Can You Turn "On" Your Own Inner Switch? (Emotional Regulation vs. Emotional Dysregulation 101)

We all know what it feels like to suddenly experience unwanted and unwelcome feelings out of left field.  The typical "big six" negative emotions we feel are as follows:  HURT ANGRY LONELY GUILTY ASHAMED and CONFUSED.  Of course there are a whole lot of negative emotions/feelings we also experience such as BORED AFRAID OVERWHELMED ABANDONED INSECURE INCOMPETENT SAD...and so many others....

When we feel "bad" like that, it's like a switch inside of ourselves turns "off" instantly.  Instead of feeling neutral...or good...or fantastic...we start spiraling downward emotionally speaking.  We may have no idea why, but it is what it is.  Whatever we felt a minute ago, or a half hour ago, or even all this past week...it's different now.  We feel bad and it seems to be taking over us mind, body, and soul....

So now what?

For the vast majority of us, when this type of thing occurs often enough---we do what seems obvious to us in those moments:  we look to people, places, and things OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES (EXTERNAL SOURCES!) to instantly make us feel better.  Call it rescuing us...call it providing us with instant relief...we want to feel better "fast" and that's all there is to it.  So we do what we do.  We text the sh** out of our best friend or partner or sibling or adult child or sponsor.  Or perhaps we just take a walk down the street to the nearest bar.  We might light up a blunt.  We may go eat a piece of cake.  Or...we might hit up the casino online or live and in person.  These are just some of the ways we like to turn our inner switch back "on" when it goes "off" and we don't understand (or don't want to understand!) why...

And as those are some "harmful" examples of what we are capable of doing to ourselves and/or to others (who wants their phone blown up by some "drama" outside of their own I ask you...and by the same person repeatedly oh by the way!).....there ARE other things we can choose to do that are more HELPFUL to us and to others.  Yes, it's true.  Instead of living our whole lives looking for some other person, substance, or process to rescue us from our negative emotions by flipping our inner switch "on" for us (so we feel "ok" again!)...we do our own work to learn how to flip our inner switch ON by ourselves!

Let's look at the damage we do when we fixate on a certain person, or a certain number of people we know and trust, to "rescue" us when we feel emotionally dysregulated (hurt, angry, lonely, et al).  First, any person external to ourselves who provides us with "instant rescuing" or "instant relief" from our bad feelings---we are USING them to make ourselves feel better fast.  Did you read me?  We are exploiting people to do something for us that we are perfectly capable of doing ourselves, but we would rather not (do it ourselves)!  Seeking rescue and relief is NOT love.  That's the first thing.  It's codependency in action.  Secondly, the "intensity" you feel when you suddenly feel emotionally regulated again (going from feeling SO BAD to feeling MUCH BETTER!)...that all translates to this:  Intensity is NOT Intimacy!  That adrenaline drop inside your body feels like intimacy/a "good" connection...but it's really just emotional regulation (your inner switch got turned "on" again by that person you chose to do it).  Lastly, rescuing is NOT Supporting someone through a difficult time.  Rescuing is "I will do this for you because you can't!".  Supporting is "I know you can do this and I'm here for you in that way."  Supporting is NOT rescuing.  Instead of expecting your mom or your boyfriend/girlfriend to save, fix, and rescue you by switching on your inner switch for you---he/she/they can ENCOURAGE your own ability to turn on your inner switch without becoming or serving as your own personal life-support option/system.

...and you wonder why people leave or have left you and you really didn't fully understand why?  Maybe what you just got done reading is the "why" (?)  Just a reminder....

High maintenance people are typically highly codependent and highly in denial about their own ability to emotionally regulate themselves when they feel "all the feels" of bad/negative/toxic emotions.  As such, they can come across to others as very "needy", "moody", "manipulative", "unpredictable", "incompetent", "impulsive"...and a whole lot of other descriptors.

Low maintenance people are typically highly codependent as well and highly in denial about their own addiction of "needing to be needed" by others!  How about that?  They get others to turn on their own inner switch by deep diving into other people's drama/problems/dilemmas.  They fixate on the problems of others in order to genuinely distract themselves away from their own bad/negative/toxic emotions generally speaking.  As such, they can come across to others as very "generous", "would take the shirt of his/her/their back for someone in need", "caring", "selfless", "like a saint", "a true giver",...and a whole lot of other descriptors.

If today's post rings any bells or alarms for you, maybe it is time to call someone who can help you.  Like me...or anyone else licensed and experienced with this type of issue.  In the meantime...

..until next post.

Quotes to Ponder...

Every so often, I will dedicate a post to various quotes that are meaningful both to myself---and to the clients of my practice both past and present.  Here is my latest batch;  hope you will find those that most resonate with you---and consider writing each down on a post-it note and displaying it where you can see/access it when you need to:

"There is nothing quite so tragic as a young cynic, because it means the person has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing."

"Darkness cannot drive our darkness;  only light can do that."

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

"Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage, you can't practice any other virtue consistently."

"No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another."

"And the devil whispered, "You can't withstand the storm."  I whispered back, "You clearly don't know who you 're talking to."

"Make time for the quiet moments, as God whispers and the world is loud."

"Be the kind of person  your demons run from."

"The truth is like the sun.  You can shut it out for a time, but it ain't goin' away."

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored."

"The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those who speak it."

"If nothing is true, everything is permitted."

"Everyone gets to choose how much truth they can stand."

"Truth is not determined by majority vote."

"Objective reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."

"You can ignore reality, but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality."

"Common sense is not a gift.  It is a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it."

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubt, while the stupid ones are full of confidence."

"The truth doesn't mind being questioned.  A lie does."

"We've now sunk to a depth where restating the obvious is the first duty of intelligent people."

"People will believe anything if it lets them avoid thinking."

"The truth is still the truth even if no one believes it.  A lie is still a lie even if everyone believes it."

"If nothing changes, nothing changes."

"If you lie down with the dogs, you will catch their fleas."

"Your vibe is your tribe.  Choose wisely."

"Always tell the truth.  Then you don't have to remember what you said."

"Codependency is to relationships what ticks are to humans.  Recognize the dynamic.  Decline participation.  Remove yourself."

"Codependency is setting yourself on fire in case your person feels cold."

"Codependency is like you are drowning, but someone else's life is flashing before your eyes."

"Codependency teaches that people addiction only works when the two parties involved are "equally" enough addicted to each other--and in only good ways.  Good luck with that sh**!"

"Addiction is the radical escape from reality .  Sobriety is the radical return to it (reality)."

"To lie is to recoil from relationship.  You have no desire to honestly understand another person, and you certainly have no desire to be honestly understood by another person."

Until next post...

Negative Triggers Are Our Lessons....

When we get triggered in a negative way by something we see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and/or feel instantly angry, scared, or confused about when we experience "it" (whatever "it" is!)...there's a lesson there waiting for us to notice.

Think about it.  Some people will never ever be triggered in a negative way about lots of things:  flying in an airplane...seeing spiders....feeling sick....hearing about a house fire....smelling something rancid....petting a German Shepherd....etc. etc.  And yet, there are those who are being negatively triggered right now by just reading what I wrote here.  

That's how it is when we are triggered in an unwanted and unwelcome manner by something or someone's actions that is happening right now---or just happened a few moments ago.

So, what's the lesson(s) when we get triggered like that?

One lesson that is obvious (at least to me!) is that we have to remain grounded and present as we experience each and every day of our lives in spite of whatever happened to us in our own messy and traumatic past history.  If we don't, we will end up believing ourselves when we tell ourselves "I can't fly in planes!"  "I don't do crowds!"  "I can't leave my house!" "I can't live without my 7-Oh shot every day!"  "I always end up being fired!" etc. etc.

It's not our life that overwhelms us, it is our thoughts about our life that overwhelms us.  Fact.

Negative triggers are our lessons.  

For example...I get many blind inquiries for therapeutic assistance from people through a popular online source.  This means that a prospective client of my practice will contact me via email.  Which is fine.  When things transition to contacting me via text (because I have provided him/her/them with the number to call/text me at)...I am more mindful of our interaction(s) because we have both taken the next steps towards working together....

The other day, a person contacted me via text about working together.  Through our text chat, it became clear to me after a few interactions that this person was having a difficult time respecting my own boundaries to do with the way I do business.  There were also some unsolicited comments directed at me which were, in fact, both rude and inappropriate.  I suggested that the person find someone else to work with and, in turn, learned my lesson (once again!) about this "type" of prospective client.  Regardless of the industry you may work in, if someone approaches you to do business with him/her/them---you do NOT have to do business with him/her/them if their "vibe" is rubbing you in a way wrong way.  I wouldn't have cared if this individual had offered to pay me $1,000 a session;  I'd still say "Good luck to you!" and refuse the opportunity to work together.  Some of us believe otherwise...and this is how and why your own "negative triggers" can end you up in a big hot mess if you don't learn your lessons from them.  Just saying...

Another obvious lesson is how we need to keep taking good-enough care of ourselves mind, body, and spirit when we feel ourselves caught up in the loop of looking-but-not-looking for negative triggers whenever we are out and about in the world we inhabit.  This practice can be SO exhausting!  Instead of trying to avoid this that and the other that we already know can and will trigger us, then perhaps it is time to explore our solutions-based options!  

Examples:  Noise sensitivity?  Noise cancelling headphones, ear plugs, or earbuds turned on to your favorite podcaster/music/radio station.  Light sensitive? Sunglasses, progressive lenses, a brimmed hat.  Uncomfortable clothing and shoes?  Companies already exist to serve the needs of tactile/fabric-challenged customers!  In other words, whatever you believe you're "stuck" with having to manage alone and without outside help is just-not-true!  I just ordered on Amazon a variety of  "grounding tools" that help people who struggle with chronic fight-or-flight level anxiety on a daily basis.  There are literally "ouchy" fidget spinners that a person can buy for less than $10 each which are extremely helpful when you need to ground yourself wherever you may be.  At work, at school, at an event, in your own home, etc.  Instead of picking at your cuticles, biting your nails, or doing whatever else to distract yourself away from feeling highly anxious---this type of fidget can work wonders.  I also ordered Warhead super sour popping candy....individually wrapped alcohol swabs (the smell will get you back to "now" real quick!)...and some other items.  There is always a solution to your triggers.  You just have to be aware of what you can do/use to bring you back to here-and-now reality.  

Emotionally speaking, many people struggle with the practice of saying what they mean, mean what they say, not say it mean, and say it on time to the person(s) who need to hear it.

As I mentioned in my last post, when you are instantly feeling angry, frightened, or confused by what someone just said or did in your presence---or to you directly---you have no other choice than to say what you need to say as described above.  If you can't, don't, or won't, then there is no way in Heaven you can call yourself an "assertive" communicator.  You are not.

So, why don't you go ahead and practice this?

Of course, the excuses are innumerable:  "I hate conflict."  "I don't want to hurt their feelings."  "I don't want it to escalate."  "I just clam up and freeze I don't know why." 

Listen to me.  When you say and do the right thing for yourself when this kind of situation arises, you WILL FEEL BETTER once you have assertively said what you needed to say in order to prevent him/her/them from throwing you under any busses.  

And feeling better doesn't mean the kind of better that is temporary in nature;  the feeling better I am speaking of has to do with feeling better about your own confidence in your ability to say what you mean, mean what you say, not say it mean, etc.  By practicing assertive communication in all situations and circumstances, you let others know that you are unafraid to ask questions, ask for clarity, set the record straight, and identify any lies or half truths that are circulating about you--or someone else you love and care about.

And if you are in need of recalibrating your dopamine levels because of past drug and/or alcohol use and/or any process-based addictions you pursue (gambling, sex addiction, shopping, stealing, etc.)....doing what's "right" at all times is one way to boost the activation of your dopamine reserves "naturally".  How about that?

Indeed negative triggers are our lessons that can move us forward in our own lives rather than remaining stuck.  Think about that.

Until next post....