We are all victims of victims. I wish it were different, but it's not. Depending on who you are and when you felt you first lost your innocence, we have all been unfairly and unjustly traumatized and wounded by something, someone, or some series of somethings and someones from way back when. I am reminded of all the clients who have sat in my office crying their hearts out over their siblings who beat them bloody and/or sexually abused them as children. As a psychotherapist, I don't think we have even begun to skim the surface of that iceberg of pain and suffering at the hands of a once beloved sister or brother. I've heard about fractured skulls, mouths and noses taped shut, broken arms and legs, and objects used to slice, dice, and violate in most every way imaginable. How this happens shouldn't be so shocking as believing it doesn't or ever could. Even though denial was originally designed as a shock absorber for the soul, what is a kid to do in the moment he or she realizes that their own flesh and blood is, in essence, an unpredictable monster?
It has been said that pain changes us. Regardless of where it came from or when it started, this fact is certainly true. How it changes us is up to each of us who has experienced it. Without realizing it, those of us who are survivors of childhood abuse and/or neglect, it all too easy to use our pain as a communications tool. I can remember as a kid being thrilled at the idea of telling some younger kids on our block that Santa wasn't real. Not even seven or eight years old myself at the time, these children I told were a few years younger. Why did I find it so exciting to share this information with the local innocents? I had no idea then, but I do now. I was transmitting my pain to them, plain and simple. Taken a step further, I wanted to see for myself the change in their facial expressions and in their eyes when they truly believed what I was saying was true. Like watching a light go out.
Pain is too easily transmitted in our culture these days. People get divorced and put each other through holy hell and forget they have minor children who see and notice everything. People smoke dope and do a little coke now and then believing that their young teenagers are clueless...because that's what they want to believe. Married couples during family dinners discussing how they are deceiving and short-changing everyone around them as if their kids don't understand English. As an aside, why do you think all these gory and out-of-control slasher, zombie, vampire, and whatever other mayhem films and t.v. series are as popular as they are circa 2014? We are all getting way too used to unexpected and dramatic forms of pain and trauma. Did you know that right around 1900 (before t.v. was even invented) to merely GO to a movie theatre was considered highly inappropriate for the general church-going public? I'm not kidding. And back then, the "behaviors" on screen that caused the largest uproar had to do with being inside saloons, carrying and using firearms to settle disputes, drinking, and with women present who were "dolled up" and obviously not real housewives. How far we have come (?) Now we can touch a button and watch a snuff film if we want to. How is that progress you tell me?
I am reminded of how we transmit our pain to each other everytime I am in my car and suddenly someone zooms up from behind and starts gesturing like their backside is on fire and the nearest water source is 200 miles away. When this happens, I check my odometer to make sure I am driving the speed limit (which I usually am if not a few miles above it)...and then I just keep driving. Invariable Mr. or Ms. Pants on Fire zooms around and flips me off while doing so as if....??? As if they are in the business of transmitting their pain to others!
Transmitting our painful past or present to other people is not really going to make us "better" people over time. I tell clients it is like relieving oneself in the middle of someone else's living room and then saying "Ahhh, that felt good!" and leaving the house! Saying and doing the wrong thing isn't the answer; it never is. Instead of focusing on transmitting our pain when we feel it, how about allowing that pain to transform us into better people? What a concept? Do you think that everyone who knows you REALLY wants to repeatedly and consistently hear about your aching back or your lazy son or what a lousy spouse you have? No. The answer is no. Not every time you speak...not every time you need to transmit that pain in order to make yourself feel better fast....the answer is still no no no no no! That's what we psychotherapists are for. We can take it. We'll listen to you....but we will also challenge you with the truth of what pain from where you are specifically transmitting and why. Then we will give you viable options in moving away from this pattern of behavior and working to solve, resolve, and/or dissolve the core issues which caused your pain in the first place. How about that? And it's possible too.
Be transformed by your pain....and stop transmitting it for no good reason. That's the lesson for all of us today. Until next time....
It has been said that pain changes us. Regardless of where it came from or when it started, this fact is certainly true. How it changes us is up to each of us who has experienced it. Without realizing it, those of us who are survivors of childhood abuse and/or neglect, it all too easy to use our pain as a communications tool. I can remember as a kid being thrilled at the idea of telling some younger kids on our block that Santa wasn't real. Not even seven or eight years old myself at the time, these children I told were a few years younger. Why did I find it so exciting to share this information with the local innocents? I had no idea then, but I do now. I was transmitting my pain to them, plain and simple. Taken a step further, I wanted to see for myself the change in their facial expressions and in their eyes when they truly believed what I was saying was true. Like watching a light go out.
Pain is too easily transmitted in our culture these days. People get divorced and put each other through holy hell and forget they have minor children who see and notice everything. People smoke dope and do a little coke now and then believing that their young teenagers are clueless...because that's what they want to believe. Married couples during family dinners discussing how they are deceiving and short-changing everyone around them as if their kids don't understand English. As an aside, why do you think all these gory and out-of-control slasher, zombie, vampire, and whatever other mayhem films and t.v. series are as popular as they are circa 2014? We are all getting way too used to unexpected and dramatic forms of pain and trauma. Did you know that right around 1900 (before t.v. was even invented) to merely GO to a movie theatre was considered highly inappropriate for the general church-going public? I'm not kidding. And back then, the "behaviors" on screen that caused the largest uproar had to do with being inside saloons, carrying and using firearms to settle disputes, drinking, and with women present who were "dolled up" and obviously not real housewives. How far we have come (?) Now we can touch a button and watch a snuff film if we want to. How is that progress you tell me?
I am reminded of how we transmit our pain to each other everytime I am in my car and suddenly someone zooms up from behind and starts gesturing like their backside is on fire and the nearest water source is 200 miles away. When this happens, I check my odometer to make sure I am driving the speed limit (which I usually am if not a few miles above it)...and then I just keep driving. Invariable Mr. or Ms. Pants on Fire zooms around and flips me off while doing so as if....??? As if they are in the business of transmitting their pain to others!
Transmitting our painful past or present to other people is not really going to make us "better" people over time. I tell clients it is like relieving oneself in the middle of someone else's living room and then saying "Ahhh, that felt good!" and leaving the house! Saying and doing the wrong thing isn't the answer; it never is. Instead of focusing on transmitting our pain when we feel it, how about allowing that pain to transform us into better people? What a concept? Do you think that everyone who knows you REALLY wants to repeatedly and consistently hear about your aching back or your lazy son or what a lousy spouse you have? No. The answer is no. Not every time you speak...not every time you need to transmit that pain in order to make yourself feel better fast....the answer is still no no no no no! That's what we psychotherapists are for. We can take it. We'll listen to you....but we will also challenge you with the truth of what pain from where you are specifically transmitting and why. Then we will give you viable options in moving away from this pattern of behavior and working to solve, resolve, and/or dissolve the core issues which caused your pain in the first place. How about that? And it's possible too.
Be transformed by your pain....and stop transmitting it for no good reason. That's the lesson for all of us today. Until next time....