Being the middleman or woman in someone else's relationship is a job nobody actively seeks out. As Gustav Flaubert once said (and I'm paraphrasing here, so forgive me for that!): There are some men whose only role among others is to act as intermediaries; one crosses them like a bridge and keeps on going. Put another way, when you find yourself inserted in the middle of someone else's messy relationship, step away from those bus wheels which are about to roll over your head any minute now! Yet we do it. Why we do it can range from "I'm bored and this beats watching reruns on the t.v.!" to "But I sincerely want to HELP fix things for them!" Neither logic will lead us anywhere good as the proverbial middleman. Just like certain species that make a point of eating their young, well-intended middlemen too often end up as someone else's lunch.
Let's look as Asia and Samuel. Married for ten years, Asia's close friend Peter has known Asia his entire life. With mothers as best friends and neighbors, Peter and Asia "met in the crib" as their mothers would joke. Peter met Samuel several months before Asia and Samuel got married; Peter thought Samuel appeared to be a stand-up guy who truly loved his friend Asia.
Yet, as can often happen, Asia and Samuel didn't turn to each other often enough when they had conflicts to resolve as a couple. Instead, Asia started whispering into Peter's ear about all the ways in which Samuel was disappointing her. "He's cheap!" "He yells at me about how I spend money!" "He's obsessive about stupid things and extremely negative even though he wasn't that way when we first met!"...and on and on Asia went.
Meanwhile, Samuel started to ask Peter to join him for pick-up basketball games on Saturday mornings at the local community center. Peter was primarily interested in playing some ball; Samuel had other ideas. At first, Samuel would ask Peter about Asia and how she was before Samuel entered the picture. This line of questioning made Peter uncomfortable, but he tried to be upbeat and positive about it. Truth be told, there was a time when Asia actually confronted Peter about why he never wanted her as a girlfriend or a wife. Back then, Peter was dumbfounded because he never thought of Asia as anyone he was attracted to "that way", let alone someone he would consider marrying. As far as Peter was concerned, that time in his and Asia's life was beyond ancient history---but Samuel continued to question Peter as if Peter held some special key to understanding Asia that Samuel didn't possess.
As time went by, Samuel began to share details about his life with Asia to Peter that Peter wasn't surprised by. After all, Peter grew up with Asia; he already knew she was the jealous type. He already knew she liked to be in control and buy buy buy things for herself even though she she was always broke. Peter also thought about how Asia worked way too many hours at every job she had, but rarely had anything good to say about those jobs and the bosses she had. As a matter of fact, Peter was reminded by all of Samuel's sharing about Asia why he, Peter, wasn't ever romantically interested in her! She hadn't changed much at all over the past two decades! Yet Peter still cared for her like a sister and felt bad that Samuel was struggling so.
Maybe Peter could actually encourage Sam to look past Asia's obvious flaws and faults and focus on her good qualities. Asia, for one thing, was totally hilarious. She could make anyone laugh. Asia was also a fabulous cook. There were many things about Asia that were positive; however, Peter knew deep down that Asia's willingness to change was about zero. She already thought she was all that and the bag of chips and diet Coke to go with!
After many months of Asia in one ear and Samuel in the other, Peter grew tired of feeling that his suggestions were falling on two sets of clogged ears. No matter how much he tried to emotionally support both Asia and Samuel...their fighting and arguing progressed to the point of each threatening to divorce the other. Peter knew this was true when both Asia and Samuel told him on separate occasions that they were each "going to the lawyer's office!" because they were done.
Fast forward to another twelve months going by. By this time, Peter actually feels closer in his relationship to Samuel than with Asia. Maybe it was the two years of playing basketball every weekend that did it; who knows? Peter couldn't even remember the last time Asia called him. Thinking about everything more deeply, Peter concluded that Samuel and Asia both were trying to compete with each other about who deserved more care from the other in their marriage. Peter was so glad he wasn't married and never had been.
Peter decides to finally have a pow wow with Asia just to clear the air. Peter wanted to let her know how he hoped she was o.k. and getting on better with Samuel. When he met her for lunch, he was shocked at her ultimate reaction to his invitation. Sitting down at the table together, Asia immediately launched into how Peter betrayed her by becoming closer friends "now" with Samuel. (Well, she always was the jealous type after all!) She also accused Peter of suggesting things to Samuel that Peter never said. In this moment, Peter realized that Samuel was willing to lie to Asia about what Peter suggested just so Samuel would be proven "right" in her eyes. She told Peter everything she believed was wrong with his character going back to their time as little kids. By the time Asia finished, Peter felt like everything he believed to be true about Asia in the "dark" sense was being confirmed (one again!) in spades. Peter felt extremely sad for Asia. The things she had to work on before she married were clearly exacerbated negatively by her past ten years with Samuel. This wasn't a he-said she-said issue; this was something bigger and more tragic than Peter's ability to "fix" it. Peter apologized to Asia for his interference albiet well-intended and left the table a changed man.
Peter decided to step way back and let both Asia and Samuel go. His role as intermediary ended in him being treated in the same way Asia and Samuel treated each other behind closed doors; it felt twisted and so very very wrong. Ultimately, Asia and Samuel did get divorced, but Peter never heard about it. He was long gone by then. As for Asia and Samuel? She moved to another state and he stayed put in the home they once shared. And life of course keeps on keeping on...
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Clinically speaking, Asia and Samuel both struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder as mutual survivors of childhood abuse and neglect. Both also struggled with an anxiety disorder (Asia had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder; Samuel had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder). As for Peter, he was highly codependent and learned the hard way that he was the only one genuinely interested in "fixing" what was going on between Asia and Peter. Like that was ever going to work!
Have a great week!
Let's look as Asia and Samuel. Married for ten years, Asia's close friend Peter has known Asia his entire life. With mothers as best friends and neighbors, Peter and Asia "met in the crib" as their mothers would joke. Peter met Samuel several months before Asia and Samuel got married; Peter thought Samuel appeared to be a stand-up guy who truly loved his friend Asia.
Yet, as can often happen, Asia and Samuel didn't turn to each other often enough when they had conflicts to resolve as a couple. Instead, Asia started whispering into Peter's ear about all the ways in which Samuel was disappointing her. "He's cheap!" "He yells at me about how I spend money!" "He's obsessive about stupid things and extremely negative even though he wasn't that way when we first met!"...and on and on Asia went.
Meanwhile, Samuel started to ask Peter to join him for pick-up basketball games on Saturday mornings at the local community center. Peter was primarily interested in playing some ball; Samuel had other ideas. At first, Samuel would ask Peter about Asia and how she was before Samuel entered the picture. This line of questioning made Peter uncomfortable, but he tried to be upbeat and positive about it. Truth be told, there was a time when Asia actually confronted Peter about why he never wanted her as a girlfriend or a wife. Back then, Peter was dumbfounded because he never thought of Asia as anyone he was attracted to "that way", let alone someone he would consider marrying. As far as Peter was concerned, that time in his and Asia's life was beyond ancient history---but Samuel continued to question Peter as if Peter held some special key to understanding Asia that Samuel didn't possess.
As time went by, Samuel began to share details about his life with Asia to Peter that Peter wasn't surprised by. After all, Peter grew up with Asia; he already knew she was the jealous type. He already knew she liked to be in control and buy buy buy things for herself even though she she was always broke. Peter also thought about how Asia worked way too many hours at every job she had, but rarely had anything good to say about those jobs and the bosses she had. As a matter of fact, Peter was reminded by all of Samuel's sharing about Asia why he, Peter, wasn't ever romantically interested in her! She hadn't changed much at all over the past two decades! Yet Peter still cared for her like a sister and felt bad that Samuel was struggling so.
Maybe Peter could actually encourage Sam to look past Asia's obvious flaws and faults and focus on her good qualities. Asia, for one thing, was totally hilarious. She could make anyone laugh. Asia was also a fabulous cook. There were many things about Asia that were positive; however, Peter knew deep down that Asia's willingness to change was about zero. She already thought she was all that and the bag of chips and diet Coke to go with!
After many months of Asia in one ear and Samuel in the other, Peter grew tired of feeling that his suggestions were falling on two sets of clogged ears. No matter how much he tried to emotionally support both Asia and Samuel...their fighting and arguing progressed to the point of each threatening to divorce the other. Peter knew this was true when both Asia and Samuel told him on separate occasions that they were each "going to the lawyer's office!" because they were done.
Fast forward to another twelve months going by. By this time, Peter actually feels closer in his relationship to Samuel than with Asia. Maybe it was the two years of playing basketball every weekend that did it; who knows? Peter couldn't even remember the last time Asia called him. Thinking about everything more deeply, Peter concluded that Samuel and Asia both were trying to compete with each other about who deserved more care from the other in their marriage. Peter was so glad he wasn't married and never had been.
Peter decides to finally have a pow wow with Asia just to clear the air. Peter wanted to let her know how he hoped she was o.k. and getting on better with Samuel. When he met her for lunch, he was shocked at her ultimate reaction to his invitation. Sitting down at the table together, Asia immediately launched into how Peter betrayed her by becoming closer friends "now" with Samuel. (Well, she always was the jealous type after all!) She also accused Peter of suggesting things to Samuel that Peter never said. In this moment, Peter realized that Samuel was willing to lie to Asia about what Peter suggested just so Samuel would be proven "right" in her eyes. She told Peter everything she believed was wrong with his character going back to their time as little kids. By the time Asia finished, Peter felt like everything he believed to be true about Asia in the "dark" sense was being confirmed (one again!) in spades. Peter felt extremely sad for Asia. The things she had to work on before she married were clearly exacerbated negatively by her past ten years with Samuel. This wasn't a he-said she-said issue; this was something bigger and more tragic than Peter's ability to "fix" it. Peter apologized to Asia for his interference albiet well-intended and left the table a changed man.
Peter decided to step way back and let both Asia and Samuel go. His role as intermediary ended in him being treated in the same way Asia and Samuel treated each other behind closed doors; it felt twisted and so very very wrong. Ultimately, Asia and Samuel did get divorced, but Peter never heard about it. He was long gone by then. As for Asia and Samuel? She moved to another state and he stayed put in the home they once shared. And life of course keeps on keeping on...
-----------------
Clinically speaking, Asia and Samuel both struggled with Borderline Personality Disorder as mutual survivors of childhood abuse and neglect. Both also struggled with an anxiety disorder (Asia had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and generalized anxiety disorder; Samuel had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder). As for Peter, he was highly codependent and learned the hard way that he was the only one genuinely interested in "fixing" what was going on between Asia and Peter. Like that was ever going to work!
Have a great week!