There are three final types to describe the emotionally unavailable male or female in your life. So far we have covered Romeos and Romiettes, Indiana Joneses, Tens and Other Trophies, Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls, 'Holics, and Emotional Einsteins. The good news is that the nine types are "it" when it comes to how the EU person can and does "roll" in their relational style to others. The bad news is that a person may possess any combination of two or more of these nine types to varying degrees. The point is that when a person behaves in an emotionally unavailable manner, now you will hopefully be more aware of it and do the work to turn that pattern around...
The seventh type of emotionally unavailable man or woman is "The Ones in the Mirror" or Narcissists and Other Self-Lovers. The "hook" of this type of person is that they can initially appear quite appealing; at first it looks like they are confident---and confident people can be quite magnetic. Truly confident people, however, who are NOT narcissistic, are able to share their confidence with the people around them. You are enriched by the contact. Truly confident people enjoy encouraging you to build your strengths; narcissists, on the other hand, are focused on building their own strengths and will draw from you in a parasitic fashion. What ends up happening is that you work hard to make the narcissist feel good about himself or herself...a condition that requires constant maintenance. When a narcissist doesn't feel constantly attended to by you, he or she will withdraw from you. You get the strong message that if you don't get back on the track you will be left at the train station without a second look. Narcissists choose people who are people pleasers by nature, so the threat of abandonment produces an explosion of activity to try and "fix" what's wrong with the narcissist today on the part of the pleaser. This is truly crazy-making behavior. Yet it is the control mechanism that the narcissist uses to keep their people pleasing partner, friend, or family member in line. When you finally get tired of pleasing the narcissist in your life and can't keep meeting his or her every need without appreciation, acknowledgment, or emotional connection, you are left with tremendous sense of self-blame and profound frustration. You weren't good enough to be in a "real" relationship anyway which is the audiotape that the narcissist in your life has firmly implanted in your brain to run over and over again. This is one hard way to live in relationship. You are good enough to serve the narcissist and that's why he or she "picked" you...but not good enough to keep up the good work for the rest of your life. Recovery comes with reality, which creeps back with the help of a good psychotherapist and time. Part of the therapeutic process is erasng the audiotapes in your brain; until those tapes are completely erased, however, you are still vulnerable to a rerun with another narcissist.
Bryn C. Collins, in her book, "Emotional Unavailability" likens a relationship with a Narcissist as holding a mirror up for them and at them while at the same time making appreciative noises without getting anything back (for your effort). That about sums it up. Narcissists have no room for anyone BUT themselves to be the center of anyone's universe.
Next, "Eels and Other Slippery Critters"...the eighth type of emotionally unavailable man or woman. Just hearing the title is enough of a clue of what this type is all about "....I don't know if I am quite ready yet to..." This IS the mating call of the eel and his or her fellow slippery critters; the type that just can't quite commit to much of anything. Or at least to much of anything that YOU want. A type like this will come close enough to do what feels good to him or her in the moment; he'll move in or move you in....you'll share a checkbook...you may even be expecting a baby. It all may look real good and feel like the commitment is coming....but it's just a ruse. Ultimately, what the eel in your life won't ever do is give you his or her word based on what you want and need...and then KEEP IT.
Halfhearted promises, just not "showing up", being repeatedly late, "I forgot"...these are just a few of the day-to-day behaviors present within a relationship with an eel and other slipper critters. "Don't Fence Me In" was a popular song in the 60s that sums up this mental frame of mind quite well. In the meantime, you keep hanging on to your unfulfilled relationship by the slender thread of hope. You become hooked on the great and powerful "Maybe!" This type of relationship causes you to feel like you are too demanding, too rigid, too inflexible, and of course too selfish. That's just how your eel wants you to feel. The worse you feel, the more he or she can do without question...or committment. What a terrible way to live!
The last and ninth type of emotionally unavailable man or woman is the James Bond (Spies and Lies!) type of person. This type won't tell you much about whatever is real and true. "It's private." "It's not your business." "What, you don't trust me?" etc. etc. Secrets and lies are the calling card of James Bond who is in the business of doing whatever and whenever without question. At first, a relationship with this type can feel extremely exciting and mysterious. I don't know about you, but I have had clients who were dating so called "CIA Operatives"; hello! A real CIA operative does not TELL YOU he or she is a CIA operative ever---let alone when you start dating! Others have married people who are already married...or have been married five, six, or eight times. One client found out on her wedding day that her husband was married five times before when he had claimed just one former "ex wife". That's how it is with these James Bond types. Whatever has happened to them in the past or present, stays with them and goes nowhere else. Kinda like living in a Las Vegas vacation experience forever. Again, a very hard way to live a relationship where any hope of real and authentic emotional connection and intimacy is NOT going to happen---ever! James Bond can also be extremely accusatory towards you: "Who is this John person on your phone?" "My doctor." "Then why didn't you write down "Dr. John" as his contact information?" WHAT THE...!??!?! But it can be like that too. I just had someone tell me the other day that his spouse actually asked him what took him five extra minutes to get home from work the other night. He stopped to use the restroom at a local gas station; I wonder if she needed the outdoor videocam evidence as well?
Bryn C. Collins' classic book "Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap" speaks to each of these nine types in much more detail; all I have provided in these last three blog posts on this topic is a "taste" of what this extraordinary useful book is about. Available on amazon.com...it's one of the classics worth getting to understand yourself and/or the emotionally unavailable man or woman in your life.
Until next time...
The seventh type of emotionally unavailable man or woman is "The Ones in the Mirror" or Narcissists and Other Self-Lovers. The "hook" of this type of person is that they can initially appear quite appealing; at first it looks like they are confident---and confident people can be quite magnetic. Truly confident people, however, who are NOT narcissistic, are able to share their confidence with the people around them. You are enriched by the contact. Truly confident people enjoy encouraging you to build your strengths; narcissists, on the other hand, are focused on building their own strengths and will draw from you in a parasitic fashion. What ends up happening is that you work hard to make the narcissist feel good about himself or herself...a condition that requires constant maintenance. When a narcissist doesn't feel constantly attended to by you, he or she will withdraw from you. You get the strong message that if you don't get back on the track you will be left at the train station without a second look. Narcissists choose people who are people pleasers by nature, so the threat of abandonment produces an explosion of activity to try and "fix" what's wrong with the narcissist today on the part of the pleaser. This is truly crazy-making behavior. Yet it is the control mechanism that the narcissist uses to keep their people pleasing partner, friend, or family member in line. When you finally get tired of pleasing the narcissist in your life and can't keep meeting his or her every need without appreciation, acknowledgment, or emotional connection, you are left with tremendous sense of self-blame and profound frustration. You weren't good enough to be in a "real" relationship anyway which is the audiotape that the narcissist in your life has firmly implanted in your brain to run over and over again. This is one hard way to live in relationship. You are good enough to serve the narcissist and that's why he or she "picked" you...but not good enough to keep up the good work for the rest of your life. Recovery comes with reality, which creeps back with the help of a good psychotherapist and time. Part of the therapeutic process is erasng the audiotapes in your brain; until those tapes are completely erased, however, you are still vulnerable to a rerun with another narcissist.
Bryn C. Collins, in her book, "Emotional Unavailability" likens a relationship with a Narcissist as holding a mirror up for them and at them while at the same time making appreciative noises without getting anything back (for your effort). That about sums it up. Narcissists have no room for anyone BUT themselves to be the center of anyone's universe.
Next, "Eels and Other Slippery Critters"...the eighth type of emotionally unavailable man or woman. Just hearing the title is enough of a clue of what this type is all about "....I don't know if I am quite ready yet to..." This IS the mating call of the eel and his or her fellow slippery critters; the type that just can't quite commit to much of anything. Or at least to much of anything that YOU want. A type like this will come close enough to do what feels good to him or her in the moment; he'll move in or move you in....you'll share a checkbook...you may even be expecting a baby. It all may look real good and feel like the commitment is coming....but it's just a ruse. Ultimately, what the eel in your life won't ever do is give you his or her word based on what you want and need...and then KEEP IT.
Halfhearted promises, just not "showing up", being repeatedly late, "I forgot"...these are just a few of the day-to-day behaviors present within a relationship with an eel and other slipper critters. "Don't Fence Me In" was a popular song in the 60s that sums up this mental frame of mind quite well. In the meantime, you keep hanging on to your unfulfilled relationship by the slender thread of hope. You become hooked on the great and powerful "Maybe!" This type of relationship causes you to feel like you are too demanding, too rigid, too inflexible, and of course too selfish. That's just how your eel wants you to feel. The worse you feel, the more he or she can do without question...or committment. What a terrible way to live!
The last and ninth type of emotionally unavailable man or woman is the James Bond (Spies and Lies!) type of person. This type won't tell you much about whatever is real and true. "It's private." "It's not your business." "What, you don't trust me?" etc. etc. Secrets and lies are the calling card of James Bond who is in the business of doing whatever and whenever without question. At first, a relationship with this type can feel extremely exciting and mysterious. I don't know about you, but I have had clients who were dating so called "CIA Operatives"; hello! A real CIA operative does not TELL YOU he or she is a CIA operative ever---let alone when you start dating! Others have married people who are already married...or have been married five, six, or eight times. One client found out on her wedding day that her husband was married five times before when he had claimed just one former "ex wife". That's how it is with these James Bond types. Whatever has happened to them in the past or present, stays with them and goes nowhere else. Kinda like living in a Las Vegas vacation experience forever. Again, a very hard way to live a relationship where any hope of real and authentic emotional connection and intimacy is NOT going to happen---ever! James Bond can also be extremely accusatory towards you: "Who is this John person on your phone?" "My doctor." "Then why didn't you write down "Dr. John" as his contact information?" WHAT THE...!??!?! But it can be like that too. I just had someone tell me the other day that his spouse actually asked him what took him five extra minutes to get home from work the other night. He stopped to use the restroom at a local gas station; I wonder if she needed the outdoor videocam evidence as well?
Bryn C. Collins' classic book "Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap" speaks to each of these nine types in much more detail; all I have provided in these last three blog posts on this topic is a "taste" of what this extraordinary useful book is about. Available on amazon.com...it's one of the classics worth getting to understand yourself and/or the emotionally unavailable man or woman in your life.
Until next time...