Sister drama is as old as history itself. As someone who doesn't have a biological sister, I have observed many sisters in action over the last fifty years or so since I first realized "what" a sister actually was. (Back then, it was that other little girl we had to drag around with us everywhere we went or you couldn't come out to play!) Today's blog post is about sister drama and what you can do, as a sister, to either solve, resolve, or dissolve the drama that exists between the two (or more!) of you.
First, looking back at your family's history is helpful if you haven't yet learned the lessons you need to from it. You and your sister(s) each have a different perspective about what it was like to grow up with your mother and/or your father and/or the person(s) who raised you. As part of this process, you are giving yourself permission to identify, recognize, and listen to the reality of how you each grew up without perpetuating the fantasy version(s) of how things were.
Back in my generation, many oldest or older sisters were forced to take on the role of their mother's personal assistant when it came to the younger child(ren). I've had friends and clients both recite those famous last words before the door shut behind them during childhood: "Watch your little sister!" This is just an example of one issue (over-responsibility) that plagues many older sisters even to the present day. "I can't believe my little sister; she always acts like I'm her mother!" Really Sherlock? Imagine that! Right now, I am thinking of a mental health professional I know who still doesn't get it about how she consistently inserts herself in the middle of her younger sisters' lives as if she's (who else?) their mama. Grant it, there are many reasons why mothers allowed one or more of their children to function as mini moms during childhood. One of the neighborhood moms when I was a kid basically gave over her youngest daughter to her oldest girl...and her youngest son over to her oldest boy during the summer months when we were all out of school. It never occurred to me back then that their mom didn't work in summer because she was a teacher! I don't know where she went during the day, but she sure wasn't at her house!
Another common sister-drama-in-the-making dynamic that gets its start in childhood is the favored sister role. Shame on every mother and father in America who perpetuates this dysfunction by openly expressing and demonstrating favoritism towards one or some of their children and not all equally. As hokey as this is going to sound, sometimes just looking more like mom versus dad can seal a child's fate in one direction or the other. I have seen the "pretty" sister (who, oh by the way, looked just like mom when she was a child!) receive either the perks---or the shaft---for being labeled in this way. Especially daunting is the "unwanted" or "accident" or "wrong gender" sister whose very birth marked her for life within the family. I have actually been to family events where a sister has been introduced to me as "This is our sister who was supposed to be born a boy." Great. And people wonder why she's spent a lifetime trying to prove herself worthy in the eyes of dad (first) and then mom? I could go somewhere else with that one, but I won't.
By speaking openly and honestly with your sisters about what each of you experienced back then can be extremely helpful in not only learning the relevant lessons from your shared pasts....but in also mending fences and building bridges between you. In some cases a professional therapist is necessary so as to set the appropriate boundaries around any conversations that have the potential to go south in a hurry. Ultimately, the goal here is to find a new common ground as a basis for understanding and being understood by one another as adults. Then authentic emotional intimancy stands a chance of growing and flourishing because the frame of reference between sisters has been reframed accordingly...
Next, it is important to face present reality. Resolving sister drama isn't going to happen when one or more sisters has a drinking problem...or a drug problem...or any other ongoing problem that prevents them from being mentally and emotionally stable for more than a week or two. Trying to make peace and move forward with an unpredictable and unstable sister is like trying to run a race barefoot on broken glass. You can do all the talking you want, but it will all lead to your own sore throat.
Taking time off from your sister in this type of situation is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean that you are abandoning your relationship forever; it just means that you will be smarter about when and how you interact with one another. A great book on this topic is entitled "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender. In it, he likens having difficult conversations with family members as entering into gorilla warfare. You have to know when the time is right to get in there, say what you need to say in truth and in love to your target, and get the heck out before the bombs start dropping all around you. What's the point of spending inordinate amounts of time trying to convince a sister to see what she doesn't feel the need to see in the first place? This is like the friend who you can't stand shopping with because everywhere you go, she has to stop and admire every little tchotchke along the way. It is SO annoying---just like it would be to a sister who doesn't want to see what she doesn't want to see!
Grieving is a part of this letting go process. Grieving can lead to acceptance and acceptance can lead to change---within oneself that is. This is where the "dissolving" part of sister drama can occur. We choose to let go of whatever used to bother us about "that sister" and our related sister drama....but we also choose to change our own behavior so as to maintain our own personal integrity and self-respect. If that means letting go of the relationship for a time while engaging in "bold love" strategies when interactions occur---great. If that means continuing as is but speaking up more often when offended or hurt----that's great too. In the end, the sister drama may never change...but we will be changed because we are doing, and continue to do, the "right" thing for our own sakes each and every day...
First, looking back at your family's history is helpful if you haven't yet learned the lessons you need to from it. You and your sister(s) each have a different perspective about what it was like to grow up with your mother and/or your father and/or the person(s) who raised you. As part of this process, you are giving yourself permission to identify, recognize, and listen to the reality of how you each grew up without perpetuating the fantasy version(s) of how things were.
Back in my generation, many oldest or older sisters were forced to take on the role of their mother's personal assistant when it came to the younger child(ren). I've had friends and clients both recite those famous last words before the door shut behind them during childhood: "Watch your little sister!" This is just an example of one issue (over-responsibility) that plagues many older sisters even to the present day. "I can't believe my little sister; she always acts like I'm her mother!" Really Sherlock? Imagine that! Right now, I am thinking of a mental health professional I know who still doesn't get it about how she consistently inserts herself in the middle of her younger sisters' lives as if she's (who else?) their mama. Grant it, there are many reasons why mothers allowed one or more of their children to function as mini moms during childhood. One of the neighborhood moms when I was a kid basically gave over her youngest daughter to her oldest girl...and her youngest son over to her oldest boy during the summer months when we were all out of school. It never occurred to me back then that their mom didn't work in summer because she was a teacher! I don't know where she went during the day, but she sure wasn't at her house!
Another common sister-drama-in-the-making dynamic that gets its start in childhood is the favored sister role. Shame on every mother and father in America who perpetuates this dysfunction by openly expressing and demonstrating favoritism towards one or some of their children and not all equally. As hokey as this is going to sound, sometimes just looking more like mom versus dad can seal a child's fate in one direction or the other. I have seen the "pretty" sister (who, oh by the way, looked just like mom when she was a child!) receive either the perks---or the shaft---for being labeled in this way. Especially daunting is the "unwanted" or "accident" or "wrong gender" sister whose very birth marked her for life within the family. I have actually been to family events where a sister has been introduced to me as "This is our sister who was supposed to be born a boy." Great. And people wonder why she's spent a lifetime trying to prove herself worthy in the eyes of dad (first) and then mom? I could go somewhere else with that one, but I won't.
By speaking openly and honestly with your sisters about what each of you experienced back then can be extremely helpful in not only learning the relevant lessons from your shared pasts....but in also mending fences and building bridges between you. In some cases a professional therapist is necessary so as to set the appropriate boundaries around any conversations that have the potential to go south in a hurry. Ultimately, the goal here is to find a new common ground as a basis for understanding and being understood by one another as adults. Then authentic emotional intimancy stands a chance of growing and flourishing because the frame of reference between sisters has been reframed accordingly...
Next, it is important to face present reality. Resolving sister drama isn't going to happen when one or more sisters has a drinking problem...or a drug problem...or any other ongoing problem that prevents them from being mentally and emotionally stable for more than a week or two. Trying to make peace and move forward with an unpredictable and unstable sister is like trying to run a race barefoot on broken glass. You can do all the talking you want, but it will all lead to your own sore throat.
Taking time off from your sister in this type of situation is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean that you are abandoning your relationship forever; it just means that you will be smarter about when and how you interact with one another. A great book on this topic is entitled "Bold Love" by Dr. Dan Allender. In it, he likens having difficult conversations with family members as entering into gorilla warfare. You have to know when the time is right to get in there, say what you need to say in truth and in love to your target, and get the heck out before the bombs start dropping all around you. What's the point of spending inordinate amounts of time trying to convince a sister to see what she doesn't feel the need to see in the first place? This is like the friend who you can't stand shopping with because everywhere you go, she has to stop and admire every little tchotchke along the way. It is SO annoying---just like it would be to a sister who doesn't want to see what she doesn't want to see!
Grieving is a part of this letting go process. Grieving can lead to acceptance and acceptance can lead to change---within oneself that is. This is where the "dissolving" part of sister drama can occur. We choose to let go of whatever used to bother us about "that sister" and our related sister drama....but we also choose to change our own behavior so as to maintain our own personal integrity and self-respect. If that means letting go of the relationship for a time while engaging in "bold love" strategies when interactions occur---great. If that means continuing as is but speaking up more often when offended or hurt----that's great too. In the end, the sister drama may never change...but we will be changed because we are doing, and continue to do, the "right" thing for our own sakes each and every day...