One of my favorite songs has always been DC Talk's "Between You and Me" about a friendship gone awry. I've attached the official YouTube video to my blog so anyone reading this post can listen to it. It's an amazing testimony to the importance of true friendship and the need, in each of us, to confess to and forgive each other when making amends.
It's a funny thing about friendship. I was talking earlier today to an old friend who I hadn't spoken to in quite a while. We have known each other for decades. Given the circumstances leading up to our contact today, I knew it was time to resolve "something" as ours had once been a strong bond. I was prepared for the friendship to offically end...just as I was prepared for some mutual healing to take place. I had no idea which way it would go.
As we listened to one another, it became clear to me how easy it is to create stories in our own heads about what is "true" about someone who has hurt us in the past...or is perceived to be doing so right now in the present. It didn't take long for me to figure out that we were both thrown under the bus by a third party who was saying one thing to my friend (about me) and another thing to me (about my friend) in order to maintain some sense of control over both of us. Hey, it happens. For whatever reason(s), third parties can get or be jealous of.....want the #1 position as "best friend to..." etc. etc. In our situation, however, this third party was and is someone we both care about in spite of all. We agreed that we would give our third party a pass and take what this person says in the future to each of us with the proverbial grain of salt---and change the subject accordingly.
What was refreshing about "hashing it out" with my friend today was knowing and feeling how honest exchanges of information and care can really repair emotionally intimate bonds that have been broken. Don't get me wrong; my friend and I have a long way to go and our relationship will certainly never be as it once was. It can't be. We are older now; we are both hopefully wiser, and what bonded us thirty years ago isn't necessarily what we want bonding us in 2014 or beyond! My friend was clearly hurt as a result of my sins of the past and vice versa; I'm grateful we could get some of that stuff out to each other and in the open so we could move on. I hope we did. Time will tell.
In the meantime, I know I am a work in progress...and all any of us are doing is attempting to walk each other home on any given day. I don't have to be over-responsible for anyone else's feelings or happiness...and neither does anyone else in regards to me. I need to be about speaking the truth in love and with grace at all times, though I have to admit that can be quite the challenge. I think I am the only therapist I know who has received calls like this one: "I was referred to you by.....but they told me I have to tell you when your swearing offends me." Yep that is true---though I am still working on cleaning up my mouth without having to be reminded of it. ;-)
Just as the song tells us, "Just between you and me I've got something to say I want to get it straight before the sun goes down. Just between you and me confession needs to be made; recompense is my way to freedom---it's my way to freedom..."
Peeling our pride away to confess our transgressions and ask forgiveness demonstrates the best of who we are and are capable of being. Here's to authentic friendship and to the love that bonds us as members of the same human family.
Until next time...
It's a funny thing about friendship. I was talking earlier today to an old friend who I hadn't spoken to in quite a while. We have known each other for decades. Given the circumstances leading up to our contact today, I knew it was time to resolve "something" as ours had once been a strong bond. I was prepared for the friendship to offically end...just as I was prepared for some mutual healing to take place. I had no idea which way it would go.
As we listened to one another, it became clear to me how easy it is to create stories in our own heads about what is "true" about someone who has hurt us in the past...or is perceived to be doing so right now in the present. It didn't take long for me to figure out that we were both thrown under the bus by a third party who was saying one thing to my friend (about me) and another thing to me (about my friend) in order to maintain some sense of control over both of us. Hey, it happens. For whatever reason(s), third parties can get or be jealous of.....want the #1 position as "best friend to..." etc. etc. In our situation, however, this third party was and is someone we both care about in spite of all. We agreed that we would give our third party a pass and take what this person says in the future to each of us with the proverbial grain of salt---and change the subject accordingly.
What was refreshing about "hashing it out" with my friend today was knowing and feeling how honest exchanges of information and care can really repair emotionally intimate bonds that have been broken. Don't get me wrong; my friend and I have a long way to go and our relationship will certainly never be as it once was. It can't be. We are older now; we are both hopefully wiser, and what bonded us thirty years ago isn't necessarily what we want bonding us in 2014 or beyond! My friend was clearly hurt as a result of my sins of the past and vice versa; I'm grateful we could get some of that stuff out to each other and in the open so we could move on. I hope we did. Time will tell.
In the meantime, I know I am a work in progress...and all any of us are doing is attempting to walk each other home on any given day. I don't have to be over-responsible for anyone else's feelings or happiness...and neither does anyone else in regards to me. I need to be about speaking the truth in love and with grace at all times, though I have to admit that can be quite the challenge. I think I am the only therapist I know who has received calls like this one: "I was referred to you by.....but they told me I have to tell you when your swearing offends me." Yep that is true---though I am still working on cleaning up my mouth without having to be reminded of it. ;-)
Just as the song tells us, "Just between you and me I've got something to say I want to get it straight before the sun goes down. Just between you and me confession needs to be made; recompense is my way to freedom---it's my way to freedom..."
Peeling our pride away to confess our transgressions and ask forgiveness demonstrates the best of who we are and are capable of being. Here's to authentic friendship and to the love that bonds us as members of the same human family.
Until next time...