Teaching clients about developing and then practicing effective communication skills is part of my work as a psychotherapist. Easy to say "I want to communicate better!", but difficult to actually do. Sometimes the problem is due to the fact that people prefer mindreading over using their words to communicate needs, wants, feelings, and beliefs to others. I can't tell you how many clients I've listened to over the past decade who have said "He should just KNOW how I feel about that by now!" No honey, he doesn't. Not everyone is a mind reader, a fortune teller, or a psychic. To assume someone else "just knows" what you are thinking or what you want....???! That's plain dumb. Whenever you assume something, don't forget---it makes an a** out of both you---and me (the person you are assuming whatever about!)...
Today's blog post is about rejection-based responses that we "do" to each other when communicating, but don't realize the negative impact such responses have on the relationship as a whole.
Here is the "hot list" of the Top Seven Rejection-Based Responses in Relationships:
1. Attacking
Nobody likes to feel or be verbally attacked by anyone in the general sense...let alone someone who we are involved with in a close personal relationship. With relationships we have been in for a while (or have gotten used to!), it is all too easy to slip into "attack mode" without thinking. Attacking is what we do when we don't want to address our own responsibiliy as part of a problem the other person is communicating to us. Attackers will say things like "I can do that as soon as YOU stop doing...", "Yeah right but what about when YOU...", or "What about that time YOU went and..." Attacking someone verbally NEVER demonstrates that you are listening to the person speaking and acknowledging what they said. Verbal attacks ultimately teach us all that verbal abuse is o.k., which it is not.
2. Apologizing
This may initially appear as a "weird" method used to reject what someone else says to you. However, apologizing is very often used to get the other person to "Shut up now!" about the subject under discussion in a passive aggressive way. "I'm sorry, you are right as usual...", "Yes, I know...I'm sorry; how many times can I tell you that I am sorry?!", or "I get it. I know. I'm sorry. Can we move on?" Apologizing without fully listening to and fully understanding how your actions hurt or damaged the other person is both rude and arrogant. People do it often, however, and that's not a good thing. To be truly and authentically "sorry" is to show that you sincerely get it (by both your words AND your actions) about how you offended someone.
3. Advising
Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome by anyone engaged in conversation with each other. Unless someone asks you specifically for your advice about something, forget all about offering it up on a silver platter to them anyway. Nobody wants to listen to someone else's advice when they didn't ask for it in the first place. Advising is when someone tells you about how they feel and you launch in with "Maybe you should have...", or "If I were you,I would have...". Not good. The other person will ultimately resent you for always putting your two cents instead of just listening and being there for them emotionally. If you want to make a career out of advising, go back to school and become a consultant in your chosen field!
4. Defending
When someone is upset with you, defending yourself is not the way to go about building bridges of understanding between the two of you. Defending oneself verbally only serves to create walls of further misunderstanding between you and the person you are speaking to. "I didn't mean that!", "I didn't do it!", "I would never talk to...like that!", "I was only thinking of you..." blah blah blah. If you feel that you are being unfairly accused of something you genuinely didn't do...all you have to do is ask the person, "What makes you say that?" or "What makes you ask me that question?" That's all. To go right into defending yourself like you are on trial and presenting your case before a judge is not only extremely premature---but dumb. Yep, that's what I said: dumb! When you do that, you are subconsciously agreeing with the speaker that you ARE guilty and now are trying to snake your way out of it "whatever" it was or is you are being accused of!
5. Distracting
Distracting someone away from the subject they want to talk to you about is a narcissist's stock and trade. Instead of listening and responding appropriately by ACCEPTING what the other person has said to you....distracting basically communicates "Wait a second! How is this about me?!" Responding with such statements as "How do you think all of this affects me?!", "How can you say that when I feel....!", "How could this happen to me...", "What did I do to deserve this...?" etc. etc. Not every conversation is going to be about oneself; distractors know this on some level but just keep trying to get our world to revolve around them not just once or twice---but every single day!
6. Invalidating
To invalidate someone else when they are trying to be open and honest about how they feel or think is extremely cruel. Invalidators say things like "You don't mean that!", "You can't believe that!", "You have no idea what you are talking about.." etc. Invalidation basically says that the person you don't agree with is an idiot and you're reminding them of this fact. Invalidation also communicates that you know better than the speaker how they "should" think and feel and behave. Who does that unless you are a control freak and codependent to boot?
7. Minimizing
Minimizing is what we do when we make a molehill out of a mountain verbally. "Oh that's o.k., she only broke her ribs when you ran into her with your jet ski!" Minimizing whatever is being said to you is like saying, "That's not attention worthy to me!" when indeed it is to the person who is speaking. "Why are you getting so worked up over this?", "It's not that big of a deal..", "What's with all the drama here..?" Grant it, some people are into drama, crisis, and chaos by their very nature---but it's still rude to minimize what they say to you as a method of communication. A much more appropriate response would be to say something like, "I can clearly see how upset you are; what do you want me to do to for you now?" There you go and you're welcome....
Rejection-based responses come naturally to us....but represent some very poor communication habits. See how many of these bad habits you fall into as you communicate this week with your partner, your best friend, your elderly relative, your kid, or your boss/co-workers. If you need help with communication skills development, I'm just a phone call away. 248-561-8660.
Have a great week!
Today's blog post is about rejection-based responses that we "do" to each other when communicating, but don't realize the negative impact such responses have on the relationship as a whole.
Here is the "hot list" of the Top Seven Rejection-Based Responses in Relationships:
1. Attacking
Nobody likes to feel or be verbally attacked by anyone in the general sense...let alone someone who we are involved with in a close personal relationship. With relationships we have been in for a while (or have gotten used to!), it is all too easy to slip into "attack mode" without thinking. Attacking is what we do when we don't want to address our own responsibiliy as part of a problem the other person is communicating to us. Attackers will say things like "I can do that as soon as YOU stop doing...", "Yeah right but what about when YOU...", or "What about that time YOU went and..." Attacking someone verbally NEVER demonstrates that you are listening to the person speaking and acknowledging what they said. Verbal attacks ultimately teach us all that verbal abuse is o.k., which it is not.
2. Apologizing
This may initially appear as a "weird" method used to reject what someone else says to you. However, apologizing is very often used to get the other person to "Shut up now!" about the subject under discussion in a passive aggressive way. "I'm sorry, you are right as usual...", "Yes, I know...I'm sorry; how many times can I tell you that I am sorry?!", or "I get it. I know. I'm sorry. Can we move on?" Apologizing without fully listening to and fully understanding how your actions hurt or damaged the other person is both rude and arrogant. People do it often, however, and that's not a good thing. To be truly and authentically "sorry" is to show that you sincerely get it (by both your words AND your actions) about how you offended someone.
3. Advising
Unsolicited advice is rarely welcome by anyone engaged in conversation with each other. Unless someone asks you specifically for your advice about something, forget all about offering it up on a silver platter to them anyway. Nobody wants to listen to someone else's advice when they didn't ask for it in the first place. Advising is when someone tells you about how they feel and you launch in with "Maybe you should have...", or "If I were you,I would have...". Not good. The other person will ultimately resent you for always putting your two cents instead of just listening and being there for them emotionally. If you want to make a career out of advising, go back to school and become a consultant in your chosen field!
4. Defending
When someone is upset with you, defending yourself is not the way to go about building bridges of understanding between the two of you. Defending oneself verbally only serves to create walls of further misunderstanding between you and the person you are speaking to. "I didn't mean that!", "I didn't do it!", "I would never talk to...like that!", "I was only thinking of you..." blah blah blah. If you feel that you are being unfairly accused of something you genuinely didn't do...all you have to do is ask the person, "What makes you say that?" or "What makes you ask me that question?" That's all. To go right into defending yourself like you are on trial and presenting your case before a judge is not only extremely premature---but dumb. Yep, that's what I said: dumb! When you do that, you are subconsciously agreeing with the speaker that you ARE guilty and now are trying to snake your way out of it "whatever" it was or is you are being accused of!
5. Distracting
Distracting someone away from the subject they want to talk to you about is a narcissist's stock and trade. Instead of listening and responding appropriately by ACCEPTING what the other person has said to you....distracting basically communicates "Wait a second! How is this about me?!" Responding with such statements as "How do you think all of this affects me?!", "How can you say that when I feel....!", "How could this happen to me...", "What did I do to deserve this...?" etc. etc. Not every conversation is going to be about oneself; distractors know this on some level but just keep trying to get our world to revolve around them not just once or twice---but every single day!
6. Invalidating
To invalidate someone else when they are trying to be open and honest about how they feel or think is extremely cruel. Invalidators say things like "You don't mean that!", "You can't believe that!", "You have no idea what you are talking about.." etc. Invalidation basically says that the person you don't agree with is an idiot and you're reminding them of this fact. Invalidation also communicates that you know better than the speaker how they "should" think and feel and behave. Who does that unless you are a control freak and codependent to boot?
7. Minimizing
Minimizing is what we do when we make a molehill out of a mountain verbally. "Oh that's o.k., she only broke her ribs when you ran into her with your jet ski!" Minimizing whatever is being said to you is like saying, "That's not attention worthy to me!" when indeed it is to the person who is speaking. "Why are you getting so worked up over this?", "It's not that big of a deal..", "What's with all the drama here..?" Grant it, some people are into drama, crisis, and chaos by their very nature---but it's still rude to minimize what they say to you as a method of communication. A much more appropriate response would be to say something like, "I can clearly see how upset you are; what do you want me to do to for you now?" There you go and you're welcome....
Rejection-based responses come naturally to us....but represent some very poor communication habits. See how many of these bad habits you fall into as you communicate this week with your partner, your best friend, your elderly relative, your kid, or your boss/co-workers. If you need help with communication skills development, I'm just a phone call away. 248-561-8660.
Have a great week!