The way we relate to others on an emotional level can be fraught with pain, frustration, and otherwise seriously "yuck" outcomes. At one end of the spectrum are those of us who are emotionally bankrupt. These are the people who "just can't and won't do feelings" for any one of a number of reasons--some of which are due to literal mental and cognitive deficits. At the other end of the spectrum are those who are ruled by their emotions in the name of "give it to me now!". These would include the sociopaths/psychopaths among us. And somewhere between these two extremes are the emotionally unavailable; people who have developed a preferred method of emotions-based sharing of information and exchanges of care that keeps their own hands clean (in their own minds) and their perceived self-image intact. Today's blogpost is about the next three types of emotionally unavailable people whose close personal relationships are based on any one or combination of these specific styles of emotional relating...
Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls: In her book "Emotional Unavailability", author Bryn C. Collins initially describes this type as follows: "Well, my mom always knew what I wanted without my having to tell her. Why can't you figure it out? Why do I always have to tell you what I need?" or, "If my daddy thought I was unhappy, he would buy me something to make me feel better. What are you going to do for me?" Welcome to the world of Type #4 on our list of the nine emotionally unavailable types of people among us. In a relationship with a Mama's Boy or a Daddy's Girl, you become another member of their admiring audience (which of course includes their mommy and daddy!)...but not as a full member. Instead, you are to remain in a subordinate role to your Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl...as well as to their mommy...and to their daddy too.
Secondly, your love will be compared....usually in an unfavorable manner, to that which mama and daddy offered then and offer right now to their beloved Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl. Often this love of yours will be measured in terms of "boundary free acceptance" ("What's the big deal? My mother never got upset when my dad..." etc. etc.) This boundary free acceptance is highly dysfunctional because it gives junior or missy carte blanche to do whatever they feel like doing without any regard for any real consequences. Whatever has gone wrong is everybody else's fault...society, his teacher, his last girlfriend...his boss...blah de blah blah. Nobody understands the "real" him....because after all he IS so special. Basically these mamas and daddies function best as their adult children(s)' publicist AND firemen. No matter what has been done that is morally, legally, or in whatever other way "wrong"....it's still all OKAY and why can't you just leave poor junior or missy alone for God's sake!
This type of emotionally unavailable person by majority leaves his or her partner feeling bruised, confused, with a scattered and shattered sense of reality, of one's own self esteem, and one's own belief system. Choosing a Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl means that you better join the chorus of protection that surrounds your partner...or you will definitely be more OUT than IN over the course of time. Probably the best (and yet saddest!) case of a Mama's Boy gone postal was when, after several years of marriage, "Junior" decided to inform his wife one day that he found a girlfriend and planned to go away for three weeks on vacation with her in case wifey wondered where he was during that time. To say this wife was shocked out of her socks is putting it mildly; their divorce was made even more difficult when his parents flipped out because wifey "let this happen" and was simultaneously cut out of their lives as well. Yikes. Talk about RUN FORREST RUN! But at least she recovered even though her ex-husband is still roamin' those streets of their town to this very day...
Next on our list are the "Holics". You know, the people who get focused on one behavior to the exclusion of anything else...including their relationships. Yet---at the same time---they demand your unconditional and absolute devotion to them and their obsession(s). This expectation helps the "Holic" stay in control of you without having to exert much effort. Author Bryn C. Collins in her book "Emotional Unavailability" states "Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment!" Whether your Holic is a Spenda-holic, an Alco-holic, a Sexa-holic, a Worka-holic, and/or a Gambler-holic doesn't matter. It's all about your Holic's obsession as their own primary emotional focus. It means you will never be the primary emotional focus for this person. That position has already been filled: by the bottle, by the body, by the slot machines, by the work, by the drugs of choice, by mommy or daddy, sports...whatever! If you haven't already guessed, we're talking addiction here. Addiction to some behavioral process or some substance that makes YOU second fiddle to whatever it is your Holic is addicted to/obsessed by. You are not now and never will be powerful enough to cause your addicted partner to change, give up the "thing" they are addicted to, behave in a responsible way, treat you in the way in which you deserve to be treated (as an equal!), and stop lying to you on a routine basis. YOU CANNOT EARN WHAT DOES NOT EXIST. Like the old saying goes, "If someone treats you like you don't matter, believe them. You don't." That's all folks.
Emotional Einsteins: The Thinking Person's "Love". This sixth type of emotionally unavailable person relies on what they THINK in their brain to create and maintain emotional connection or intimacy...instead of what they FEEL in their heart. It's a long and winding road between those 12-13" that separate the brain from the heart. Emotional Einsteins are characterized by their amazing capacity to put everything (and I do mean everything!) in intellectual terms. NOTHING that is shared goes un-analyzed. Even the most so-called "emotional" moments will be carefully controlled so that it doesn't break loose and get....too "emotional". To Emotional Einsteins the only thing in the world that's safe is thought. Emotions are viewed as too turbulent, too unpredictable, and definitely too uncontrollable. They must be avoided at all costs by this type of emotionally unavailable male or female. Even saying "I love you" to an Emotional Einstein very easily leads to "Do you mean in the romantic sense or in a familial sense or universally..." EGADS! If we need to learn anything in this life, it is that emotions can NOT be analyzed, dissected, quantified, qualified, categorized, and tied into neat little packages. If you find yourself in a relationship with an Emotional Einstein, there is nothing you could ever say or do that will break down that wall that has been firmly erected around his or her heart.
Next time, we will present the last three types of emotionally unavailables in our midst: The One in The Mirror (Narcissists), Eels and Other Slippery Critters, and James Bond (Spies and Lies).
Have a great week!
Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls: In her book "Emotional Unavailability", author Bryn C. Collins initially describes this type as follows: "Well, my mom always knew what I wanted without my having to tell her. Why can't you figure it out? Why do I always have to tell you what I need?" or, "If my daddy thought I was unhappy, he would buy me something to make me feel better. What are you going to do for me?" Welcome to the world of Type #4 on our list of the nine emotionally unavailable types of people among us. In a relationship with a Mama's Boy or a Daddy's Girl, you become another member of their admiring audience (which of course includes their mommy and daddy!)...but not as a full member. Instead, you are to remain in a subordinate role to your Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl...as well as to their mommy...and to their daddy too.
Secondly, your love will be compared....usually in an unfavorable manner, to that which mama and daddy offered then and offer right now to their beloved Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl. Often this love of yours will be measured in terms of "boundary free acceptance" ("What's the big deal? My mother never got upset when my dad..." etc. etc.) This boundary free acceptance is highly dysfunctional because it gives junior or missy carte blanche to do whatever they feel like doing without any regard for any real consequences. Whatever has gone wrong is everybody else's fault...society, his teacher, his last girlfriend...his boss...blah de blah blah. Nobody understands the "real" him....because after all he IS so special. Basically these mamas and daddies function best as their adult children(s)' publicist AND firemen. No matter what has been done that is morally, legally, or in whatever other way "wrong"....it's still all OKAY and why can't you just leave poor junior or missy alone for God's sake!
This type of emotionally unavailable person by majority leaves his or her partner feeling bruised, confused, with a scattered and shattered sense of reality, of one's own self esteem, and one's own belief system. Choosing a Mama's Boy or Daddy's Girl means that you better join the chorus of protection that surrounds your partner...or you will definitely be more OUT than IN over the course of time. Probably the best (and yet saddest!) case of a Mama's Boy gone postal was when, after several years of marriage, "Junior" decided to inform his wife one day that he found a girlfriend and planned to go away for three weeks on vacation with her in case wifey wondered where he was during that time. To say this wife was shocked out of her socks is putting it mildly; their divorce was made even more difficult when his parents flipped out because wifey "let this happen" and was simultaneously cut out of their lives as well. Yikes. Talk about RUN FORREST RUN! But at least she recovered even though her ex-husband is still roamin' those streets of their town to this very day...
Next on our list are the "Holics". You know, the people who get focused on one behavior to the exclusion of anything else...including their relationships. Yet---at the same time---they demand your unconditional and absolute devotion to them and their obsession(s). This expectation helps the "Holic" stay in control of you without having to exert much effort. Author Bryn C. Collins in her book "Emotional Unavailability" states "Good judgment comes from experience, but experience comes from bad judgment!" Whether your Holic is a Spenda-holic, an Alco-holic, a Sexa-holic, a Worka-holic, and/or a Gambler-holic doesn't matter. It's all about your Holic's obsession as their own primary emotional focus. It means you will never be the primary emotional focus for this person. That position has already been filled: by the bottle, by the body, by the slot machines, by the work, by the drugs of choice, by mommy or daddy, sports...whatever! If you haven't already guessed, we're talking addiction here. Addiction to some behavioral process or some substance that makes YOU second fiddle to whatever it is your Holic is addicted to/obsessed by. You are not now and never will be powerful enough to cause your addicted partner to change, give up the "thing" they are addicted to, behave in a responsible way, treat you in the way in which you deserve to be treated (as an equal!), and stop lying to you on a routine basis. YOU CANNOT EARN WHAT DOES NOT EXIST. Like the old saying goes, "If someone treats you like you don't matter, believe them. You don't." That's all folks.
Emotional Einsteins: The Thinking Person's "Love". This sixth type of emotionally unavailable person relies on what they THINK in their brain to create and maintain emotional connection or intimacy...instead of what they FEEL in their heart. It's a long and winding road between those 12-13" that separate the brain from the heart. Emotional Einsteins are characterized by their amazing capacity to put everything (and I do mean everything!) in intellectual terms. NOTHING that is shared goes un-analyzed. Even the most so-called "emotional" moments will be carefully controlled so that it doesn't break loose and get....too "emotional". To Emotional Einsteins the only thing in the world that's safe is thought. Emotions are viewed as too turbulent, too unpredictable, and definitely too uncontrollable. They must be avoided at all costs by this type of emotionally unavailable male or female. Even saying "I love you" to an Emotional Einstein very easily leads to "Do you mean in the romantic sense or in a familial sense or universally..." EGADS! If we need to learn anything in this life, it is that emotions can NOT be analyzed, dissected, quantified, qualified, categorized, and tied into neat little packages. If you find yourself in a relationship with an Emotional Einstein, there is nothing you could ever say or do that will break down that wall that has been firmly erected around his or her heart.
Next time, we will present the last three types of emotionally unavailables in our midst: The One in The Mirror (Narcissists), Eels and Other Slippery Critters, and James Bond (Spies and Lies).
Have a great week!