Most anyone who comes to see me eventually gets the low down about codependent relationships and how they can screw us up big time. I've written about these types of relationships before: bottom line is everyone is reduced down to either being a "giver" or a "taker" in their closest personal relationship(s). Nobody is truly "equal" or viewed as being "equal" to one another; everyone is an object and someone gets to be the boss more often than not in the relationship---and someone else gets to be the underling. Whether you want to call it being a giver or being a taker...being a master or being a slave...it all boils down to nobody is treated equally because nobody is truly respecting one another's personhood, uniqueness, and freedom to make their OWN choices.
Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let's talk about controlling givers. These are the codependent people who "need to be needed" in their close(est) personal relationship(s). As a result, they seem to live for the purpose of giving. The only problem is that these controlling givers have no clue why they seem to always feel hurt, lonely, angry, and guilty. Like a vicious cycle, they can't figure out why they just aren't more peace-filled and happier people. Part of the reason for this problem is that controlling givers don't fully understand "why" they are giving like a bat out of hell in the first place! They don't yet consciously know that all they want from their relationships is ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL, and LOVE from the people they give to. Like all the time. Like 24/7 if they could get it that often. This is what controlling givers live for: the acceptance, approval, and love of those they choose to give to. Period. So guess what happens when the controlling giver doesn't get "back" what they invested in those others they have chosen to give to? They feel HURT! They feel LONELY! They feel ANGRY! And they feel GUILTY (for perhaps not giving enough or giving "whatever" in quite the "right" way...)
You see, controlling givers want to be able to receive back too. They want to get as much as they give (if not more!) from those whom they "love" and "care about" and (of course!) GIVE TO on a regular basis! You know that saying, "After all I've done for you..?!?!?!" This is out of the mouth of every controlling giver out there: "After all I've done for you THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!?!?" Yep, that's how controlling givers think and are deep deep down inside. In reality, our loved ones don't "owe" us crap just because we are addicted to this process of "needing to be needed" by whomever we've chosen in our life and time....
For the people who are subjected to all this "giving", the consequences are not pretty. If you are giving to me because of your need to be needed by me...all that teaches me is that I can take from you and not have to "do" whatever it is I could otherwise do for myself. It also teaches me that I'm stupid without you...or I can't make a decision without you...or I can't handle my own life without you. How is that a way that works for the ultimate good? It just doesn't. Yet if I happen to be strong enough to refuse your indiscriminate "giving" to me and actually work on our relationship being more balanced and based on mutual equality, mutual respect, and mutual freedom to make choices.....then that's its own miracle.
Unfortunately, it is just way too easy to take when what is being offered is literally "free" for the taking and appears to have no strings attached. Yet all codependent and controlling giving has strings attached! Didn't we learn that yet? Burn this in your brain: ALL controlling givers have an agenda attached to their giving---an agenda that benefits THEM more than it does US! (They want YOUR acceptance, YOUR approval, and YOUR love at any cost...remember?!) Probably the most tragic cases I see in therapy are the addicts who are adult children of controlling givers. The message transmitted there by the controlling giver to his or her addicted adult child is this: "So long as you NEVER leave me, it really is o.k. if you stay "sick". OMG are you kidding me? No, I am not!
I regret that kids aren't taught in school about the insidiousness of codependent relationships and this controlling giver dynamic that is part of it. I haven't even touched on codependent takers yet and what they do and how they roll. I'll save that for another blogpost. Suffice it to say that controllling givers live in a world of frustration and anxiety over not getting what they EXPECTED for all the giving they do. Which is not a good thing.
Controlling givers may look sweet and kind and "ready to serve" at a moment's notice. But lurking beneath that surface is a person who expects way more from those they give to than they can even imagine or process mentally.
We can practice overcoming this ugly bad habit in our thinking, in our feelings, and in our behaviors by merely practicing EQUALITY in the ways we view one another. Nobody is better than you, but you are no better than anyone else either. You do NOT have to think for me...and I do NOT have to think for you. You do NOT have to give to me either, unless I ask you to and you agree to do it. This giving giving and giving some more to the point of death (be it literal or figurative) serves NO useful purpose---ever.
Now that I have gotten that out of the way, let's talk about controlling givers. These are the codependent people who "need to be needed" in their close(est) personal relationship(s). As a result, they seem to live for the purpose of giving. The only problem is that these controlling givers have no clue why they seem to always feel hurt, lonely, angry, and guilty. Like a vicious cycle, they can't figure out why they just aren't more peace-filled and happier people. Part of the reason for this problem is that controlling givers don't fully understand "why" they are giving like a bat out of hell in the first place! They don't yet consciously know that all they want from their relationships is ACCEPTANCE, APPROVAL, and LOVE from the people they give to. Like all the time. Like 24/7 if they could get it that often. This is what controlling givers live for: the acceptance, approval, and love of those they choose to give to. Period. So guess what happens when the controlling giver doesn't get "back" what they invested in those others they have chosen to give to? They feel HURT! They feel LONELY! They feel ANGRY! And they feel GUILTY (for perhaps not giving enough or giving "whatever" in quite the "right" way...)
You see, controlling givers want to be able to receive back too. They want to get as much as they give (if not more!) from those whom they "love" and "care about" and (of course!) GIVE TO on a regular basis! You know that saying, "After all I've done for you..?!?!?!" This is out of the mouth of every controlling giver out there: "After all I've done for you THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?!?!?" Yep, that's how controlling givers think and are deep deep down inside. In reality, our loved ones don't "owe" us crap just because we are addicted to this process of "needing to be needed" by whomever we've chosen in our life and time....
For the people who are subjected to all this "giving", the consequences are not pretty. If you are giving to me because of your need to be needed by me...all that teaches me is that I can take from you and not have to "do" whatever it is I could otherwise do for myself. It also teaches me that I'm stupid without you...or I can't make a decision without you...or I can't handle my own life without you. How is that a way that works for the ultimate good? It just doesn't. Yet if I happen to be strong enough to refuse your indiscriminate "giving" to me and actually work on our relationship being more balanced and based on mutual equality, mutual respect, and mutual freedom to make choices.....then that's its own miracle.
Unfortunately, it is just way too easy to take when what is being offered is literally "free" for the taking and appears to have no strings attached. Yet all codependent and controlling giving has strings attached! Didn't we learn that yet? Burn this in your brain: ALL controlling givers have an agenda attached to their giving---an agenda that benefits THEM more than it does US! (They want YOUR acceptance, YOUR approval, and YOUR love at any cost...remember?!) Probably the most tragic cases I see in therapy are the addicts who are adult children of controlling givers. The message transmitted there by the controlling giver to his or her addicted adult child is this: "So long as you NEVER leave me, it really is o.k. if you stay "sick". OMG are you kidding me? No, I am not!
I regret that kids aren't taught in school about the insidiousness of codependent relationships and this controlling giver dynamic that is part of it. I haven't even touched on codependent takers yet and what they do and how they roll. I'll save that for another blogpost. Suffice it to say that controllling givers live in a world of frustration and anxiety over not getting what they EXPECTED for all the giving they do. Which is not a good thing.
Controlling givers may look sweet and kind and "ready to serve" at a moment's notice. But lurking beneath that surface is a person who expects way more from those they give to than they can even imagine or process mentally.
We can practice overcoming this ugly bad habit in our thinking, in our feelings, and in our behaviors by merely practicing EQUALITY in the ways we view one another. Nobody is better than you, but you are no better than anyone else either. You do NOT have to think for me...and I do NOT have to think for you. You do NOT have to give to me either, unless I ask you to and you agree to do it. This giving giving and giving some more to the point of death (be it literal or figurative) serves NO useful purpose---ever.