Today's blog post is being written for married women who have cheaters for husbands. I'm not going to split hairs on this blog post today; I understand all about denial and how it's not just a river in Egypt. I also understand all about making false accusations to justify one's own cheating heart. That's not the focus of what I am here to talk about today. Instead, we truly need to talk about (as Wendy Williams would say) "How you doin'?!"
Some women claim not to mind if their husband cheat because they don't want to be bothered by their husbands sexually. I have had friends and clients over the years who have basically communicated one of two extreme explanations for this logic: (1) he's insatiable and I'm too tired for all his nonsense, or (2) he's such a lousy lover and won't change, so I'm not interested. Then there are all the explanations that fall inbetween these two extremes. Things like "He cheated on me before and I contracted an STD, so it was all over for me sexually after that." or "He has ED, so good luck to anyone who wants to make sure he takes his Viagra faithfully!" There are more...but by far the saddest and most tragic explanation I have EVER heard was this one: "Because he wants to, he's talked to me about it, and there is nothing I can do but agree BECAUSE I LOVE HIM."
First of all, cheating is not supposed to be an option when your husband gets bored with you---or believes all women are objects anyway so what's the big deal about who he sleeps with when he's out of town---or because he is secretly bisexual and wants to screw around with his boys behind your back---or because he is secretly gay and just wants a beard OR kids and you have been chosen as his breeder---etc. etc. I don't know what happened to the institution of marriage over the past hundred years...but our culture sure has learned to embrace the Groucho Marx School of Marital Theory: When asked once what he thought of the "institution of marriage", Groucho replied he didn't like living in an institution. That about sums up the thinking of the majority of men who do cheat IMHO. Even worse, when a husband assumes you are supposed to agree with him just because he articulated his intention or desire to cheat out loud in front of you...what's that about? In my book, it's about him being a narcissistic, disrespectful, and beyond rude DUMB ASS who doesn't have a clue how to treat women and especially his own wife! Yes, I did say that. I know---we shrinks are supposed to accept "everything" we hear inside our offices---but when cheating is reduced down to "Hey, I'm getting a mocha latte today instead of my regular nonfat chai---you're o.k. with that though right?"...it's all a bunch of BULL-insert-rest-of-word here!
Cheating is NOT like ordering a latte instead of a chai at Starbucks. Cheating is a symptom of other bigger issues that, until they are resolved, won't be. If you haven't watched "True Tori" yet, be sure to do so on demand. In their case, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been married for seven years and have four children under the age of seven together. Tori found out around Christmas this past year that Dean cheated on her with some 28 year old he met when away on a project in Toronto. The whole series "True Tori" is about the aftermath of this particular "cheating scandal". Dean believes it is his "alcoholic brain" that wants him "dead" which led him to drink, do cocaine, and ultimately cheat on Tori. Okay whatever. At least he didn't ask her to give him permission first right? Like so many other women agree to allow....
Cheating is a sign of significant problems from the cheater's past and perception of himself as a member of our human family. Cheaters, as hard as this may be to believe, have TRUE problems with practicing and developing TRUE intimacy! They treat sex like a simple choice as one would do when considering different movies to watch on Saturday night. As such, women who are married to cheaters really need to stop and think about why they are "allowing" their husband's cheating to continue and remain unchecked. Cheating does NOT ever help to develop true emotional, spiritual, and/or physical intimacy between a married couple. If you believe that lie, you need to ask why you are willing to throw yourself under the bus in the name of a type of love your cheating spouse is clueless about.
So, "how you doin'?" now? Cheating is a resolvable issue in psychotherapy, but BOTH parties have to be willing to work on it. If not, then the faithful spouse is being forced to live with a choice that will be more destructive than not over time---especially if children are involved. Until next time...
Note: It always takes two to tango, so you must ask yourself as the "faithful wife" why you also have difficulties with practicing and developing TRUE intimacy with your partner? After all, if you were a healthier person---you'd never agree to marry anyone you even suspected as capable of cheating in the first place. I'm just sayin....
Some women claim not to mind if their husband cheat because they don't want to be bothered by their husbands sexually. I have had friends and clients over the years who have basically communicated one of two extreme explanations for this logic: (1) he's insatiable and I'm too tired for all his nonsense, or (2) he's such a lousy lover and won't change, so I'm not interested. Then there are all the explanations that fall inbetween these two extremes. Things like "He cheated on me before and I contracted an STD, so it was all over for me sexually after that." or "He has ED, so good luck to anyone who wants to make sure he takes his Viagra faithfully!" There are more...but by far the saddest and most tragic explanation I have EVER heard was this one: "Because he wants to, he's talked to me about it, and there is nothing I can do but agree BECAUSE I LOVE HIM."
First of all, cheating is not supposed to be an option when your husband gets bored with you---or believes all women are objects anyway so what's the big deal about who he sleeps with when he's out of town---or because he is secretly bisexual and wants to screw around with his boys behind your back---or because he is secretly gay and just wants a beard OR kids and you have been chosen as his breeder---etc. etc. I don't know what happened to the institution of marriage over the past hundred years...but our culture sure has learned to embrace the Groucho Marx School of Marital Theory: When asked once what he thought of the "institution of marriage", Groucho replied he didn't like living in an institution. That about sums up the thinking of the majority of men who do cheat IMHO. Even worse, when a husband assumes you are supposed to agree with him just because he articulated his intention or desire to cheat out loud in front of you...what's that about? In my book, it's about him being a narcissistic, disrespectful, and beyond rude DUMB ASS who doesn't have a clue how to treat women and especially his own wife! Yes, I did say that. I know---we shrinks are supposed to accept "everything" we hear inside our offices---but when cheating is reduced down to "Hey, I'm getting a mocha latte today instead of my regular nonfat chai---you're o.k. with that though right?"...it's all a bunch of BULL-insert-rest-of-word here!
Cheating is NOT like ordering a latte instead of a chai at Starbucks. Cheating is a symptom of other bigger issues that, until they are resolved, won't be. If you haven't watched "True Tori" yet, be sure to do so on demand. In their case, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been married for seven years and have four children under the age of seven together. Tori found out around Christmas this past year that Dean cheated on her with some 28 year old he met when away on a project in Toronto. The whole series "True Tori" is about the aftermath of this particular "cheating scandal". Dean believes it is his "alcoholic brain" that wants him "dead" which led him to drink, do cocaine, and ultimately cheat on Tori. Okay whatever. At least he didn't ask her to give him permission first right? Like so many other women agree to allow....
Cheating is a sign of significant problems from the cheater's past and perception of himself as a member of our human family. Cheaters, as hard as this may be to believe, have TRUE problems with practicing and developing TRUE intimacy! They treat sex like a simple choice as one would do when considering different movies to watch on Saturday night. As such, women who are married to cheaters really need to stop and think about why they are "allowing" their husband's cheating to continue and remain unchecked. Cheating does NOT ever help to develop true emotional, spiritual, and/or physical intimacy between a married couple. If you believe that lie, you need to ask why you are willing to throw yourself under the bus in the name of a type of love your cheating spouse is clueless about.
So, "how you doin'?" now? Cheating is a resolvable issue in psychotherapy, but BOTH parties have to be willing to work on it. If not, then the faithful spouse is being forced to live with a choice that will be more destructive than not over time---especially if children are involved. Until next time...
Note: It always takes two to tango, so you must ask yourself as the "faithful wife" why you also have difficulties with practicing and developing TRUE intimacy with your partner? After all, if you were a healthier person---you'd never agree to marry anyone you even suspected as capable of cheating in the first place. I'm just sayin....