Last post, I talked about how easy it is for us to transmit the pain from our past or present to others without being aware of it. I remember one holiday many years ago when an extended family member went off on me verbally because I invited her to an event involving one of her houseguests at the time. As she was yelling at me about "I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND BLAH BLAH BLAH!"---I remember looking around at everyone else nearby us to (a) make sure I wasn't hallucinating the tirade, (b) to see if someone noticed what she was doing, and (c) to prepare myself for my inevitable response which I knew MUST happen as soon as she stopped screaming. Once she did stop, I looked at her directly and said, "Can you please tell me why you were yelling at me like that just now?" I know she didn't expect this from me, especially since I spoke in my t.v. voice (aka cool, calm, and controlled)! When all was said and done, she basically communicated that she was angry because she didn't want anyone making plans with her houseguests without her "knowing" ahead of time what was being planned. Okay. Fine. Whatever. That still didn't excuse her disrespecting me in the way she did by transmitting her pain to me in the way she had. Although she didn't change much towards me until the day she passed on from this world and into the next, I certainly did. As I learned to practice speaking up for myself in a "t.v. voice" manner when offended, it helped ME to be and become a better person over time. That's the irony of trasmitting pain versus being transformed by it. She transmitted it...I was on the receiving end of it...but I didn't allow "it" (her pain) to transform me into a fellow transmitter (of pain) onto others. Instead, I kept practicing "sticking up for myself" when hurt, angered, or afraid...but while also maintaining my own sense of integrity, dignity, and grace.
Practicing saying what you mean and meaning what you say in the heat of an offensive moment is not easy. It is complicated by the fact that we may be thinking all sorts of "good responses" in our heads to our offender's remarks or actions...but our offender(s) CANNOT HEAR WHAT WE ARE THINKING. We have to use our words. We have to learn how to say "Are you aware that you are screaming at me right now?" or "Please correct me if I'm misunderstanding what just happened here, but I just saw you.....(insert offensive behavior here)" or "Can you repeat that please?" etc. etc. etc. Unless you use your words to communicate that you have been offended and want to understand why so (hopefully!) it won't happen again anytime soon....you will fall into a cycle and a trap of your own making. You will teach others that it is o.k. to offend you and/or ignore you and/or abuse you any time they feel like it...and similarly you will learn that it is o.k. for you to be offended, or ignored, and/or abused by others. Sadly, you may also learn it is o.k. for YOU to offend, ignore, and/or abuse others when you feel like it! Not unlike child abuse survivors who either grow up to abuse others or be abused by others, nothing will change if nothing will change. YOU, at the very least, can be the change by practicing more assertive communication more often with everyone around you. Nobody deserves to be treated like an object...or like dirt...or like a pain in the rear end....or like a punching bag. Just because someone else is more about transmitting their pain to others than you believe you are, that does not mean it's o.k. for you to take it when they dish it. Nor is it o.k. for you to transmit your pain because that's what someone else in your life has taught you or is teaching you now. As an aside, many individuals who have been on the receiving end of offensive behaviors like to imagine that they said the right thing in the right moment when, in reality, they did not. They just "thought it", but did not literally say it out loud. Well, once again, nobody can hear what you are merely thinking...so in order to make sure you were assertive in responding to an offensive remark or action---you have to use your words "for real" and not just imagine you did!
Another complicating factor which inhibits our ability to speak the truth in a timely matter to our offenders is that many offenders in our lives are indeed chronic offenders. And sometimes (many times!) we get tired of feeling like a broken record of presenting the same messages only on different days. Whether mental illness, a personality disorder, and/or substance abuse is to blame for chronic offenders being chronic offenders...we still can't let anyone get away with being "nasty by nature" because their undies are in a twist. Of course it is exhausting and tiresome and draining to keep "calling out" someone on their offensive behaviors when you may feel it's the same set of inappropriate behaviors they keep exhibiting over and over and over again in your presence. But at this juncture, I'm not focused on them changing for the better. That may be impossible without a lightening zap to the brain stem from God Himself. I'm focused now on you being able to take care of yourself in spite of all the bullets being shot in your direction. Communicating the truth in these moments is like being able to dodge and avoid getting "hit" by any given bullet. When you can take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when someone else is basically trying to take you down verbally...you DO feel better about yourself in the long run. And when you feel better about your ability to say what you mean and mean what you say in a timely manner, you are demonstrating and developing within yourself both courage and strength. Whether you choose to remain in a relationship with your chronic offender(s) is up to you; however, you can STILL create and maintain your own boundaries even with the most offensive of chronic offenders. One of the great books on this issue is entitled "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender. It's an oldie, but a goodie and appropriate for anyone who struggles with the chronically offensive family member and/or friend.
My own parents were chronic offenders for the majority of their lives. Both had suffered terribly in their own childhoods and both had no clue "how else" to be except as transmitters of pain. For a long time, I just took what they dished out because I had no choice as a young child. Imagine my shock and dismay the first time I was confronted for my own "transmitter" behaviors as a young adult. We all have work to do. We have all been (as I said in my last post!) victims of victims. Until we can embrace our own "work in progress" status and focus on getting and being better in this area of our functioning---we won't. We'll just stay as we are and suffer the consequences for it. Don't forget next trip to your local library: "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender.
Practicing saying what you mean and meaning what you say in the heat of an offensive moment is not easy. It is complicated by the fact that we may be thinking all sorts of "good responses" in our heads to our offender's remarks or actions...but our offender(s) CANNOT HEAR WHAT WE ARE THINKING. We have to use our words. We have to learn how to say "Are you aware that you are screaming at me right now?" or "Please correct me if I'm misunderstanding what just happened here, but I just saw you.....(insert offensive behavior here)" or "Can you repeat that please?" etc. etc. etc. Unless you use your words to communicate that you have been offended and want to understand why so (hopefully!) it won't happen again anytime soon....you will fall into a cycle and a trap of your own making. You will teach others that it is o.k. to offend you and/or ignore you and/or abuse you any time they feel like it...and similarly you will learn that it is o.k. for you to be offended, or ignored, and/or abused by others. Sadly, you may also learn it is o.k. for YOU to offend, ignore, and/or abuse others when you feel like it! Not unlike child abuse survivors who either grow up to abuse others or be abused by others, nothing will change if nothing will change. YOU, at the very least, can be the change by practicing more assertive communication more often with everyone around you. Nobody deserves to be treated like an object...or like dirt...or like a pain in the rear end....or like a punching bag. Just because someone else is more about transmitting their pain to others than you believe you are, that does not mean it's o.k. for you to take it when they dish it. Nor is it o.k. for you to transmit your pain because that's what someone else in your life has taught you or is teaching you now. As an aside, many individuals who have been on the receiving end of offensive behaviors like to imagine that they said the right thing in the right moment when, in reality, they did not. They just "thought it", but did not literally say it out loud. Well, once again, nobody can hear what you are merely thinking...so in order to make sure you were assertive in responding to an offensive remark or action---you have to use your words "for real" and not just imagine you did!
Another complicating factor which inhibits our ability to speak the truth in a timely matter to our offenders is that many offenders in our lives are indeed chronic offenders. And sometimes (many times!) we get tired of feeling like a broken record of presenting the same messages only on different days. Whether mental illness, a personality disorder, and/or substance abuse is to blame for chronic offenders being chronic offenders...we still can't let anyone get away with being "nasty by nature" because their undies are in a twist. Of course it is exhausting and tiresome and draining to keep "calling out" someone on their offensive behaviors when you may feel it's the same set of inappropriate behaviors they keep exhibiting over and over and over again in your presence. But at this juncture, I'm not focused on them changing for the better. That may be impossible without a lightening zap to the brain stem from God Himself. I'm focused now on you being able to take care of yourself in spite of all the bullets being shot in your direction. Communicating the truth in these moments is like being able to dodge and avoid getting "hit" by any given bullet. When you can take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually when someone else is basically trying to take you down verbally...you DO feel better about yourself in the long run. And when you feel better about your ability to say what you mean and mean what you say in a timely manner, you are demonstrating and developing within yourself both courage and strength. Whether you choose to remain in a relationship with your chronic offender(s) is up to you; however, you can STILL create and maintain your own boundaries even with the most offensive of chronic offenders. One of the great books on this issue is entitled "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender. It's an oldie, but a goodie and appropriate for anyone who struggles with the chronically offensive family member and/or friend.
My own parents were chronic offenders for the majority of their lives. Both had suffered terribly in their own childhoods and both had no clue "how else" to be except as transmitters of pain. For a long time, I just took what they dished out because I had no choice as a young child. Imagine my shock and dismay the first time I was confronted for my own "transmitter" behaviors as a young adult. We all have work to do. We have all been (as I said in my last post!) victims of victims. Until we can embrace our own "work in progress" status and focus on getting and being better in this area of our functioning---we won't. We'll just stay as we are and suffer the consequences for it. Don't forget next trip to your local library: "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender.