I was on an online message board a couple of months ago focused on personality disorders. Someone on the board took issue with my thread discussing the link between sociopathy and evil. As one would imagine, everything but the kitchen sink got hurled into the mix: "There is no such animal as morality.." "Evil is merely a construct used to brainwash groups into playing nice..." etc. etc. When all was said and done, I made a point to ask the following question: "What the point of being good if being good has no point?"
Conversely, why do the vast majority of us feel bad when we think or act badly? Don't worry, this isn't a trick question. If you feel bad when you engage in wrongful stuff literally or figuratively, that's something to actually be thankful for. It's when you don't feel anything after being "bad" which signals you are in trouble. When testing kids for the presence of empathy, I will use a two-sided card. One side is one color...another side is a very different color. I show both sides to the client and then hold the card up with one color facing them. Then I will ask, "What color am I looking at now?" If they answer the color that they are looking at, we got a problem Houston. People who lack empathy have a very difficult time putting themselves in someone else's shoes---even when participating in a simple test like this one in my office.
I myself was tested in recent weeks regarding my own inner badness as my 90 year old aunt had required an emergency hospitalization and subsequent placement in rehab. Married for 63 years before her husband's death last December, my aunt was not a central fixture in my own life growing up. To suggest ours was a complex relationship is a massive understatement. She and my uncle never had any children of their own and spent a vast majority of their time traveling and socializing with people from their same ethic background. Needless to say, I "know" my aunt in one sense--but I never knew her in the other, much more important, sense. She remained polite and cheerful over the decades, but always maintained a definite distance from me and my own family of origin. Now that the tables have turned, I have been baptized by fire as to what makes my aunt tick these days and how her own glaring lack of empathy has affected me personally. This is especially true because I am her last living biological relative who hasn't made a career out of exploiting her financially or otherwise.
I have to say, acting first (badly of course!) and stopping last is never a helpful strategy in this life. I have used the "Stop! Relax! Think! Act!" mantra hundreds of times in therapy to assist clients who had developed the bad habit of wrecking themselves before checking themselves in any given relationship scenario. I even created a wall plaque that says: "Act? Stop? Relax? Think? And you wonder why you've got problems?"! However often I've said that though, it is ironic how when our backs are up against the proverbial wall---we are all STILL sorely tempted to act (usually badly!) first----and think last!
Being bad in whatever capacity feels bad. I haven't had a pimple on my face in about 20 years; I have one now though. Given that I about turned into a tomato the other day after being harshly judged and falsely accused of not hopping high enough and often enough to suit my aunt----the last thing I wanted or needed was bright red zit to commemorate my ugly feelings both inside and out. And even though I know my aunt is 90 years old and now battling with dementia, I conveniently "forgot" all that as I heard demand after demand, stop, repeat demand after demand, stop, repeat demand after demand like a broken record.
Feeling bad about thinking or acting bad is rotten feeling. As I have said in the past so many times, surrender is that small space between acceptance and change. I have to tattoo that on my forehead or something! I must accept what is knowing that the only person in life I can change is me. Not my aunt...not you...not anyone else. Just me. As my favorite version of the Serenity Prayer goes: "God grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." Amen to that. Even though I feel very bad about what my aunt is going through, I feel worse about my focus on how "all of this" has affected me negatively. I need to stop. I need to relax. I need to think. And then I need to think again. And as I am being reminded, I need to surrender my will to the will of He who carries this universe on His shoulders. And that "He" certainly is NOT me!
Until next time...
Conversely, why do the vast majority of us feel bad when we think or act badly? Don't worry, this isn't a trick question. If you feel bad when you engage in wrongful stuff literally or figuratively, that's something to actually be thankful for. It's when you don't feel anything after being "bad" which signals you are in trouble. When testing kids for the presence of empathy, I will use a two-sided card. One side is one color...another side is a very different color. I show both sides to the client and then hold the card up with one color facing them. Then I will ask, "What color am I looking at now?" If they answer the color that they are looking at, we got a problem Houston. People who lack empathy have a very difficult time putting themselves in someone else's shoes---even when participating in a simple test like this one in my office.
I myself was tested in recent weeks regarding my own inner badness as my 90 year old aunt had required an emergency hospitalization and subsequent placement in rehab. Married for 63 years before her husband's death last December, my aunt was not a central fixture in my own life growing up. To suggest ours was a complex relationship is a massive understatement. She and my uncle never had any children of their own and spent a vast majority of their time traveling and socializing with people from their same ethic background. Needless to say, I "know" my aunt in one sense--but I never knew her in the other, much more important, sense. She remained polite and cheerful over the decades, but always maintained a definite distance from me and my own family of origin. Now that the tables have turned, I have been baptized by fire as to what makes my aunt tick these days and how her own glaring lack of empathy has affected me personally. This is especially true because I am her last living biological relative who hasn't made a career out of exploiting her financially or otherwise.
I have to say, acting first (badly of course!) and stopping last is never a helpful strategy in this life. I have used the "Stop! Relax! Think! Act!" mantra hundreds of times in therapy to assist clients who had developed the bad habit of wrecking themselves before checking themselves in any given relationship scenario. I even created a wall plaque that says: "Act? Stop? Relax? Think? And you wonder why you've got problems?"! However often I've said that though, it is ironic how when our backs are up against the proverbial wall---we are all STILL sorely tempted to act (usually badly!) first----and think last!
Being bad in whatever capacity feels bad. I haven't had a pimple on my face in about 20 years; I have one now though. Given that I about turned into a tomato the other day after being harshly judged and falsely accused of not hopping high enough and often enough to suit my aunt----the last thing I wanted or needed was bright red zit to commemorate my ugly feelings both inside and out. And even though I know my aunt is 90 years old and now battling with dementia, I conveniently "forgot" all that as I heard demand after demand, stop, repeat demand after demand, stop, repeat demand after demand like a broken record.
Feeling bad about thinking or acting bad is rotten feeling. As I have said in the past so many times, surrender is that small space between acceptance and change. I have to tattoo that on my forehead or something! I must accept what is knowing that the only person in life I can change is me. Not my aunt...not you...not anyone else. Just me. As my favorite version of the Serenity Prayer goes: "God grant me the serenity to accept the person I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me." Amen to that. Even though I feel very bad about what my aunt is going through, I feel worse about my focus on how "all of this" has affected me negatively. I need to stop. I need to relax. I need to think. And then I need to think again. And as I am being reminded, I need to surrender my will to the will of He who carries this universe on His shoulders. And that "He" certainly is NOT me!
Until next time...