be motivated to stop. And yet they don't. Because they can't.
The reason why I kept encouraging my client to tell her mother about her own cancer diagnosis had to do more with boundary setting than anything else. Unless a narcissist gets into treatment and works at their own recovery, they'll only get worse with the passage of time. Yes, you read that right. Nobody "gets" better when it comes to mental health issues just because time has passed us all by. Until we are able to set limits and boundaries on the inappropriate behavior we are not willing to put up with anymore, the narcissists in our lives will just keep on keeping on. Probably the best narcissistic one-liner I was made aware of just recently had to do with someone who didn't show up at a family event due to illness. The self-appointed patriarch of that family commented, "He's not here because of me." Unless that patriarch spread the virus to his male relative who was ill, that patriarch, my friends, was a flaming narcissist. Kudos to the male relative who ended up calling his uncle to let him know that "My illness really wasn't about you at all Unc...but if you want to talk about how we can improve our relationship, let's do it." That's what I'm talking about. Even narcissists have ears that sometimes connect what is heard to their minds and hearts...
When a narcissist gets its about humility and gratitude for each day as it comes, recovery is possible. When a narcissist gets it about empathy and compassion for how "the other guy" feels, recovery is possible. When a narcissist gets it about "It Really Isn't About ME....but ALL of us!", recovery is certainly is possible. Until we meet again...
Without getting too clinical here, narcissists view life and relationships through a couple of lenses. The first has to do with "How is this about me!?" and the second is "How can I make sure you know this is about me?" One of the great jokes about narcissism has to do with the lion who struts through the jungle asking each animal in turn who, indeed, is king of the jungle. "You are sir!" answers the monkey, the giraffe, the rhino, and the peacock. When the lion asks the elephant who is king of the jungle, the elephant responds by wrapping its trunk around the lion's belly, picking it up, and tossing it hard against the nearest tree. The lion's response? "You don't have to get so sore just because you don't know the answer!" That's a narcissist for you....
When it comes to parents and their children (like my client mentioned earlier in this post), it is very difficult to navigate even a halfway decent relationship with a narcissistic parent. No matter what goes on, everything manages to circle around back to how "the thing" (whatever "it" is!) is affecting the narcissistic parent. Calling it selfish doesn't even begin to cover it; these folks are willing to throw others under the bus in the name of "It Really Isn't About You...But ME!!" all day every day. One of the classic books on the topic is entitled "Malignant Self-Love"...but IMHO "love" has very little to do with the deep motives underlying narcissistic behavior. Instead, I believe that narcissists are more like hardcore survivalists along with their borderline, histrionic, and sociopathic brethren. They don't want to be or become aware of who they have damaged by their own actions...but they also don't care. Otherwise, they would be motivated to stop. And yet they don't. Because they can't.
The reason why I kept encouraging my client to tell her mother about her own cancer diagnosis had to do more with boundary setting than anything else. Unless a narcissist gets into treatment and works at their own recovery, they'll only get worse with the passage of time. Yes, you read that right. Nobody "gets" better when it comes to mental health issues just because time has passed us all by. Until we are able to set limits and boundaries on the inappropriate behavior we are not willing to put up with anymore, the narcissists in our lives will just keep on keeping on. Probably the best narcissistic one-liner I was made aware of just recently had to do with someone who didn't show up at a family event due to illness. The self-appointed patriarch of that family commented, "He's not here because of me." Unless that patriarch spread the virus to his male relative who was ill, that patriarch, my friends, was a flaming narcissist. Kudos to the male relative who ended up calling his uncle to let him know that "My illness really wasn't about you at all Unc...but if you want to talk about how we can improve our relationship, let's do it." That's what I'm talking about. Even narcissists have ears that sometimes connect what is heard to their minds and hearts...
When a narcissist gets its about humility and gratitude for each day as it comes, recovery is possible. When a narcissist gets it about empathy and compassion for how "the other guy" feels, recovery is possible. When a narcissist gets it about "It Really Isn't About ME....but ALL of us!", recovery is certainly is possible. Until we meet again...